Puff quotes of doom

Every day, our inboxes fill with press releases. Every time we see a new game, someone from the publisher is there to feed us the company line. Whenever there's a big event, someone from the company gets up on stage and spouts bluster to try and convince the audience that everything is going better than is literally possible in our space-time continuum.

Having just endured another E3, we're laden down with more silly quotes than we know what to do with. So we decided to sort the pile and present them for your amusement. Otherwise, nobody would ever read them anyway, right?

On Colin McRae: Dirt

"With slow motion, rewind, multiple camera angles, and more, gamers can now watch any crash repeatedly until their eyes are bleeding tears of joy."

Dirt: the racing game designed forLe Chiffre.

On Alien Syndrome

"Extremely high-quality sci-fi action-RPG gameplay made specifically for the Wii and the PSP (PlayStation Portable) system."

Why read the review? This game is "extremely high-quality." Thanks, Sega, for removing a difficult purchasing decision.

On Rise of the Argonauts

"Further, Jason and the other Argonauts can combine combat tactics, where Hercules might bear hug an enemy from behind while Jason bashes them to a bloody pulp with his mace, for example."

Someone has an awkward and strangely specific imagination.

On Innocent Life: a Futuristic Harvest Moon

"Life is good for the residents of Heartflame Island, especially since new robots and automated machines do almost all of the work. But technology is a tool - not an answer to all problems. Maybe that's why everyone is a little uneasy about the old stories of strange magic and a prediction that Flame Mountain will erupt and destroy everything."

Can't imagine why...

On the acquisition of developer Junction Point

"Our shared visions on creativity, innovation and storytelling will allow us to touch individual players in ways never before possible."

Keep your hands away from us.