8 Pokemon attacks you'd never use in a real fight

Imagine this: you're walking to your car after a delightful evening with friends. It's late, you've got work (and/or school) in the morning, and there's a nice pair of old pajama pants waiting for you at home. Suddenly, some dude starts hassling you. Maybe he thinks you were talking to his girl. Maybe he thinks you ARE his girl. Whatever the case may be, there's gonna be a rumble in this parking lot, and you need a plan of attack.

Thankfully, you're no stranger to violence. Having defeated all eight gym leaders and the elite four in the Hoenn region, you're a master at this sort of thing. All you need to do is think back to your many years of Pokemon training. Should you attack with a Seismic Toss, or how about a wicked Flamethrower? Whichever you choose, just make sure it's NOT one of the following, as they will not help you in a real-life rumble.

"The foe is licked with a long tongue, causing damage. It may also cause paralysis."

To be fair: if some stranger walked up to me on the sidewalk and started licking my face, I might lock up with paralysis. But come on, in an actual fight licking a dude isn't going to cut it. I don't care how long your tongue is, or if you have a really rough, cat-like tongue, you're going to end up getting punched in the mouth. The only time a tongue should make an appearance during a fight is when you're trying to bite someone's ear off Tyson-style, and even then you should keep it to a minimum.

"A spray of bubbles is forcefully ejected at the foe. It may also lower the target's speed."

This is a real 1960's Vietnam War protester tactic right here. Your opponent may have a knife or a big stick or something, but you've got the power of peace, love, and magic bubbles, man. I guess if maybe one of the bubbles landed right in the other person's eye it could cause some momentary discomfort, but that's all up to changes in the wind and Mother Nature. Your best bet would probably be to just chuck the bubble solution at the attacker's face.

"The user goes to sleep for two turns. It fully restores the user's HP and heals any status problems."

All you need is a good night's sleep. It's the kind of advice you always hear from friends and family and unhelpful doctors - but it's not a catch-all, folks. A good night's sleep will make you feel less sleepy, sure, but if you think catching a quick power nap in the middle of a fight is going to give you the energy you need to seize the day, you're dead wrong. Maybe wait until after the fight, and then you can sleep off that concussion and two cracked ribs.

"Forgets about something and sharply raises special defense."

Honestly, I'm not sure how much special defense you're really going to need against another human. Humans tend to fight with physical-based attacks, such as punches, kicks, and guns when fighting at range. I guess if you were fighting some dude on the street and he suddenly pulled out, say, a freeze ray then some special defense would help, but freeze rays aren't something you can just throw in a backpack. Plus, in order to get this boost you have to forget "something." That's so vague. What am I forgetting, exactly? Is it what I had for breakfast this morning, or it is Mr. Tweetums my adorable childhood parakeet?

"The user releases a soothing scent that heals all status problems affecting the user's party."

Smelling good is nice and all, but it won't help you win a fight. You can throw on all the gross-smelling Axe bodyspray you want (now available in Doritos' cheese flavor), but you'll only be hurting yourself. No, if you really want to knock the other person flat on their ass you're going to need something really smelly, like an old towel caked in hobo urine. That might do the trick. You know what, I've changed my mind. If properly weaponized, aromatherapy could help you turn the tide.

"Recovers up to half the user's maximum HP."

Milk drink. Milk drink? There's seriously an attack called milk drink. Okay, whatever, here we go: you know how they say milk does a body good? Well, they're totally right. It does a body real fucking good and it'll help your bones grow strong and it'll make you a foot taller. But this process takes years to achieve, not seconds. Maybe if you get parched while you're bashing some guy's face in you can take a quick milk break, but otherwise you should save that calcium until later.

"With a scary face, the user tries to force a kiss on the foe. If it succeeds, the target falls asleep."

Oh boy, we're really going off the deep end with this one. Why would you fall asleep? The first part of the attack uses fear, and then you just nod off? Do you pass out from the fright of being smooched? I have so many questions. If you're already intimidating enough to force the other person into submission with your face alone, consider using those powers to - I dunno - stop the fight. Then you can skip the whole kissing and falling asleep part. This whole attack seems lewd.

"The user alters its cellular structure to liquefy itself, sharply raising its defense."

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! OH GOD IT BURNS IT BURNS SO BAD. EVERY PART OF MY EVERYTHING FEELS LIKE IT'S ON FIRE. CALL SOME HOSPITALS. MY SHIRT IS FUSING WITH MY CHEST. OH CRAP BASKETS. WHY DID I DECIDE TO MESS AROUND WITH THAT ACID? WHY DID I THINK THIS WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA? I AM LITERALLY FALLING OFF MY OWN BONES, BLARGUALRAKADHGLAHalskhhhhurrgghghhhhh. .. . .. .

There's a reason why they don't teach lick or aromatherapy or milk drink in those self defense courses. It's because these attacks don't work. They're not even really attacks, more like hobbies or ideas. So if you ever do find yourself in a rumble, just stick to the basics - and go for the eyes.

And for more Pokemon fun on GamesRadar+ be sure the check out What would the original 151 Pokemon taste like? and Top 20 most awkward middle-stage Pokemon.