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Night Of The Living Dead (1968)
If It Had Taken A Year: It would be The Walking Dead .
Magnolia (1999)
What Happens: Police officer Jim asks cocaine addict Claudia out on a date, while her TV host father collapses on stage and young prodigy Stanley wets himself on air. Elsewhere, Donnie is fired and tries to steal money from his boss, Earl Partridge dies shortly after reconciling with his estranged misogynist son and after his wife tries to kill herself. Oh and then frogs start falling from the sky and things get REALLY busy.
Worst Hour: As it rains frogs late at night, Claudia’s father fails to shoot himself and sets his house on fire by mistake, Earl dies, Donnie falls down and smashes his teeth and life basically wraps up all its little coincidences at once.
If It Had Taken A Year: Frogs would outnumber humans two to one and would try to take over the planet.
Clerks (1994)
What Happens: Dante and friend Randall look manage a convenience store for a day, talk about Star Wars, deal with difficult customers, put up with two drug dealers outside, play hockey on the roof, go to a wake, fight and then reconcile, meanwhile Dante gets dumped by his girlfriend and attempts to hook up with his ex, who accidentally has sex with a dead man.
Worst Hour: The final hour before closing: Jay and Silent Bob put Dante right and he realises he loves his girlfriend, who finds out about his ex and breaks up with him, followed swiftly by his store-wrecking fight and life epiphany with Randall.
If It Had Taken A Year: Dante would probably have to come to terms with the fact that he WAS supposed to be there today, tomorrow and the other 363 days.
Training Day (2001)
What Happens: LAPD officer Jake is evaluated by corrupt Detective Alonzo. Together they bust a drug deal, stop a sexual assault, search a drug dealer, get involved in a firefight with a neighbourhood gang, steal money from a drug dealer before shooting him and have a shotgun standoff. Then Jake narrowly avoids getting ‘offed’ and attempts to arrest Alonzo, before they go their separate ways.
Worst Hour: Somehow finding time to play a game of poker with Alonzo’s friend Smiley, Jake comes to realise that he has been dropped off there to get killed. They fight and Jake is dragged to the shower but, luckily, the wallet of Smiley’s cousin falls out of his pocket and he is saved after confirming that he rescued her earlier from attackers.
If It Had Taken A Year: There’d be bodies, drugs and stolen cash racking up by the week and Jake may have even turned corrupt himself after that amount of time on the wrong side of the law.
Airplane! (1980)
What Happens: Ex-fighter pilot Ted Striker boards a plane to win back his flight attendant girlfriend Elaine, many of the passengers get food poisoning, including the cockpit crew, the inflatable autopilot is released to fly the plane, Striker is convinced by the control tower to land the plane, they call in his former commanding officer to give him a pep talk, lightning strikes the plane and, finally, Ted lands it safely and reconciles with Elaine.
Worst Hour: The food poisoning hits, leading Dr. Rumack to diagnose and deduce that there was something wrong with the fish dinner, and then everyone starts dropping like flies.
If It Had Taken A Year: Ted could have learned to fly the commercial plane properly so there’d be no fear of him crashing. Also, we would have approximately 1000 more quotable lines of dialogue.
Do The Right Thing (1989)
What Happens: On the hottest day of the year, Buggin’ Out argues with pizzeria owner Sal, he comes back with pals Radio Raheem and Smiley and they get into a racially-charged fight, the police intervene and accidentally kill Radio Raheem, a mob descends onto the pizzeria and destroy it, setting it on fire.
Worst Hour: The hour in which Sal’s restaurant is destroyed: Mookie throws a trash can through the window, the angry crowd rush in to destroy everything in sight, Smiley sets it on fire, and the mob leave to attack the nearby the Korean market.
If It Had Taken A Year: The angry mob would eventually run out of steam, but not before destroying the whole of Brooklyn.
Before Sunrise (1994)
What Happens: Jesse and Céline meet on a train and disembark at Vienna, they visit landmarks, kiss, talk openly about life and relationships, meet a busker who writes them a poem, stop off at a cafe to talk some more, and eventually say a sad farewell.
Worst Hour: Going on the Wiener Riesenrad Ferris wheel and wasting no time in sharing their first kiss at sunset.
If It Had Taken A Year: It would mean them staying with each other for a whole year, moving in together, living in each other’s pockets and spending every moment together. Let’s be honest, they’d probably be sick of the sight of each other by the end of it.
Dr Strangelove Or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb (1964)
What Happens: An unstable Air Force general orders a nuclear attack on the Soviet Union, the President gathers his advisors and they attempt to recall the strike, Major Kong’s plane is attacked and receives a ruptured fuel tank, the bomb is eventually dropped and um... the end of the world is brought about by a nuclear holocaust.
Worst Hour: Easily the last one. Y’know, the one where the end of the world happens.
If It Had Taken A Year: The President and his advisors would have had more time to implement Dr. Strangelove’s plan to gather hundreds of thousands of people to live in deep mineshafts and eventually repopulate the planet. Or, we guess they could have used that time to find a way to recall the strike.
Ferris Buellers Day Off (1986)
What Happens: Ferris bunks off school, drives a Ferrari down town, has lunch at a fancy restaurant, catches a Cubs game, does some sightseeing, gatecrashes a street parade and performs to the crowd, wrecks the Ferrari and gets home in time just before his parents return from work.
Worst Hour: At around the 3pm mark, Ferris spots the parade, crashes it, gets up on the float and performs a lip-synced rendition of Twist And Shout.
If It Had Taken A Year: Ferris would be almost certainly expelled.
Die Hard (1988)
What Happens: John McClane arrives in Los Angeles, gets chauffeured to the Nakatomi Plaza, escapes as the building is taken hostage, beats up and kills several henchmen, forms a reassuring bond over the radio with Sgt Al Powell, saves the day AND comes up with a new catchphrase to repeat when the same shit happens to him another four times.
Worst Hour: A SWAT team attempts to storm the Nakatomi Plaza but are all easily killed by rockets, this prompts McClane to use a bag of C-4 to blow up an entire floor of the building, killing the goons responsible. This probably takes place at around the 10pm mark but, really, who’s checking their watch?
If It Had Taken A Year: It would be the longest hostage negotiation in history, with frequently ordered pizza and loo breaks. Gruber and his men would no doubt eventually become friends with their hostages and, when it was all over, the FBI would find a skeleton wearing a white vest up on the roof.
