Useless game heroes who couldn’t save the girl

Niko Bellic (Grand Theft Auto IV)

Again, hero is a pretty generous description for this amoral Balkan assassin. But he occasionally whines about how he hates killing (usually before brutally mugging hookers and shooting tramps), which qualifies him as a conflicted hero in the pages of our morally murky book.

Prim, reasonably proper and only a bit of an alcoholic, Kate is by far the least offensive member of her drugged-up, murderous family. And, unlike almost every other female character in GTA history, she doesn’t drop her drawers the instant you take her out for a game of bowling and a Burger Shot.

How he lets her die

Royally pisses off mob boss Jimmy Pegorino, who subsequently takes his revenge by gunning down Kate at a wedding. But it all hangs on that old ‘depending on your choices’ chestnut. Choose to ignore her advice in the previous mission and Niko’s chubby cousin bites it instead. Regardless, we blame Niko for dragging Kate into his shady world in the first place.

Leon S. Kennedy (Resident Evil 2)

A fresh-faced rookie cop, Leon endures the first day from hell while battling zombies, lickers and giant crocodiles throughout Raccoon City’s police precinct. Maintains the kind of stiff upper lip and utterly shit voice acting prowess that any Resi hero would be proud of.

Sexy, deadly, mysterious. It’s unclear whether Ada is a love interest or dirty backstabber throughout most of Resi 2. Mind you, there’s no denying she looks good in a sexy, if ridiculously inappropriate cocktail dress.

How he lets her die

Leon lets her suffer a huge fall after Ada gets shot by the unhinged Annette Berkin. And before you turn up at GR Towers with flaming pitchforks, we’re fully aware she survives. But, until she flew through a window in Resi 4, most people assumed she was pushing up undead daises. Anyhoo, putting aside the fact the hefty drop doesn’t actually kill her, Leon’s embarrassing, uninterested attempts at saving her are laughable. Honestly, he holds onto her for about five seconds before casually letting the gibbon-armed girl of his dreams drop to her mysterious fate.

Conker (Conker's Bad Fur Day)

Short tempered, constantly horny and a raging drunk, Conker is a fitting hero for modern times. He might be more concerned with knocking ten pints back than helping his fellow woodland animals, but he usually comes through in the end. Albeit usually by accident, thanks to his bumbling, alcoholic antics.

The gi… chipmunk he can’t save: Berri

Originally an unassuming cuddly character who wouldn’t look
out of place in Steamboat Willy, Berri was sexed up to look like something out of Uncle Walt’s ‘private’ scrapbook. Not only a looker (eh, if you’re into that type of thing ), she’s also deadly with a pair of Matrix-style Uzis.

How he lets her die

Watches on feebly as she gets blown away by a Tommy Gun-packing Mafia don, who also happens to be a weasel. Shortly after, in a fourth-wall breaking, finger-flipping moment towards players, the game freezes during the final boss battle. This gives Conker the chance to rewind time. He has the brains to best the H.R. Giger alien he’s fighting, but forgets to stop Berri getting pumped full of bullets. We blame the sauce. Lousy drunk.