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Cheat on your console

We’re on to you. We’ve noticed you casting a roving eye over recent announcements of price cuts, seen you ogle the unveiling of lithe younger models. Yes, even you, 360 fanboy, the one who said the PS3 had no games.We caught you looking longingly at LittleBigPlanet’s Sackboy, imagining the things you would do to him if only you could get him online. And you there, PS3 fanboy, the one that wrote ‘Killzon 2 iz teh sex, Halo iz teh suxxor!!2!’ on forums. We’ve seen you watching Halo 3 multiplayer matches on YouTube late at night, pretending it was you holding that plasma pistol, firing shot after shot at the red team.

Yes, you’re filthy. You’re nasty. You’re one of us. Y’see luckily for you, we’re corrupt-minded libertines, who’ve spent our lives jumping from one console to the next, sometimes without even washing our hands. So we’ve done you a favour – we’ve prepared every salacious, scandalous detail about the console you said you’d never turn to. Go on, it’s all right to look – eyeball those exclusive games as we analyse what’s hot and what’s not about each of the major platforms. We won’t tell anyone…