Flight Of The Navigator (1986)
The Pet: The Puckmaren
The Weird: The Puckmaren is a tiny little alien who lives aboard the Trimaxion Drone Ship. To our minds, he’s a little too creepy to keep as a pet, but he seems to keep young David entertained during the long journey around the universe. He doesn’t ask “are we there yet?” once! Don’t get too attached though son, as the Puckmaren is the last of his kind. Your parents won’t be able to find a replacement if a fox gets hold of him…
If We Had One: We’d bung him in the car to liven the dashboard up a bit.
Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows (2010/11)
The Pet: Nagini
The Weird: Keeping a pet snake is moderately unusual, but plenty of people still do it. They usually go for ones in a slightly more manageable size, but then again, some people have pet pythons. And of course, some people do break off a little piece of their soul and magically bond it to their slippery friend…wait, hang on, nobody does that. We knew there was something strange about this arrangement.
If We Had One: We follow Voldemort’s lead and hide it within the corpse of an elderly woman. What larks!
Pulp Fiction (1994)
The Pet: The Gimp
The Weird: Don’t get us wrong, we’re all for alternative lifestyles. That said, there is something a teensy bit questionable about keeping a human male locked in a suitcase and only letting him out when you’ve got company. Proceeding to encourage him to sexually assault said company is definitely beyond the pale!
If We Had One: We wouldn’t be about to confess it on the internet. *Hastily crams struggling gimp back into trunk.*
Your Highness (2011)
The Pet: Simon the mechanical bird
The Weird: Simon isn’t so much weird as he is remarkable! A triumph of medieval mechanics, he not only flies and pecks like a real bird, he’s also capable of emoting like a human being! In fact, now we see that written down, he probably is a little strange. Then again, this is a film in which Toby Jones is revealed to be as smooth as a Ken doll down below, so it’s all relative.
If We Had One: We’d send him to steal the shiny things from ladies’ dressing tables. Don’t tell anyone, yeah?
The Dark Crystal (1982)
The Pet: Land Striders
The Weird: As ugly a pet as you’re ever likely to see, the Land Striders look like some sort of nightmarish hybrid of horse and jellyfish. Granted, in comparison with most of the creatures that crop up in The Dark Crystal , they’re probably amongst the more normal-looking, but they’re still pretty hideous by any normal standards. Still, they manage to resist eating the Gelflings, so we suppose they’re not all bad.
If We Had One: They’d be quite handy if we were running late. They can move much faster than any taxi…
Shaun Of The Dead (2004)
The Pet: Zombie Ed
The Weird: It’s touching that Shaun can’t bring himself to turn his back on his old friend. Then again, he has turned into a zombie. And whilst he might be able to give you tips on Resident Evil , having a zombie for a pet can only end one way… brains for breakfast. Not his, yours.
If We Had One: We’d keep him locked away until Halloween, then let him loose on the first trick or treaters to ring our bell. Fill your boots, Ed!
300 (2006)
The Pet: Goat-Man
The Weird: We’re not sure how exactly the goat-man happened to end up in Xerxes’ travelling band of freaks, but he’s a bit odd whichever way you cut it. We like goats, sure, and men are alright too, but together? Not for us. That said, he can play a mean tune on the sitar…
If We Had One: It would certainly be a talking point at dinner parties, especially if we had a hunchback to impress…
Meet The Parents (2000)
The Pet: Mr. Jinx
The Weird: Cats are unnerving animals at the best of times. They only give you the time of day when they want feeding, and their penetrating eyes seem to bore right through you. Nobody ever won a staring competition with a cat. Training one to use the toilet, then, is giving it even more leeway to usurp you as master of the house. Next thing you know, you’ll be sitting in the litter tray whilst that pesky moggy cosies up to your wife. Nip it in the bud!
If We Had One: We’d sling it in with Zombie Ed. That should take it down a peg or two…
Cujo (1983)
The Pet: Cujo
The Weird: In fairness to his owners, Cujo only starts killing people after being bitten by a rabid bat. However, the way in which he stalks his pray, to the point of trapping a mother and child in a sweltering car… well there’s something all too calculating to put that down to a simple disease. He’s a cunning bastard, is Cujo. Far too cunning by half…
If We Had One: The Jehovah’s Witnesses would be in for a bit of a surprise…
Predators (2010)
The Pet: Predator dogs
The Weird: Humans keeping dogs isn’t particularly weird, largely because the two species are almost entirely unrelated. However, the Predator dogs appear to have more than a few genes in common with their two-legged owners. It would be like keeping a dog / man hybrid in your kennel. It’s just not right.
If We Had One: We wouldn’t fancy cleaning up after it down the park. God only knows what its diet would produce…
Snatch (2000)
The Pet: Brick Top’s pigs
The Weird: These aren’t your common, friendly, farmyard fellows. These pigs, as Brick Top so eloquently puts it, “will go through bone like butter”. Now we like our sausages as meaty as the next man, but feeding a pig with human flesh kind of turns the stomach. That said, if you’re looking to get rid of a regular supply of corpses, they’re pretty much the ideal pet!
If We Had One: We’d use them to dispose of our enemies, of course. We could start monitoring the comments section for likely candidates…
The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2010)
The Pet: The Human Centipede
The Weird: There’s something a bit off about sewing three people together, mouth to anus. We can’t quite put our finger on it, but we just don’t feel very comfortable with that kind of set-up. For a start, it would take up quite a lot of room. And the one in the middle would always look a bit sad… No, we’ll stick to goldfish if it’s all the same to you.
If We Had One: It would serve as a handy footrest if we had friends over of an evening. We’d probably have to put a throw over it first though…
A Boy And His Dog (1975)
The Pet: Blood
The Weird: We know dogs are supposed to be man’s best friend, but getting your telepathic pooch to hook you up with women… well that’s taking things a bit far, isn’t it? Oh no, wait… killing the women he leads you to, and then feeding them to him. That’s taking things a bit far. A Boy And His Dog is such a misleading title…
If We Had One: We’d take him out on the town! We’ve always wanted a furry little wingman.
Air Bud (1997)
The Pet: Buddy
The Weird: Well let’s see… er, he’s a golden retriever who’s mastered the game of basketball. Not only that, but he appears to be better at it than most of his human opponents, despite the considerable handicap of not having opposable thumbs. That strikes us as slightly weird, although any referee that would allow a dog to come on as substitute is clearly having a laugh.
If We Had One: He wouldn’t be allowed near a basketball again. We’re damned if we’re going to be out-performed by a flea-bitten pooch!
Pet Sematary (1989)
The Pet: Church
The Weird: Church is your common or garden moggie, until an untimely meeting with an eighteen-wheeler leaves him somewhat the worse for wear. However, that’s nothing compared to what he ends up like, having been buried and resurrected from the magical “pet sematary”. He doesn’t walk right, he doesn’t sound right, and by all accounts he kicks out a terrible smell. That’s what tends to happen with reanimated corpses though… they’re never as cuddly as you think they’re going to be.
If We Had One: We’d do the decent thing and drown the little blighter. Sorry Church… it’s for your own good.
Babe (1995)
The Pet: Babe
The Weird: Pigs are good for many things. Bacon is delicious. Sausages are delightful. Even pork scratchings have a certain appeal. Why then, would you replace a perfectly good sheepdog with a pig that might otherwise be doing sterling work on the breakfast table? No wonder the villagers give old Farmer Hoggett a few sideways looks. The man’s a lunatic.
If We Had One: Oh, who are we kidding? We couldn’t bring ourselves to eat the little fellow. We’d have to buy a flock of sheep though, to give him something to do!
You Only Live Twice (1967)
The Pet: Blofeld’s Piranhas
The Weird: Fish are slightly odd pets in our opinion, given that they generally do bugger all for a year or so before giving up the ghost and dying. Piranhas do at least have a bit of life to them, although Blofeld’s ones seem to exist only to extend the lives of his bitterest enemies. Instead of trying to trick his adversaries into falling into the pool, he could just shoot them and have done with it!
If We Had Some: We’d instantly be surrounded by nubile, bikini-clad babes, all of whom would be presented in eye-popping 3D. That’s how it works, right?
Howard The Duck (1986)
The Pet: Howard T. Duck
The Weird: Yes, we know that as a humanoid, alien visitor, Howard is nobody’s pet per se. However, that’s the least disturbing definition of his relationship with young Lea Thompson we can come up with. We’re willing to forget about the shudderingly inappropriate sexual innuendo if you are…
If We Had One: We certainly wouldn’t allow him anywhere the bedroom. Would you trust him to keep his feathers to himself? Us neither.
Lilo & Stitch (2002)
The Pet: Stitch
The Weird: If you’re going to keep an alien as a pet, you have to allow for a few bizarre quirks along the way. As weird characteristics go, Stitch’s insatiable love of old Elvis numbers is actually quite a cool one, although it would probably get on your nerves before too long. Jailhouse Rock , again? Go on then, if you must…
If We Had One: We’d put him to work as a busker on the tube. If he stays with us, he earns his keep.
The Hangover (2009)
The Pet: Mike Tyson’s tiger
The Weird: In many ways, it’s appropriate that the self-proclaimed World’s Most Dangerous Man should own a pet as terrifying as a tiger. Similarly, it’s understandable that a man as unhinged as Tyson would get a massive tattoo inked across his face. However, just because these two things are understandable, it doesn’t make them any the less bizarre. Tigers were not meant to be kept as pets. Period.
If We Had One: We’d head straight over to Tyson’s place and challenge him to a tiger-off! (Disclaimer: no tigers were harmed in the formulation of this fantasy.)
