Useless game heroes who couldn’t save the girl

Travis Grady (Silent Hill Origins)

Travis is a proper man-shaped, lump of heroism wrapped up in a Marty McFly-style life preserver and trucker’s hat. Now’s that’s a man’s, man’s, man’s man.

The girl he can’t save: Alessa Gillespie

Charred to an agonising crisp in a house fire from the moment we meet her, it’s hard to judge the merits or failures of this small child’s character. We will say that that flame-grilled chic is really not the way to go this winter.

How he lets her die

Despite saving her from a burning house, Travis wasn’t quick enough to stop her dying from fatal burns shortly afterwards. So with Grady relatively blame free, we’ll point the finger at Silent Hill’s lazy asshole firemen. Really, where the hell were they? In fairness, they were probably being skinned/sexually violated by Pyramid Head, so we’ll let them off the hook. Thankfully, finish the game with the good ending and half of Alessa’s soul is resurrected in a newborn baby. Awwww, how beautifully disturbing.

Commander Shepard (Mass Effect)

As heroic/maniacal as you want him/her to be. We pretty much acted like the biggest prick in the galaxy for 15 hours, before repenting with a few redeeming acts in the last ten minutes. The morally ambiguous system works.

The girl he can’t save: Ashley Williams

As happy dropping her space britches for superiors as she is shooting Geth in the guts, Miss Williams is a smoking hot space hussy. She’d have the total package, if she wasn’t a big, fat alien-hating racist.

How he lets her die

Barely bats an eyelid as he decides to let Ashley heroically check out by detonating a bomb that destroys an army of Krogan warriors. Depending on the player’s choices Ashley can be saved. But, being the little Miss Bigot she is, it hardly seems worth it. Besides, there’s always that blue alien chick if you’re pining for a midnight tumble in the cold, dark depths of space.

Cloud (Final Fantasy VII)

The girl he can’t save: Aeris

She gets stabbed by Sephiroth. He can’t stop it. He sucks. Get over it.

Nov 3, 2009

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