"One ring to rule them all" has never sounded more accurate than after watching this snooze-worthy sword'n'sorcery epic starring T3's Terminatrix, Kristanna Loken. Swapping her titanium alloy chassis for a retro range of Nordic furs and oversized spears, Loken's chiselled looks are perfectly suited to this tale of blacksmith-turned-dragon-slayer Siegfried (Benno Fürmann), who's destined to marry Loken's Icelandic queen but gets gazumped on his way to the altar after supping a magic potion.
Loosely based on Wagner's classic opera The Ring Of The Nibelungs, Sword Of Xanten was originally made for German television. Which probably explains why the dragon bears a distinct resemblance to a pet Gecko, the battle scenes look more like a pub car-park brawl than Helm's Deep, and Loken spends the entire movie letting her blonde plaits blow in the breeze as though she's just stepped out of a shampoo ad. Teutonic tosh.