"I'M THE CONDUCTOR OF THE POOP TRAIN!" (Borderlands 2)
Aw, poor Krieg. He sees the most beautiful woman he's ever seen in his life and wants to say something classy and appropriately poetic. But all he can manage is this. It's so wrong, she immediately tries to kill him. Such is the world of Borderlands 2 (and the amazing promotional video this is taken from).
Fortunately, Krieg lives long enough to get another crack at the pickup line whip, which he wields with considerable semantic power when he proclaims: "I POWDERED MY COCKATIEL FOR THE RIBCAGE SLAUGHTER!" Bet she hears that one all the time.
"I've baked a cake for you" (Mario 64)
Oh come on, this is totally a pick-up line. They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, and Peach has baked a cake just for Mario. It's probably still hot. With a moist centre. And chocolate dripping off the top AND OVER ITS SIDES. Imagine it, Mario. Imagine it.
Is it any wonder Mario hot-foots it over to the castle right away? Or any wonder that he risks his neck trying to rescue Peach from Bowser for the next 20 hours or so of classic 3D gaming? Did you not see how eagerly he bounds up to her in the end sequence? It was the cake line that did it.
"The only music I'm interested in is creakin' bedsprings while I take you for a magic ride on my purple submarine."
Look, I'm going to level with you here. The Leisure Suit Larry series is absolutely packed with awful pick-up lines, so we're going to have to dedicate a significant chunk of this feature to him. This 'gem' is from Box Office Bust, which also contains such hits as "Let's just say I'm not too picky. I'd f*** a cliff".
The script is already at the end of the sleazeball scale, but the slightly indifferent delivery of lines make it sound even more sleazy in the actual game. Basically all the dialogue in Box Office Bust needs a good washing with soap.
"So, waddaya say? A little game of drop the anchor? You and me? Stem to stern? Tug and tanker?" (Leisure Suit Larry 7)
What do you do when talking to Captain Thye? Plunder the semantic field of boats to make ludicrous sexual puns to try and get her into bed. Of course! She'll definitely love that.
Shame the reply is a succinct "God, Larry, you're pathetic". Ah well, plenty more fish in the sea... Eh? Eh? Oh.
I guess for all the money and success I've had as an orgy planner, "I'm really just a good ol' boy at heart." (Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Lauda)
*Facepalm*
"It has a lot to do with the, uh, toxins... that can be trapped in your breasts, thanks to your bra! Now, it's very scientific, I don't want to go into the details. Your best bet is to take it off. Get some physical activity."
Please stop...
"@!#?@!" (Q-bert)
Q-bert! You dirty, dirty bastard! Say that again and you'll get a slap!
And yes, I only just got around to watching Wreck-It Ralph. Q-bert isn't going to get another moment in the spotlight for another 30 years so may as well make the most of it.
Care to share your favourite line?
Obviously you and I are too well-adjusted to ever use a pick-up line in real life. But maybe you heard one in a game that made you chuckle? Let us know in the comments. Either that or just share your game-related pickup lines. That's always good for a laugh.
And if you're looking for more, check out the Week of Love 2013 and Video game couples who aren't together, but really should be.
