Choose your poison
No matter who you are, its that time of the year. Still in college? Finals are over and its time to let off steam! In the workforce? Get ready for an eternity of company happy hours! Stay at home mom? Be prepared to host literally any and all family members for the entire duration of the holiday season! And in any of those circumstances, whats the best way to pass the time? Well with time-dilating, alcohol induced, misadventures!
Weve already jokingly represented video games and consoles as mixed drinks, but this time Im holding a little information session. Its time to celebrate some of the best games of 2013 by transforming them into some of the best tasting drinks youve ever witnessed. Take notes, because this will be a masterclass in drink making. (as long as you're legally old enough, or whatever I need to write so no one gets sued because of this).
The Last of Us
Light-dark, good-evil, right-wrong, everything in this world exists in opposition to something. Joel and Ellie are just another example of this, and that duality is represented in the flavors of this beverage. The harsh burn of cognac mellowed by the sweet notes of orange juice, all blended together by the creme de noyaux, its truly a metaphor in your mouth. Also the classic name for this drink is "Around the World," which works perfectly given the nomadic nature of The Last of Us. As you sip this potent cocktail, guiding Joel and Ellie through their journey, youll be reminded of the transient nature of us all.
Flavors reminiscent of Americas golden heyday, The Columbia will please the tastebuds with imperialistic fervor. Step aside rascals and scoundrels, this is a drink for the everyman. Great for the kids too; just take out the golden rum and youve got yourself a sweet boardwalk treat. But for the adults out there, that spicy note of the rum will be all it takes to tip you over the edge to Rapture.
Metro: Last Light
Not your everyday kahlua and cream, the Dark and Foreboding adds another layer of demise to your drinking experience. As the light fades in the game and the terror seeps in, the sambuca too will ignite your bowels. As the night grows deep, the Kahlua will serve to keep you up and wired for the survival that awaits you. As the...actually theres no reason for the black licorice straw other than its possible and therefore should happen. Consume and be afraid of what lurks at the bottom of your cup and behind that next corner.
Super Mario 3D World's Mario
Whats better than gathering four friends for a potentially destructively good time? Reducing everyones inhibitions while participating in that destructively good time! Thats why weve mixed together four different drinks for the four main characters of Super Mario 3D World. Grab a character, grab a drink, and become one with them.
First up is the main man, Mario. Grenadine was an obvious choice. So was the sour mix, because for everyone whos not Mario, theres that acidic feeling of jealousy just underneath the surface. For thematic success have Luigi pour the sour mix in while Mario makes out with Peach.
Super Mario 3D World's Luigi
Next up is is the tragic and eternal support character Luigi. A simple cocktail of sugar syrup, ginger ale, and of course the whipped cream vodka: the person playing Luigi will have a calming and delicious time standing on the outskirts of the limelight. The squeeze of lime juice adds just enough bite to make this drink something special.
Super Mario 3D World's Peach
As tasty as Peach is beautiful, this deviation of the classic peaches and cream will be sure to delight the palette of a princess. Dont worry if you see Peachs player floating off into oblivion, theyre probably just enjoying the sweet nectar that is the combo of peach schnapps and puree lifted up by the whipped cream vodka. But even Peach can crack the whip when she wants, and the addition of the sweet and sour liquor will make sure no one forgets it.
Super Mario 3D World's Toad
Last but not least, we have Toad. A bubbly transfusion of all the zippy citrus you can think of, Toads drink will keep you running as fast as the little guy can. For added delight, plop in a scoop of orange or lemon sherbert to make it a tropical float of dreams.
Napalm sticks to the kid is the actual original name of this drink, and I couldnt think of a better--and more intensely disturbing--name for this military cocktail so it stuck. With origins stemming from military running cadences of the 70s, this cocktail shows us just what standards soldiers were setting for their alcoholic intake. The original recipe called for Absinth instead of Aftershock, but since Absinth was illegal in the US for quite some time (not anymore!), the latter was substituted in. So if you feel like being a hard ass and vicariously living the lives of the character you're controlling, mix all that together, throw a dash of tabasco sauce in, stir with the beef jerky, and let er rip.
Assassin's Creed 4
Original name of this drink: Shave and a Haircut. How manly does that sound? When all you have left on the high seas is cheap liquor and stout, you might as well combine them to equal something worse than the sum of its parts. Any variation of rum and beer is technically considered a type of grog, but this recipe takes it further by forcing the sharp flavor of spiced rum in with the heavy hand of the stout. So when Edward and his crew are sailing around, being all pirate-y, singing their songs, you can join in with your Jackdaw and wail like the best of them.
Fire Emblem: Awakening
A simple burst of fire for the belly, The Emblem will ignite your passion as youre burning through this amazing handheld game. Remember those times when you were little, and you mixed every flavor from the soda fountain into one deranged cocktail? Whether you called it Suicide or mixing poison, everyone has done it at least once. This drinks flavor hearkens back to those times. One sip and youll be transported to a cinnamon-y and cherry induced past when you were playing the original Fire Emblem for the GBA. Hopefully you werent drunk back then, but hey, who am I to judge? Im literally creating a list of alcoholic drinks for no reason as all.
Smoke Signal is right, because this game is rife with those hmmmmmmmm, this smells funny moments. One of the most famous drinks of the Portland Area (important because thats where Gone Home and its developer, The Fullbright Company, reside), one taste and youll understand everything you need to know about that culture. Also Gone Home will make 10x more sense to you. Dont know how to make Smoke infused ice cubes? No worries, this tutorial will help you out.
Ah, the classic mojito, how perfect a drink are you. The fizz of the club soda. The bite of the mint leaves. The burning of the oh my god 3 oz white rum? Well this drink is supposed to be a portal to the other side, so may as well get there faster. Might I suggest adding more sugar than the recipe calls for, as well as rimming the edge of your glass with some more sugar: nothing makes a mojito better than massive amounts of sweetness to cut the alcoholic flavor of rum.
Pokemon X / Y
The ten year old inside of you is going out to capture LITERALLY EVERY POKEMON IN EXISTENCE. You need ENERGY! You need POWER! You need JUICE because youre still a child and that sounds tasty to you! Half of these ingredients might sound familiar, since they compose the classic cocktail Sex on a Beach. Add the Amp and you have what might be my favorite name for a cocktail ever: Sex on a beach with a dead German rockstar. Perfection.
But why is the rum gone?
Feeling thirsty now? Feeling ready to get some friends together--or sit alone--and have a crazy time!? Do me a favor, test out some of these recipes and let me know how they taste. And better yet, tell me how much of a good time you had while playing these amazing games and drinking these tentatively amazing drinks. Have a concoction that youd like the share? Let me know in the comments below!