Battle Royale: Hollywood Icons vs. Modern Celebs

In the modern age, exhibitionism is favoured over substance, and anybody can get famous just by flaunting their soft bits or talking over a beat.

Which makes us wonder, how would today's homepage stars fare against the front page legends of yesteryear?

We don’t think we’ve ever met anyone who doesn’t like Marilyn Monroe.

And even if such a Monroe-hater does exist, we’re pretty sure that the lady herself, given the chance to ‘turn’ them, would have absolutely relished the challenge.

Though she was, reputedly, a nightmare to work with (she was terribly tardy and often drunk on-set), we’d’ve excused her anything: tardiness; drunkenness; gruesome, axe-wielding murderous rampages. Anything .

Boozy Rating: 10

Booby Rating: 10

Publicity Hog Rating: 8

Meets her match with…

Lindsay Lohan

Everyone’s favourite straight/gay goody-goody/criminal redhead/blonde/brunette skinny/not skinny freckle-face Lindsay Lohan used to be such a mild creature.

Her nose-dive into naughtiness and scandal did wonders for her profile.

A few run-ins with the police, a lesbian relationship and a few bust-ups with fellow celebs later and boom! She’s hot Hollywood property.

Boozy Rating: 10

Booby Rating: 10

Publicity Hog Rating: 15

THE FIGHT

Monroe and Lohan are in the back of a limo, en route to a swanky party.

A fight breaks out.

The girls tussle for a while, grabbing each others’ hair and earrings and things.

Legs and boobs flail about a bit as they wrestle each other to the ground.

Monroe tries to knock Lohan out with the ladylike hip-flask stashed in her stocking.

Un-ladylike Lohan produces a half-necked litre bottle of vodka.

She smashes it over Monroe’s head. Monroe’s a goner.

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James Dean

Perhaps the most appealing thing about James Dean (apart from his impossibly handsome face) was his attitude.

He always looked as if he couldn’t have given a smaller fig about what was going on around him.

He was best known for his nonconformist ways. The rap-scallion stole our hearts as troubled, misunderstood Jim Stark in Rebel Without A Cause (1955).

What a man. What a pout.

Ruler-Straight Jaw Factor: 8

Looks Good In Leather? 10

Hair Height: 6

Out-rebels…

Robert Pattinson

Robert Pattinson conquered our screens (and dare we say it – our hearts) with his role as vampire Edward Cullen in 2008’s Twilight .

In the month following Twilight ’s release, a stiff-neck epidemic sprung up among virgins across the globe. They’d been sleeping with their windows wide open and their heads angled for maximum throat exposure.

Dream on, ladies…

Ruler-Straight Jaw Factor: 8

Looks Good In Leather? 6

Hair Height: 9 (inches, that is)

THE FIGHT

Dean pulls up on his motorbike, revs the engine a bit and flicks his cigarette at Pattinson.

Pattinson gets pretty riled up and aims for a cat-like pounce onto Dean’s neck...

...Except he remembers that he’s actually a human with regular speed and agility stats. And regular teeth.

He lands just short of Dean and smacks his head on a wing mirror, then rolls around in pain for a while, as Dean rides off, victorious.

Gutted, Rob.

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Louise Brooks

THE FIGHT

Hilton prances around in pink lingerie, throwing various missiles (stilettos, Louis Vuitton handbags, Chihuahuas) at the demure and disinterested Brooks.

Brooks gets annoyed and catches her off guard with a big wet snog.

Hilton The Fraud cries and runs away. Unfortunately, she’s still alive. Pointlessly.

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Elvis Presley

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Audrey Hepburn

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Grace Kelly

In her role as Georgiana, Duchess of Devonshire in The Duchess (2008), Keira learned all the airs and graces of the nobility.

It was all pretend, of course - Kelly'll always have the edge there. But Keira did suit the part. Perhaps it's because she's so terribly plummy.

Posh Factor: 10

Screen Queen-to-Actual-Royalty Rating: 0

Peaches And Cream Factor: 10

THE FIGHT

The two royal lovelies lock tiaras and engage in a deer-buck style rut.

It turns out that the diamonds on Grace Kelly’s tiara are just that little bit bigger than those on Georgiana/Knightley’s. Plus, Georgiana's hair just acts like a giant pillow, biffing Kelly in the face.

Unhindered by pillowy hair, one of the prongs on Kelly's tiara pokes Georgiana/Knightley in the eye and she bows out, leaving Kelly victorious.

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Brigitte Bardot

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Fred Astaire

Old twinkle-toed Fred Astaire represents a sunnier, milder side of cinema. One where no problem couldn't be solved with a little dance, and women were wooed by men in tail-coats and tap-shoes.

He was a bloody good dancer, too.

Playful Innocence: 9

Dancefloor skilz: 10

Dapper Get-Up: 10. That's one natty suit.

Is challenged to a dance-off by...

Zac Efron

When High School Musical made its way to the big screen, young Zac was already a sensational star, attracting admirers from across the globe.

In his fresh, blushing boyhood he was charming, though as he's grown older he's actually become properly sexy (or so we've been told).

And he's not without talent. He's pretty good on stage, and he's got some killer moves up his sleeve...

Playful Innocence: 10

Dancefloor Skilz: 8

Dapper Get-Up: 6

THE FIGHT

It's a dance-off, Run-DMC style.

In Efron's corner, his team cheer him on as he does his little street-break-dance helicopter thing with his legs on the floor.

It's impressive, but it ain't cuttin' no mustard with Astaire.

Sharp as a thistle, Fred slides in and wows the crowd with his lightning-quick tapping. He's in a different league to poor old Zac.

Just to add insult to injury, he trips Efron up on the way out, using his crafty cane. Naughty Fred!

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Elizabeth Taylor

Megan Fox is (quite successfully) burrowing her way into the film industry.

She's doing this mainly by showing off various body parts. She does this as often as she can.

Funnily enough, she is often type-cast as "the sexy one", though she doesn't seem to have a problem with this. May her career be long and fruitful.

High-Profile Relationships: 3 (she's young yet. We'll see.)

Brunette Bombshell Factor: 10

Attention-Seeking Factor: Oh God, ten.

THE FIGHT

Liz and Megan's tussle involves a lot of hair-pulling. They have a lot of hair between them.

Megan has a hard time keeping her clothes on, too. Sure, Megan. They just "fell off".

Her shameless display really gets Liz's goat. Taylor comes at Megan with a mean left hook, which knocks her flat out.

It turns out Elizabeth has kept all her wedding rings, forming a formidable metal claw where there once was a left ring-finger. Ouch.

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Marlon Brando

OK, so he’s successful, but not in every venture. His brief dabble in the world of film wasn't the most inspired move - a bit-part in Scary Movie 3 hardly made many waves. Still, he's currently planning on moving into movie production. Be afraid. Very.

He's just a guy who made a few good decisions somewhere along the line and got stonking rich.

It seems as if he’s very good at making money out of other peoples’ talent, and doesn’t actually harbour a drop of it himself.

Brooding Beauty: 0 (No, mum. He is not a dish.)

Moody Milly: 10

Is He Actually Just A Prick? Why, yes! Yes, he is.

THE FIGHT

Cowell is casting a film. Brando auditions.

Cowell tells Brando, “that was abominable. You are sub-human. Get off my stage.”

Brando gets off the stage and kicks Cowell right in the middle of his bum-chin.

Everyone in the world applauds.

Cowell leaves the casting auditions, crying. In a frenzy of self-pity and indulgence, he goes to a casino and experiences sensational losses. He loses everything and has to relocate to a caravan in Basingstoke.

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