Texas Chainsaw 3D review

How to make a 3D movie in one dimension

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We’ve had sequels, prequels, next generations and remakes - it was only a matter of time before Austin’s family of incestuous amateur tree surgeons reached us in 3D.

Sadly, this leap onto the stereoscopic bandwagon marks a new low for the franchise, as far away in quality from the ’74 original as it is in years.

Heather (Alexandra Daddario) is the granddaughter driving to the Deep South to collect her inheritance: a mansion that once belonged to the Sawyer family, who are definitely all dead thanks to a pyromaniac lynch mob.

The fact that original Leatherface Gunnar Hansen gets top billing screams maybe someone survived, and his eventual appearance as “Boss” sucks logic from a timeline so full of holes you could wash your salad in it.

Heather is a teen but born in 1973? Present-day cops use iPhones as flashlights? The best way to break through automatic gates is to ram them, then reverse and wait for them to work?

It’s best to switch your head off for 90 minutes and pretend you’re watching Saw 2 with hedge trimmers.

The vague links to the original only make the whole thing uglier, and drive home the one genuine shock: Texas Chainsaw 3D producers plan to make this a seven-entry franchise. The horror. The horror.

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