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Cortez
From: Timesplitters series
Underneath the hulking exterior, however, beats the heart of a cheerfully uncool oaf who routinely does things other action heroes wouldn’t dare attempt – like repulsing people with lame one-liners, or accidentally giving the villain the idea for his own evil plan.
Of course, it’s Cortez’s intrinsic lameness that makes him so memorable. If his allies had any response to his quips of “Time to split!” other than a vaguely befuddled sneer, the games would have been that much less charming.
Grunt, Stripe and Keel
From: Quake III
If Cortez is the rare exception to the laws of Bald Space Marines, then Grunt, Stripe and Keel are their apotheosis. Inhabiting a game in which absolutely nobody has any recognizable personality whatsoever, these three hulking badasses fit right in.
The polished domes, the bare arms, the chunky power armor that suggests a high level of endurance and an inability to scratch any itch– these are the hallmarks of the Bald Space Marine, and Grunt and Stripe (and to a lesser degree, Keel) embody them perfectly.
Of course, that also means they’re bland as hell and were almost immediately forgotten by anyone who wasn’t an ardent Quake III player. Not even Grunt’s colorful disguises could save them from that.
Minh Young Kim
From: Gears of War
Marcus Fenix isn’t really fooling anyone with that bandanna, but until we see him take it off, we don’t have any proof that he’s actually bald underneath it. Luckily, his commander in the first Gears of War bravely stepped up to fill in the baldness quotient for him.
Unfortunately for Minh, Gears creator Cliffy B doesn’t think much of bald space marines. That may have something to do with why Minh ended the game’s first act being gutted by Locust general RAAM.
Col. Aaron Maverick
From: Dark Rift
Bald space marines aren’t generally much to look at, which is probably why most of them are confined to the off-camera gruntwork in first-person shooters. Every so often, however, they’ll creep into other genres, and one early example comes from widely panned N64 fighting game Dark Rift.
According to his in-game bio, Aaron Maverick was sent off by “Earth’s dwindling militia” to recover the “Core Prime Element,” which apparently could fix the state of disrepair that Earth found itself in in Dark Rift’s dystopian future of endless 3D planes and static backgrounds. In practice, though, he was just another middle-of-the-road fighter with a weird gun (the giant bayonet actually saw more action than its bullets), the ability to toss grenades and one of the most misshapen heads we’ve ever seen.
Above: Seriously
Roy Lawrence
From: Fracture
We were originally going to use this entry to pick on protagonist Jet Brody, whose relentlessly generic appearance, demeanor and general existence completely overshadowed Fracture’s somewhat innovative, ground-deforming gameplay hook.
However, playing for even five minutes reveals someone even balder: Brody’s commanding officer, Col. Roy Lawrence. While Brody settles for simply shaving off all his hair, Lawrence took his dedication to the look far enough to actually develop male pattern baldness.
Above: Now that’s commitment
Lawrence’s world-weary, professional attitude is also just a little bit more compelling than Brody’s stock-hothead routine, so chalk this one up as a rare win for both hairlessness and personality.
Gregor Hakha
From: Killzone
As much as Sgt. Rico Velazquez typifies the Bald Space Marine experience, what with his buzzcut, angry demeanor and general assholery, there’s one hero in the original Killzone who’s much, much balder. We’re talking, of course, about Gregor Hakha, the half-Helghast defector who hasn’t been playable since the PS2 and the phrase “Halo-killer” were huge and relevant.
It’s worth noting at this point that the Helghast are basically an entire race of bald space marines, as evidenced by the fact that few seem to have hair, even when we manage to knock their helmets off. As one of the few Helghasts who don’t wear gasmasks 24-7, however, Hakha’s one of the few to really advertise his baldness to the world. And hey, he’s a good guy, so that’s automatically more space-mariney than his fascist former brethren. That he’s a relatively calm, clever counterweight to Rico’s stoic-with-fits-of-rage presence doesn’t hurt, either.
