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Age: 152
Unleashing wrinkly whupass in: Street Fighter III
Oro has survived for more than a century and a half, presumably as a direct result of simply being really, really, really hard. We’re talking about a man who gave up normal life in favour of jungle hermitdom out of nothing more than his boredom at a lack of unworthy fight challengers. That’s how important fighting is to this guy. If he can’t take a beating, he’ll give up on the world.
Also, did we mention that he fights with one arm strapped up so that he doesn’t kill his opponents by accident? And that the only reason that he didn’t beat Akuma was that he was just sparring with him for shits and giggles? But planet-busting combat abilities (and unfortunate ET-meets-Crypt-Keeper stylings) aside, Oro is a bit of a good egg. Not only does he have a great care for his adversaries’ well-being, his SFIII: Third Strike ending shows that the only thing capable of renewing his life’s purpose is a paternal desire to help Ryu reach his full potential.
Oh, and he also rides on the top of planes. Not even Batman rides on the top of planes.
If he was your Grandad:
Oro would be the ultimate badass video game grandad. He’d combine the benevolence of Johnson with the ancient wisdom of Shun Di and The End, and once fully trained, his grandkids could beat the crap out of Bill’s grandkids in their sleep and put Heihachi himself in a coma with a moderately forceful blink.
He’d have to hug them one at a time though. Both arms, and they’d be child soup.
1. Old Grandma Hardcore
Age: 73
Unleashing wrinkly whupass in: the real world
Oh come on, we had to.
If you’re not already aware of Barbara St. Hilaire, head over to the Old Grandma Hardcore blog right now. It’s not the SafeSearch baiting horror it sounds, we promise. What you’ll actually find over there is the continuing story of the coolest old lady in gaming.
Not for her, a sudden faddish interest in gaming through a chance encounter with Wii Sports. Oh no. Fuelled with games by her grandson Timothy (writer of said blog), she’ll curse, frag, swear and curse her way through any shooter or RPG she can get her hands on, devour it on Veteran, then move on to the next before most of us have even got through the tutorial.
Don’t assume that the site is just a one-note gimmick though. If you trawl through the blog archive, you’ll find a genuinely cool and sweet old lady with one hell of a good relationship with her grandson. It sounds trite to call it heartwarming, but the day-to-day story of two generations bonded by gaming is one of the most smile-inducing things on the internet.
If she was your Grandma:
It would be awesome.
13 July, 2009
Solid Snake became a ripe old git – what if others did too?
We recount the seminal action series
Videogame vixens gone horribly, horribly wrong
