So, Kingdom Of The Crystal Skulls, is it Lucasfilm? For shame – we would much rather watch one of the following. Maybe.
1. Indiana Jones And The City Of Gods
THE PLOT:
Indiana Jones has to travel to Mount Olympus to rescue some mystical nectar which gives the person who drinks it the power to chuck lightning bolts around and grow a massive white beard. When he gets there, he realises that the gods of Greek mythology are REAL and they live in a CITY.
THE ACTION SEQUENCE:
Indiana Jones is in a big room. Ares, the god of savage war, is firing massive arrows at him. Indy rolls about for a bit, dodging the arrows and grimacing, before wrapping his whip around Ares’ chunky ankles and tugging him to the ground. Indy then has a bit of a rest, because all the exercise has made him wheeze.
THE WISECRACK:
Shia LeBeouf tries to read an ancient map, which shows the best path to Mount Olympus. He turns it upside down, gurns, then says ‘It’s all Greek to me!’ Indiana Jones punches him full in the face.
2. Indiana Jones And The Fourth Corner Of The Earth
THE PLOT:
Indiana Jones finds an ancient door which can transport him to different dimensions – like in Stargate. However, unlike in Stargate, it takes him to HEAVEN. Where he meets GOD who lives in THE FOURTH CORNER OF THE EARTH. God then sends Indy on a mission to kill THE DEVIL. This one writes itself.
THE ACTION SEQUENCE:
Indiana Jones is IN HELL. He’s fighting demons like there’s no tomorrow. Seriously, these things are everywhere. One demon spins a pitchfork around his head, showing off, because he’s really good with it. Indy takes out his pistol, shoots the pitchfork demon, turns, and winks at the camera. Brilliant.
WISECRACK:
After some early foreshadowing, in which Indiana Jones tells Shia LeBeouf he’ll admit he’s his father: ‘When Hell freezes over,’ Indy uses a fictional ancient artefact to actually freeze Hell . When the flames of Hell have crystallised into ice cubes, Indy tuns to Shia, jabs his thumb over his shoulder and says: ‘That doesn’t count.’
3. Indiana Jones And The Lost City Of Gold
THE PLOT:
Indiana Jones and his sidekick Shia LeBeouf are looking for the Lost City Of Gold, because they want loads of money.
THE ACTION-SEQUENCE:
Shia LeBeouf skateboards down a mountain of gold relics, which are falling behind him like a metal avalanche. Meanwhile, Indiana is smooching a lady. An old lady.
THE WISECRACK:
There are no wisecracks in this one. This one’s serious.
4. Indiana Jones And The Quest For The Covenant
THE PLOT:
It’s Raiders Of The Lost Ark, but with Shia LeBeouf digitally edited in, Forrest Gump-style.
THE ACTION SEQUENCE:
The bit with the boulder, except Shia LeBeouf's now running alongside Indiana Jones, making comedy ‘scared’ noises.
THE WISECRACK:
Indiana: I can only say I'm sorry so many times.
Marion: Well, say it again anyway.
Indiana: Sorry.
Shia: Say sorry to me as well.
Indiana: I can only say I'm sorry so many times.
Shia: Well, say it again anyway.
Indiana: Sorry.
5. Indiana Jones And The Destroyer Of Worlds
THE PLOT:
Indiana Jones discovers an ancient text, which prophesises that Albert Einstein will accidentally invent nuclear bombs. Indy and Shia LeBeouf start a race against time to stop the wild-haired loon from splitting the atom
THE ACTION SEQUENCE:
Indy is fighting some Russian terrorists in a big laboratory, for no apparent reason. He whips various test tubes in the Russians’ faces. They all have hilarious consequences – one turns a terrorist’s hair blue, one turns his skin purple and one is acid which melts the screaming Russian’s face off until there’s nothing left but a sort of gory ooze.
THE WISECRACK:
Albert Einstein says: ‘Great Scott!’ because Steven Spielberg wants to reference Back To The Future and there’s nothing you can do to stop him.
