The long-awaited Elden Ring DLC reveal delivered three minutes of tantalizing teasers for the bosses and environments that we'll encounter in Shadow of the Erdtree. Well, it actually delivered a 30-minute countdown that led to another 30-minute countdown, and then three minutes of good stuff, but that's just FromSoftware perpetually baiting its audience even on a good day. About a solid minute of the trailer was also dedicated to the new weapons and spells we'll acquire in the Land of Shadow come June 21, and to my delight a lot of them look dumb as hell.
Elden Ring is a game about slaying demigods in a ruined world on the precipice of somehow more ruinous ruination (ruining it in the process). It is also a game about mad lad Tarnished, with crab legs in their pockets and iron balls on their fists, no-scoping dudes with a Jar Cannon, carving monsters with a giant pizza cutter, and literally giving bosses the finger with a giant finger hammer. It is a deeply silly game made infinitely sillier by its straight-faced seriousness – the Loathsome Dung Eater, I mean come on – and based on the weapons shown in today's trailer, Shadow of the Erdtree looks set to continue this delicate balance of amazingly dumb and genuinely cool.
Dual swords, but backwards
I remember watching the Witcher TV show, seeing Henry Cavill frequently wield his longsword backwards, and thinking, "that looks cool, but seems dumb." The YouTube algorithm, presumably spying on me via the birds outside my house, later fed me a video from a Sword Expert who assessed Cavill's stance, ultimately saying in so many words, "that looks cool, but is dumb." That's the vibe I'm getting here. Two curved swords, again, but backwards. Cool, but dumb. Perfect.
Throwing knives
It's that time of year, Tarnished. Time to try out a ranged weapon, inevitably miss because your target had the audacity to move lazily to the left, and then immediately throw in the towel, respec back to a Strength build, and pull out the big sword that basically can't miss. On the upside, it looks like these things are heavy enough to stagger enemies if they do connect.
Psionic Backlash from Baldur's Gate 3
I don't know what to call this spell – just as I don't know what to call many of the things on this list, which you will soon see – so screw it, it's Psionic Backlash from Baldur's Gate 3. You think really hard and then a bunch of people's heads explode in a pink mist, now with butterflies. Honestly? Really pretty; going right onto my sorceress build.
Chun Li from Street Fighter
Miyazaki must not have been kidding when he said there are Malenia-grade bosses in this DLC, because the Tarnished have finally been forced to break out the two strongest weapons known to man: the foot, and the other foot.
Really Big Pot
There's a huge variety of craftable pots in Elden Ring, including many surprisingly useful variations like fire pots and sleep pots, so it's a shame that roughly 100% of players forgot they exist and never used them after the first 11 minutes of the game. But you know what, just for Really Big Pot, I'm gonna break out those crafting recipes one more time before inevitably forgetting about them again. I look forward to the updated "pots only" challenge runs and the Oppenheimer edits.
A crossbow machine gun
In the same way that a really big pot would only come about to answer the question of what to use when a regular pot won't cut it, a full-auto crossbow can only be a response to a problem that a normal crossbow couldn't solve. I don't think the random knight on the receiving end of this machine gun in the trailer is what prompted its formulation, and I need to know what did. Probably a Runebear, actually.
This horned bear roar
Speaking of which, Tarnished can now apparently wield the strength of the strongest beings in the Lands Between: the godforsaken bears. That's it, then. Messmer may as well surrender now.
This guy's purple lance, which I want
As a devout lance main in Monster Hunter, I've always been a little disappointed in the great spears available in Elden Ring. There's a normal ol' lance, sure, but sometimes I do want something spicier than vanilla ice cream with a side of air. This lance looks like something with a little more oomph, and I really hope we can steal it.
Sonic the Hedgehog
It's no secret that the thorn spells in Elden Ring suck out loud, so here's hoping this thorny spell actually does something beyond damaging yourself. If this one sucks too, I'm cutting FromSoftware off; you're never gonna make this archetype work. Give it up and go make another blue laser.
This guy's boomerang, which I also want
I already feel bad about killing this boss, which has an oddly cute little face nestled in its exposed ribcage, and stealing its boomerang, assuming it is a drop or at least a craftable boss weapon. But it's so cool. I need it. The oddly cute little guy must die.
The sword embedded in this guy like Excalibur, which I simply must have
Will this actually be a weapon, or is this depiction of how migraines feel just going to be turned into cutscene fodder? I'm hoping for the former. It wouldn't be the first time Elden Ring turned somebody's spine into a sword, I can tell you that.
This spiked shield and twinblade combo
You can already technically beat Elden Ring by only using shield attacks, but nothing currently in the game quite matches the sheer bravado of putting spikes on the end of your shield and using it for an overhead swing like you're brandishing a steel chair in the WWE. The twinblade – that's two more blades in this getup, for an impressive total of four – is the cherry on top, and I'm pretty sure that it's new, too.
Finally, the best Crucible Knight spell
May February 21 become a global, federal holiday: the day we finally got confirmation that the best Crucible Knight spell, the one where they pull out wings and rear back for a diving attack, will soon be in our hands. Look, the dragon tail whip is cool and all, but it ain't no wings.
Messmer's spear
There's a good chance that Messmer, the Impaler is going to be the Malenia of this expansion – what is it about M bosses – so I'm hoping his weapon is worth the pain of defeating him. It looks to be a massive flaming spear, which at least sounds like a worthy addition to the armory. Massive? Flaming? Spear? I'm down. I look forward to being killed by it, I don't know, 47 times.
