The 2017 Oscar winning movies: reviewed by angry Amazon users

An the winners are...

Hollywood’s biggest night has come and gone and all the golden statuettes for the 2017 Oscars have been awarded. Many would say that the awards for greatness in filmmaking mostly wound up in deserving hands. However, the collective wisdom that is online commenters has banded together to set those fools right. Here we have some of the most crabby, cranky, and downright bizarre reviews left on Amazon for the winners of the Academy Awards. Hang tight, because there are light spoilers, bad spelling, and a total lack of self-awareness ahead.

Best Picture: Moonlight

Karen Hofferber: Are there some interesting themes explored? Yes, definitely -- human connection, identity, family, homosexuality, and masculinity -- to name a few. Are there some noteworthy acting performances? Also a yes. But where it all falls apart for me is in really TELLING A STORY. This is my main objection to this film (and a lot of other "artsy" movies of late).

And the award for 'Missing the point in the most ironic way possible' goes to…

Best Actress in a Leading Role: Emma Stone, La La Land

Cougarguide: I know all the hipsters everyone is singing LA-LA Land's praises, so to speak, and reverently genuflecting at the mere mention of “Oscars” and “LA-LA- Land” in the same sentence. But I found it dull, way overlong, and tedious.

So… kind of like that sentence?

Cougarguide: Maybe it's the jazz? All jazz sounds like the exact same song to me. This movie felt like they were playing and replaying the same elevator music over and over.

Go home, Cougarguide, you’re drunk and in need of a serious sit-down with Kind of Blue.

Best Actor in a Leading Role: Casey Affleck, Manchester by the Sea

SASunshine: Every other word is the f=== word or motherf_____, or some other curse word. Lots of arguing - talking over each other. Casey Affleck can't act any better than his brother - he probably doesn't say 100 words in over 2 hours.

Ah, SASunshine, you’ve fallen prey to the false assumption that consumes so many Amazon commenters: that words are the only way for a movie to tell a story or for an actor to act. If I had a nickel for every time the words “slow” or “boring” are levied against Oscar nominees in online reviews, I’d be able to buy every single couture gown from the red carpet show five times over.

Best Director: Damien Chazelle, La La Land

Antonia Tejeda Barros: Where is the art? Where is the real struggle? Is it so terrible not to succeed in a theatre play? There are today millions of people dying from hunger, wars, violence, and incurable diseases, and to sink because a play didn’t turn out how you expected or you cannot be the jazz pianist number one is really childish.

This movie is about two artists trying to stay true to their make their artistic statement and/or find artistic success in their artistic fields. It pushes the artistic vision of what a movie musical can be with its artsy depiction of Los Angeles and its aspiring artists. Yeah, I’m not seeing any art here at all. 

Best Actress in a Supporting Role: Viola Davis, Fences

James R: I grew tired of the endless complaining, the endless chips on the shoulders, the focus on drinking. Cheerless, sad, depressing. Could have been great. Could have been a lesson, in getting over where you were born, the hand you were dealt. I wanted to stand up and yell: "Just get on with it already". Quit complaining. ugh.

Your deep, nuanced understanding of the human condition is unparalleled, James R. Might I suggest that you never, ever pursue a career in psychology?

Best Actor in a Supporting Role: Mahershala Ali, Moonlight

Angela M. Whitman: Hard to believe this movie is amongst the academy award nominees. What a disappointment. Nothing profound or even interesting about this movie.

The film is about coming to terms with one’s own identity in a society that has marginalized or belittled every label it has assigned you. If that’s not interesting or profound, I don’t think I want to know what Angela would consider worthy of such a definition.

Best Animated Feature Film: Zootopia

S. Ayeroff: Don't like animation.

Then maybe, just maybe, this one-line, one-star review of Zootopia is kind of unhelpful and a waste of time?

Best Visual Effects: The Jungle Book

HonestReviews: Things I liked: The nostalgia of the songs from the animated movie. Things I didn't like: This entire movie was CGIed to death.

Hold on, folks, we might have a dark horse victory in the 'Missing the point in the most ironic way possible' category!

Best Costume Design: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

Amanda Pike: They all wear 1920s clothes, perfectly mundane 1920s clothes .Why do the British Wizards get to wear the cool eccentric robes but American wizards dress so plainly?

…because American fashion in the '20s was amazing?

Best Makeup and Hairstyling: Suicide Squad

el viejo: HUH

Actually, that pretty well sums up our reaction to Suicide Squad being an Oscar-winning movie.

Anna Washenko
Freelance Writer

Anna is a freelance writer who has written for the likes of GamesRadar, Ars Technica, Blizzard Watch, and Mashable. She's also created games as part of various game jams. Anna likes games about solving puzzles and/or shooting things. She wishes she could trade zingers with GLaDOS and have beers with Garrus Vakarian in real life.