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The Top 7... Worst scenes in Uwe Boll movies

The movie: A sexy half-vampire travels to a muddy 19th-century American hicktown, where Billy the Kid (who turns out to be a vampire, and also possibly Transylvanian) has set himself up as a kind of child-devouring warlord. To defeat him, she has to gather a band of three allies, two of whom get killed almost immediately and you know what? Screw this movie.

The worst scene: Like In the Name of the King, BloodRayne II’s muddy, miserable Western misadventure is overshadowed by two impossibly hammy performances. The first comes from Zack Ward. He appears in Postal as Postal Dude, but you probably know him as redheaded bully Scut Farkus from A Christmas Story. Here, he plays Billy the Kid, who isn’t a skilled gunfighter so much as he is a vampire who likes to murder children and speak with what we’re guessing is supposed to be an Eastern European accent.

Above: Thees accent, eet ees - how do you say? – fake

The other performance comes from Chris Coppola, who also appears in Postal – but we’ll get to that in a minute. In BloodRayne II, he’s Newton Pyles, a fat, floppy whiner of a journalist who may or may not be a parody/direct ripoff of a character from Unforgiven.

Above: Gosh, I’m just so happy to have arrived here in Vancouver. I mean the West! The Wild West!

Way too much screentime is devoted to Pyles, who quickly toadies up to Billy the Kid in the hope of getting a cool story to tell his readers back in Chicago. And whenever the two are onscreen together, the whole production suddenly stops being a grimy, horror-themed Deadwood knockoff and turns into a cartoon. A really lame cartoon, where everything’s stiffly animated and the characters are all voiced by Casey Kasem.

Above: 'Gack! Splut! Please don’t kill me, I’m far too wacky!'

Above: 'Yes, Mistair… Pyles. You are indeed wacky. I shall make you my… side-keck'

Nowhere is their onscreen chemistry more visible than in the awful, awful clip below:

Now, what does this have to do with half-vampire chicks fighting Nazis again? Oh, right: NOTHING.

After graduating from college in 2000 with a BA in journalism, I worked for five years as a copy editor, page designer and videogame-review columnist at a couple of mid-sized newspapers you've never heard of. My column eventually got me a freelancing gig with GMR magazine, which folded a few months later. I was hired on full-time by GamesRadar in late 2005, and have since been paid actual money to write silly articles about lovable blobs.