Dark & Stormy
Prepare yourselves for another helping of the robo-based blastathon, as…hang on a minute! This doesn’t look like Michael Bay’s usual colour palette. Everything looks so…dark. But of course that’s to be expected, as “on 7.1.11…Earth Goes Dark.” Got that knuckleheads? This time it’s serious!
We begin with a moody shot of a city that’s practically been reduced to a heap of smoking rubble. Indeed, Chicago hasn’t taken this much of a pounding since the Joker ran wild with his rocket launcher. Things are looking a mite grim to say the least…
Explosion Count: None as yet, but there’s plenty of flaming wreckage to tide us over until the real mayhem begins.
Here He Is...
Shia’s back, and that “stunned cow” look of fear and incomprehension is primed and ready for action! Perhaps he’s right to look so worried…this is the final film in the series (probably), so who’s to say Witwicky won’t kick the bucket this time around?
Well we do actually, as it’s pretty unlikely Paramount will close down their options for a fourth cash-cow, sorry, “episode.” Still, there’s no two ways about it, death looks high on the agenda for the hapless denizens of Chicago…
Explosion Count: Still zero. Come on Michael, stop mucking us about…
Handicap Match
Now we’re talking. The action has finally got in full swing with this head-on fender-bender. Except that’s no traffic accident…it’s the Autobot Ironhide taking on a pair of Decepticon “Dreads”!
The music has also shifted into a kind of air-raid siren drone…at last, we appear to be in a Michael Bay trailer. Switch off your brains and wallow in the carnage…it’s going to be a bumpy ride.
Explosion Count: We’ve got our first two explosions! One here in this little pile-up, and another just preceding it as an aircraft drops from the sky.
Woe Is Me
Things must be serious if the normally irrepressible (and by “irrepressible” we mean “irritating”) Bumblebee is looking so downcast. Here he is holding his head in his hands, presumably lamenting some act of Decepticon fiendishness.
Stop moping around and pull yourself together man! You want the chance to prove yourself as a badass? Well now’s the time! Nobody likes a crying robot. Nobody.
Explosion Count: We’re still stuck on two. Sadly, Bumblebee has elected not to self-destruct…
Battlefield Earth
Wowsers. Snipey cynicism aside, this scene looks pretty epic. The majority of the trailer appears to have been lifted from the film’s climactic battle, with various spacecraft (The Cybertrons?) laying siege to the Chicago skyline.
If there’s one scene that’s persuaded us to get excited about a third helping of Transformers silliness, it’s this one. And it’s worth remembering that all this will be presented in 3D…
Explosion Count: Stick three more on the tally as a trio of skyscrapers come under some heavy fire.
Is It A Bird?
Ah, now we reach the scene that had trigger-happy fanboys flocking to the message-boards to report a dinobot sighting. However, a closer look reveals that this winged fellow is no dinobot, but rather the bird-like Decepticon Laserbeak.
Are those circular holes in his wings a nod to the ‘80s toy’s original alter-ego as a cassette-tape? We like to think so…(*sigh*, what have we done with our lives?)
Explosion Count: We’re up to six after an indeterminate firestorm rages through a busy street.
Brothers In Arms
Tyrese Gibson in the house, muthafu…ahem, excuse us. It looks like Sergeant Epps is ready to rumble once again, whilst Shia continues to cower next to him like a little girl.
Meanwhile, a quick look towards the top right-hand corner of the frame reveals the legs of a ruddy massive Transformer. You have to hope that they belong to an Autobot, or else these two are going to find themselves in some serious grief.
Explosion Count: Still six. If we don’t reach ten by the end of this we will be writing a very strong letter of complaint to Mr. Bay.
Megan Who?
Helloooo Miss Huntington-Whitely…we’ve been expecting you. The lovely Rosie makes her bow, sauntering through the surrounding mayhem like a box-fresh Barbie-doll.
Is it wrong to find it hilarious that she’s wearing an all-white outfit in the middle of a warzone, and she hasn’t spot of grime on it? No, you’re right, it isn’t. Also, is the standard reaction to imminent death a sultry pout? Apparently so.
Explosion Count: Seven, after that 4x4 just blew up. Why, what were you looking at?
Prime Number
Here comes Optimus Prime, and it’s fair to say that somebody has seriously pimped his ride. At the end of the last film we saw Optimus fuse with the dying Jetfire to boost his strength, acquiring jet engines and wings in the process.
Well it looks like those upgrades have now been made permanent as the Autobots’ big dog comes swooping down from on high to open a can of whoop-ass on those pesky Decepticons. Go Optimus!
Explosion Count: It’s hard to say, but we can spot at least two mini ones amid Optimus’ hail of gunfire. Move the tally up to nine. Are we going to get there?
Total Carnage
Goodness. This little section is sending out one particular message loud and clear: Optimus Prime Will Fuck You Up. With a big, massive sword if necessary.
In all seriousness, it’s a highly impressive sequence, and one that very nearly had us punching the air at the first time of watching. Whatever happens in terms of plot and dialogue (and to be honest, is that ever going to be a priority for the Transformers franchise?), we can at least look forward to some of the most accomplished action of the series. Can’t say fairer than that, can you?
Explosion Count: Yee-ha! Prime’s Decepticon-slicing antics take us well into double figures, with five healthy blasts of fiery goodness. We make that 14 for the trailer, coming in at around one every two seconds. Welcome back Mr. Bay…
