Vampire Survivors shares a ton of updates for 2025, but they're practically indecipherable on a sinfully cryptic roadmap: "Good luck working out what's next"

Vampire Survivors developer Poncle just shared a roadmap for the goth roguelike's next few content updates, but they're as hard to understand as eternal life. Or Dracula's hairline. 

"Vampire Survivors isn't over," Poncle writes on Twitter about the 2022 game. "We have more content on the horizon. Here's our highly cryptic, chaos roadmap update; good luck working out what's next." 

The luck is appreciated — Poncle's roadmap kind of looks like a jar of blobby jam. Rotating circles, held together by garlic placed in their shared center, spin tiny assets around on a confusing carousel. But, from what I can see, there will be at least two more updates by the end of 2024, Pyroclasm and West Woods, which sounds like it could be a new stage. 

Larger updates 1.9 through 1.12 appear to be confined to 2025. 1.9 apparently impacts Space 54, Vampire Survivors' interplanetary bonus stage. 1.10 possibly toys with both the industrial Laboratory and the Operation Guns DLC, which adds all kinds of bombs and explosives inspired by Konami's testosterone-powered run-and-gun game Contra. 

Then, 1.11 is dedicated to the relic Darkasso, which permanently allows you to collect more Arcanas, and 1.12 potentially alters Vampire Survivors' ghoulish Ode to Castlevania DLC. 

New content seems to be surreptitiously sprinkled in around all these shadowy updates, though their names don't reveal much: "Final Flight," "House," "The Coop," and "Mazerella," which I have to assume isn't a mozzarella typo. The important thing is, whatever's in store for Vampire Survivors, it's sure to be spooky. 

After 3 years and over 30 updates, Vampire Survivors finally has vampires - and even Baldur's Gate 3's Astarion actor is here as Dracula.