What If All Movie Animals Were Pandas?

When an estranged young boy befriends a captive panda, he identifies with what he initially perceives as the panda’s desire to transcend his caged existence. But it just sits around indifferently, eating bamboo shoots and not having sex.

When evil fashion witch Cruella de Vil steals a litter of panda cubs from a wholesome young couple, the cubs completely fail to subvert Cruella’s plan to sell them to a taxidermist by sitting around indifferently, eating bamboo shoots and not having sex.

He is not a panda, he is a human being – with the crudely Photoshopped face of a panda. David Lynch humanely portrays the gnawing existential terror of a refined young man forced to sit around indifferently, eating bamboo shoots and not having sex.

A suburban family adopt a cute young panda/mouse thing called Stuart. But instead of getting into several hilarious misadventures, he just sits around indifferently, eating bamboo shoots and not having sex.

Werner Herzog’s unflinching meditation on the untameable aloofness of nature is entertainingly compromised by his subject sitting around indifferently, eating bamboo shoots and not having sex.