I love my Xbox One - DO YOU?

Console Your Console

The Xbox One isn't even two years old, and it's already received some of the worst abuse the so-called internet can muster. Imagine sitting a toddler down and screaming at it about its lack of DLNA features. "Why," you would spit, "can I not yet wirelessly stream MKVs of flashy superhero romp Arrow into your young brain? And why don't you have legs, kid? What are you, some kind of American home entertainment hub?"

This kind of behaviour is exactly why, in our site's Xbox Week, I'm hoping you'll show your console some love, treat it to a few home comforts you might otherwise have forgot to lavish on it in the last year or so. Here are a few tips:

Dust Off That Kinect

If the Xbox One has taken a bruising recently, it's got a big purply patch right on the ol' Kinect. Games that utilise it these days are practically non-existent, and a survey I conducted on me and my cool uncle suggests that most people just use it to scare old people by using voice commands when they're watching the news.

But there are such hidden depths to find! For instance, did you know that by heading to the Settings App and hitting the Kinect button, you can cycle through three vision modes? One is the regular broadcast view, another is a thermal camera, and the third (above) reveals any and all ghosts, orbs, or spectres in the frame!

Draw it as a still life

Clean lines, bold features and a capacity to safely store fruit are just a few reasons it's such a huge shame the Xbox One wasn't around when still life painting was as cool as Neknominating and drone strikes are these days.

That said, if indie games have taught us anything, it's that pilfering from ugly old stuff from the past can make you a millionaire overnight, so pull out those acrylics and make your console feel like a one of those really cuboid French girls.

Take it to a jazz club

Did you know that jazz keeps circuitry clean? By some scientific miracle, the keening, soul-sapping wail of a saxophone, when combined with the perfumed sweat-vapour of Charlie Parker enthusiasts, will strip dust and bad vibes from your precious console's filigreed innards.

Obviously, I've pictured my own Xbox One smoking a cigarette. This is not in anyway good for its insides, but it does look cool as heck.

Go to a wine bar afterwards

As the night grows long, you'll want to head somewhere a little quieter. Conversation is key to any relationship - new or old - and you won't feel better about yourself or your ability to make up stories than after a spot of Shiraz.

Make sure you laugh at the Xbox One's jokes, especially if they're about the PS4, but never if they're about the Ouya. That's just mean.

Head on home

If you've followed my tips, you'll have a friend for life, a painting, have proof of the afterlife and be drunk. I don't remember why I did any of this, but I do know that I love my console, and it loves me. And that's the meaning of Christmas, good night everyone.

Joe Skrebels
Joe first fell in love with games when a copy of The Lion King on SNES became his stepfather in 1994. When the cartridge left his mother in 2001, he turned to his priest - a limited edition crystal Xbox - for guidance. And now he's here.