We've given you some time to play through Resident Evil Revelations so as not to spoil anything for you. Sure, we asked what the HELL is going on with Jessica's sexy leg and allowed you to watch the cheesiest moments from Resident Evil Revelations but we've held off on the biggest, most incredulous question until now. So, consider yourself alerted to SPOILERS.
Still here? Good. Here's the thing. There are two separate instances where characters appear to die. In fact, there's very little ambiguity. The first one we'll look at is Parker:
Above: Sadly too heavy to hoist back up, it's curtains for porky Parker... OR IS IT?
That there is what's known in the trade as a death scene. A tear jerker. A gallows humour-tapping, tears-in-rain kind of a death scene. And let's make this absolutely clear - that is a blazing inferno that Parker falls into. I remember thinking at the time 'I wonder why we can't hear him screaming'. Turns out there's a very good reason for it:
Above: Hey! He's OK!
I know, amazing, isn't it? That raging inferno was so hot, everything to do with it rose up from the floor. You know, heat rises, right? Well this was so hot, it rose up and left the floor underneath it as cool as a cool spring morning. And because of the 'spring' in 'spring morning', it was bouncy too, like a spring, meaning he didn't even sustain any injuries - not even one that aggravated the gunshot wound he had already suffered. Marvelous what science can do, isn't it?
Which is, of course, absolute nonsense. And besides, if by some miracle he did fall 'through' the fire and survived at the bottom... why didn't he shout up? "Guys - I'm OK!" would have done it. But no, instead he stumbles around for a bit in total silence until being rescued (by another character previously thought dead). As if that weren't unlikely enough, he was then wrecked again and washed up on a distant shore somewhere. Look:
But despite getting shot, falling into an inferno, hitting the ground, getting blown up in the ship's demise AND having salt water wash his gunshot wound for hours, after spending a WHOLE MONTH in medical care, he's back on the job. But, in fairness, he clearly suffered a terrible handicap as a result of his ordeal:
Above: Poor Parker. After the incident, he completely forgot how to read. But he could remember how to write, which is why he went on to invent Parker pens
What a load of tosh. But don't think Resi Revelations is fine aside from that. It only goes and does the whole thing again - only this time with TWO people surviving and even GREATER peril. What's greater than a blazing inferno? A blazing inferno caused by bombs, with a white-out. Hit page 2 for an even more absurd event: