How To Survive Saw

Don't commit robbery at a loved one's behest

One of the key factors in Kramer's decision to become the Jigsaw killer and punish those who were reckless with their own lives came when his wife miscarried their unborn baby. In Saw IV , you discover Mrs Jigsaw lost the baby when she was hit by a door while her clinic was robbed by Cecil (Billy Otis).

Cecil later becomes the guinea pig for Kramer's first killer trap, having to push his face into a bunch of knives to free himself from a deadly chair. It's later revealed (in Saw VI , to be precise) that Cecil committed the burglary at Amanda's request, as part of the franchise's elaborate, labyrinthine backstory.

How Easy Is It To Achieve? Relatively simple, if you can steer clear of drug-addled nutjobs.

If You Really Have To: Make sure you know who you're robbing, and ideally wait until the place is empty to avoid any mishaps that could have convoluted repercussions in the future.

Don't be a societal scumbag

In Part Four, lawyer Art Blank (Justin Louis) has to go through all manner of challenges, as part of his punishment for previously defending some pretty despicable types on various trials.

Similarly, Part Six sees the lengthy tribulations of immoral insurance exec William Easton (Peter Outerbridge), who has to pay the consequences for scamming innocent people out of healthcare (including one John Kramer- oops!)

How Easy Is It Too Achieve? To most of us the concept of not being a total bastard isn't too alien, but it's likely to be a bit more of a challenge for these dollar hungry fiends. Easton could certainly take a leaf out of Mr Incredible's book when it comes to helping people out with insurance claims, whereas Blank needs to vet his clients a little more thoroughly.

If You Really Have To: Then do your best to protect yourself from the inevitable trap. We recommend Easton gets a dog-handling body-suit to protect him from the acid syringe trap, whereas Blank needs to practise his ventriloquism skills for when his gob gets stitched up.

Do put your own feelings before your abusive husband's

In Saw IV , SWAT man Rigg is facing a series of tests of his own, one of which involves an abused wife he once investigated.

Morgan (Janet Land), the lady in question, has been skilfully impaled back-to-back with her husband, with all of the spikes avoiding her vital organs and piercing his. To save her own life, she's got to remove the spikes, which is going to be bad news for her other half.

How Easy Is It To Achieve? Just focus on the nasty fella's negative traits and you'll be winning your real-life game of Operation in no time.

If You Really Can't: Make sure you keep your mobile phone fully charged at all times, lest you need to call an emergency ambulance to get you out of a sticky scrape.

Don't do as Jigsaw does

Do as he says! We don't buy the first movie's flawed logic which backs up the claim that Jigsaw isn't actually a killer because he just puts people into escapable traps: we're pretty a certain a court would still convict him of murder.

But it turns out Jigsaw (or at least one of his apprentices) doesn't like it if you go ahead and do some murdering yourself. Take Seth (Joris Jarsky). After murdering Hoffman's little sister, and escaping with a short sentence, he gets strapped into a pendulum slicer, and can't even escape after crushing his own hands.

How Easy Is It To Achieve? It depends on the intensity of your psychotic feelings.

If You Really Have To: Then you probably deserve some grisly retribution in all honesty, so don't come complaining to us.

Do carry a biro with you at all times

Not everyone who gets slammed in a trap ends up dying in there. Take FBI agent Peter Strahm (Scott Patterson).

On his hunt for the killer, he refuses to give up, and wakes up at one point with his head locked in a small tank that is filled with water. He must be praising his decision to always carry a trusty biro on his person though, as the resourceful chap uses his pen to perform a swift tracheotomy on himself.

How Easy Is It To Achieve? Hats off to the guy, it's not something we'd ever fancy doing for a dare.

If You Really Can't: What, you can't shove a biro in your pocket? What about a Swiss Army knife? A couple of plasters?

Do work as a team

Don't always presume that Jigsaw automatically wants you to come to harm, just because he has put your life in danger for the sake of his own amusement. Think of your trap as a corporate team building day: that's what the five victims of Saw V should have done.

Only when two make it to the final bloodletting stage of their ordeal, they realise that perhaps shafting their teammates along the way wasn't the best idea. You wouldn't see that on The Crystal Maze .

How Easy Is It To Achieve? In theory, it should be simple and logical, just think of all of the proverbs you've ever heard that declare the importance of teamwork: 'A problem shared…', 'United we stand…' and all that.

If You Really Can't: Then you should sign yourself up for a work away-day, pronto!

Do use your medical knowledge to your own advantage

We were treated to a sneak preview of the opening of Saw 3D , and the familiar return of fan favourite Dr Gordon (Cary Elwes).

With the movie looking like it's going to answer years worth of speculation about his fate, we catch up with him crawling down a corridor, having recently sawn off his own foot to escape at the end of the franchise's first chapter. The quick-thinking chap looks to curtail any further blood-loss by introducing the stump of his leg to a searingly hot pipe…

How Easy Is It To Achieve? Recalling a working knowledge of cauterisation is probably easy enough; going through with the act probably requires a bit more will power though.

If You Really Can't: We probably wouldn't blame you.

Don't two-time your boyfriend(s)

Saw 3D 's opening trap sees two guys and a girl as various ends of a trap that features a worrying number of circular saws.

The infamous puppet arrives to tell the lads that the girl they've been seeing has been playing them, and gives them a choice: drive the machine forward to slice open your rival, or hold it steady to dissect your cheating missus (who's suspended above). Hmmm?

How Easy Is It To Achieve? That probably depends on the hunkiness of the guys in question.

If You Really Have To: Make sure you two-time a pair of guys you trust to do the right thing, should you end up in a triple-ended murder machine.

Do... Face Your Fears!

Last week, a couple of Total Film guinea pigs (Dan and Matt) were sent to Thorpe Park to take on Saw: The Ride and Saw Alive (a live-action horror maze). If this prospect wasn't scary enough, then the fact we'd be strapping on fear measuring kit (to test heart rates, facial reactions, and perspiration level) made things all the more daunting.

With more than a little macho pride at stake, we took on the challenge and lived to tell the tale. You can check out the helmet cam videos of the ride on Total Film's YouTube channel (watch Dan's here and Matt's here )

We came away with our lives but what about our dignity? Well, during Saw Alive Dan's 'Fright %' hit 35, with a maximum heart rate of 207, while Matt reached 18% 'Fright', with his heart rate hitting a max of 215.

On Saw: The Ride , Dan reached 33% 'Fright', compared to Matt's 14%, but both guys' heart rates topped 200 again.

Verdict? Well, we reckon that's pretty respectable, but perhaps we need a Halloween horror marathon just to prove ourselves...