E3 08: Top 10 Toilets of E3

Public Restroom

This low-flo model is total bullshit. It lacks the processing power of nearly every refuse console on the market, and in terms of audio you’re denied the heavenly ordained, satisfying splash of a job well done. Also as a result, this cumbersome bowl arranges your chocolate polygons in the most awkward of positions. Certain things should never reach for the sky, especially when the “sky” in question is your own hinder.

Wilshire Grand Room #1037

One of the many illusions found in this hotel operating under the façade of “classy,” is the absence of a legitimate toilet tank. Not only does it provide the look like a polished prison cell, it’s also damned confusing. The low lying bowl had more than one of the GR team disoriented, no thanks to the Bop-It style button flusher.

But we are happy to report, after many “exclusive” demos (we hope), this tiny terlet handled just about anything we could throw at it.

Kodak Theatre - Nintendo Press Conference

Now this is the shit of Legend! This elegant throne is housed in the very theater the Oscars are hosted in, which hints at a celebrity cast we’d dare to call even more impressive than the voice talent in Saints Row. Oh, we went there!

Featured fannies include Jack Nicholson, George Clooney, and Paul Giamatti! Potentially... Seriously, if you have the means, you owe it to yourself to get a hands-on. Even if nature isn’t calling, simply touch it to feel the power of celebrity soak into your pores.

City Grill

The classic black and white motif immediately reminded us of our recent session with Mad World. Bursting with ‘50s flavor, we almost wanted it to experience slowdown so Fonzy would run in and kick back to working order. This relic of a forgotten age was so damned dignified it broke our hearts to have to take a dump in it. No, you don’t have to applaud our professionalism - it’s our job.

Saddle Ranch Chop House - Bethesda party

There’s comfort in familiarity. The wide rim is ergonomic enough for even the most slovenly breed of gamer, and the low cut bowel offers superb depth of field, while cradling the leavings like an angelic masseur. A class act all the way.

That’s it, you lucky readers. Goodnight and light a match!

Jul 17, 2008