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Five good reasons why The Big Hit deserves to be remembered as one of the worst films of the decade:

1. MARK WAHLBERG: With his whining neutered voice clashing with his six-pack stomach and bulging chest, Wahlberg is tolerable only when he's demonstrating his athletic prowess. Look past the fighting and running and you'll find a limp-dick performance that suggests Boogie Nights was a one-off career blip (see also: Ray Liotta in GoodFellas).

2. IT RUINS A GOOD PREMISE: It's a good idea to give an assassin a personal life - - Pulp Fiction and Grosse Pointe Blank proved that. So there's nothing wrong with the idea that super-hard hitman Mark Wahlberg is suffering from ulcers while trying to juggle his girlfriend's and fiancée's expensive demands. We can but hope that the original script was butchered by over-zealous, Frankenstein-like producers. Otherwise, weep bitter tears at Hollywood's poor judgement.

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3. WOMEN AIN'T NUTHIN' BUT BITCHES AND HOS: Wahlberg's girlfriend is a money-grabbing, two-timing bitch who's siphoning off all his cash so she can run away with her other boyfriend. Wahlberg's betrothed is a prick-teasing, prissy Jewish-princess shrew with a fat, racist, overbearing mother. And Wahlberg's Japanese schoolgirl kidnap victim - - the love interest - - is a manipulative jail-bait vixen who gets genuine sexual excitement out of being tied up and having a man pull down her panties so she can urinate. Every woman in this movie is either a curvaceous sperm receptacle or a total bitch. Frequently both.

4. LOU DIAMOND PHILLIPS: He manages to make his performance in Renegades look as commanding and awe-inspiring as Daniel Day-Lewis' in My Left Foot. But hey, nice pecs. He clearly spent the rehearsal time working out.

5. RACIAL STEREOTYPES: The Hispanic guy is stupid, style-obsessed and has a golden tooth. The Japanese guy tries to commit hara-kiri when his business fails. The black woman is domineering and pussy-whips her men. The Japanese girl is a disturbingly mangaesque sexy schoolgirl. And the Jewish mother harangues her husband and despises all goyim.

The Big Hit is a vacuous and hatefully bland film. Never see it. Ever.

This tries so hard to be a Hong Kong action movie it hurts. There isn't a single one-liner or action scene that works. Wahlberg is dull, Phillips irritating and the 'humour' is downright offensive. Want to see a film where every joke fails miserably? Here's one.

The Total Film team are made up of the finest minds in all of film journalism. They are: Editor Jane Crowther, Deputy Editor Matt Maytum, Reviews Ed Matthew Leyland, News Editor Jordan Farley, and Online Editor Emily Murray. Expect exclusive news, reviews, features, and more from the team behind the smarter movie magazine.