Staggeringly inept attempt to scam Kickstarter is found out. Hilarious pitch needs to be seen to be believed

"What's that you say? You only need $80K to finish the RPG you're working on? And you say it will be up to the standard of World of WarCraft, only with the graphical fidelity of Skyrim? Ye gods, you talented lot, take my money now! I can afford it, because I'll have loads once that Nigerian prince comes through on his side of the deal. Take a few grand.

"I really, really am very impressed with your team, by the way. To quit your previous jobs at Activision-Blizzard 'in search of something better!' is an admirable mission, but to do so without any discernible ability to write sentences in correct spelling and grammar must have taken some bravery.

"But still, I suppose that kind of forthright can-do attitude is what made you such valuable members of the WoW and Diablo II teams for so long. And might I say, your clear youthful energy is a large part of the reason I'm investing. Diablo II might have been 12 years ago, but in your pitch video your Creative Director doesn't look a day over 22. I suppose the special breed of boundless creativity you guys clearly possess keeps a person young. Unless of course your CEO is the kind of crazy child prodigy capable of making world-class dungeon crawlers at the age of 10. I wouldn't put it past you impressive bastards to have a guy like that on-team.

"After all, if you're producing, as you say, a game so good that GAMES WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN with a team of only 12 people, and turning it around for summer 2013, you guys must be staggeringly talented. Your results so far are already damn impressive. Your concept art looks exactly like that of fantasy artist Gonzalo Ordoñez Arias. In fact it's so close to his standards that it could almost be his work. And some of your other stuff is so professional that it could positively have been lifted from a Photoshop tutorial!

"Good call on getting Disney and Pixar in to do your game's animation too. I'll admit, I was slightly thrown by the "early '00s kids' show" standard of the brief CG in your pitch video, but realising that it's probably simply a quick prototype you threw out in a lunchbreak as a rough guide for the men and women who brought us Wall-E allays my concerns.

"You're obviously impressing a lot of people across the whole gamut of creative digital industries. As you say, you have Disney/Pixar in your phonebook, and I see from the photos on your Facebook page that the good folks at Burton Design are letting you borrow their offices. Presumably your pitch video was put together before Burton let you move in, given the fact that it almost looks like it was filmed in someone's bedroom. But hey, no more of that sort of stuff for big stars like you from now on, right?

"Maybe get the Disney boys to have a look at your next video though. The framing in your current one is all over the place. But never mind. You're probably too busy putting together this industry-changing new game of yours to worry about that sort of thing at the moment. I'm cool with that. Your priorities are sound.

"Right, now where do I click to give you my cash? I've just got to get me one of those posters. I love the way you've created a natty depth of field effect on them by having all of the layers of Photoshop at different levels of focus. That was what you were going for, wasn't it? Yeah, must be. No chance of crap Photoshop from such gifted artists as yourselves.

"Oh, the donation link seems to have been locked off. Your Kickstarter seems to have been cancelled. What's going on guys? Do you not need my money any more? Have you already finished the game on your own? Guys? Guys?"


David Houghton
Long-time GR+ writer Dave has been gaming with immense dedication ever since he failed dismally at some '80s arcade racer on a childhood day at the seaside (due to being too small to reach the controls without help). These days he's an enigmatic blend of beard-stroking narrative discussion and hard-hitting Psycho Crushers.