What if... video game characters wrote songs?

Here in the UK, there's one thing that happens in summer. No, not Wimbledon. OK, two things. No, not incessant rain. OK, look, I'm talking about Glastonbury Festival. Imagine Woodstock, but even more of a washout. The kind of experience where rubber boots are essential, and there's no point even bringing a bar of soap, because everyone stinks for the duration and that's accepted as normal.

But the reason Brits put themselves through such atrocious conditions is simple: wonderful, live music. Which got me to wondering what it would be like if video game characters wrote songs. Turns out they totally do. Some perform, others keep them secret. But I've found lyric sheets for them all. You won't believe some of these...

Apeman

They think theyre so flippin' clever cos they always endeavour to make jokes all about me, man
And I may be slightly oval but when they stand there and ogle and they call me hurtful names, again
So I'm not stupid, I've already concluded that a change now is needed, man
'Cos compared to the robots and their furry batteries

I am an Eggman

They say if you cant beat em and youve already eaten all the steak and kidney pies, man
Then why not just join em cos its bound to annoy em, take away their ammunit-i-on

I dont wanna be Doc Robotnik no more
Deedpolls the way cos Im totally sure
I wanna change my name in the eyes of the law
Cos I am an Eggman

Im an Eggman, Im an Egg Eggman, yes Im an Eggman
Im a great big man, Im an egghead man, yes Im an Eggman
I dont want to be teased and hurt no more If a name dont fit then what is it for?
Im gonna change it now cos Im totally sure
I am an Eggman

La-la la la la la-la

(spoken) Sonic is so-called because he is faster than a sonic wave of particles in the air
And Miles Prower is a pun which is clever and Tails is an apt nickname for a freak of nature

Amy is a girl and thats totally fine
Knuckles has big knuckles so I'm not gonna whine
Cream is a rabbit, name and colour align
And I am an Eggman

Im an Eggman, Im an Egg-Eggman, yes Im an Eggman
Im a round man, very ovoid man, yes Im an Eggman
Cos compared to the robots that do all my deeds
Compared to the rings and the polygon trees
Compared to the Choppers and the Jaws in the sea
I am an Eggman

La-la la la la la-la

I cant be mislabelled in this world no more
Theres no point in fighting when the world is so sure
And nobody really cares except for the core
So I am an Eggman

I call my cousin for to go out
Until the darts place throw us out
Live American dream so big
See American teetees also big

(Chorus song)
Lets call up a yellow car
It can drive us very far
Bar or strip club you decide
In yellow car well safely ride

But when is time up for to leave
Romans cab no need to thieve
Get in Roman, you can drive
Let us keep the dream alive

Even though I have much drink
I say Romans driving stink
Get out cousin, let me drive
Dont shout, that man is still alive

(Chorus)

(Middle of 8)
What was bump under our wheels?
Why does steering heavy feels?
Get out Roman, check for persons
I fear our problems badly worsen

Cousin, dont you fear
I have good idea

Lets call up a yellow car
Its man will hit less other car
Teetees for Roman and Niko too
Yellow car lets ride in you

Come back, yellow car
Why are you such wavy car
And why is the ground
so big and all around
And why does nose bleed so bad?

Pika pii pika chu / Pika pii-ii-ka-chu
Pika pii pika pii / Pika pii-ii-ka-chuu
Pii-ii-ka-piii / Pika Pikachu
Pii-ii-ka-piii / Pika Pikachu
Pikachu
Pika Pikachu pii-ka-pii

Ka-chu Pikachu-u Pii-ii-ka pii
Pika pikachu-u pii-ii-ka pii
Chu-u-u-u

Pika Pika
Pika-Pikachu
Ka-Chu
Pika Pika Pii-chu
Pika Pika
Pika Pikachu
Ka-chu
Pika Pika Pika

Chuuu! Pika Pika pi-chu
Kaaa! Pika Pika Pii-chu
Ka-chu
Pika Pika Pikachu

(Note: Even the most amateur music critics would point out that even though the song is atonally delivered and lacks even basic musical subtlety, it appears Pikachu has simply ripped off Abba's Mama Mia. What a f***ing disgrace.)

You blow me away
You blow me away
Like a shotgun to the face

I want to get inside your head pretty lady
I wanna get you in my death bed
I wanna sweet talk you with death threats, baby
Although I technically said

uuuuuuuUUUUUURRRRG

Chorus:
Im so itchy
And youre so tasty
Urg Arg, Urg Arg
Im so itchy
And youre so tasty
Urg Arg Urrrrrg

They say Im easily bled
But my hearts an open wound
Its like you twist a knife in it
When you twist a knife in it

I hope you like love bites
I hope you dont mind lifeless nights
You and me are from different worlds
All I want is to eat you, girl

(Chorus)

(Death rattle solo)

I like a girl with brains
I like to chase em round trains

We are the perfect team
Best buds or so it seems
Saving the day
and racing away
Fistbumps cant sate my dreams

When we first met
And you called me little guy
I cannot forget, with instant regret,
All I said back was hi

I should have corrected you then
A girl shouldn't pretend...

Sonic and Tails
Its got a ring to it
Love never fails
Alone I can sing about it
When you run by
And I catch your eye
Oh I could fly with you
My heart is blue

I'd rather be one of the guys
I'm happy to tag along (tag along)
'Cos after surprise, the truth after lies
I know you'd leave me at home

That day on Green Hill
Thats where I am still
Chasing you, laughing
And then we go karting

Sonic and Tails
Its got a ring to it
Love never fails
Alone I can sing about it
When you run by
And I catch your eye
Oh I could fly with you
My hearts so blue (repeat x3)

(To the tune of the Overworld Theme)

Ma-ri-o
Is king of the world
Everyone must love and adore him
Lu-i-gi
Is slidey and dim
No-one really wants to play as him

Stomp on all the heads you see, all of them
Squish their brains to jam (into jam!)
That is how king Mario goes, because-a
He's the king

Breaking things and stamping on things everywhere
Nothing's safe from him (safe from him!)
Come on now, get out of the way like right now
Or you die

Knock back mushrooms and magical stars
Smash up all of the stage
That is how the king Mario goes
Better run while you can hey!

Ma-ri-o
Is going to find
The princess and eat up all the cake
Prin-cess Peach
Will have to declare
love for him 'cos that is the new law

(outro, slow)
Mario, Mario, worship him!

I guess Snake isn't really cut out for being a lyricist.

You could be my Romeo
And I could be your Juliet
Thats my name already-o,
So were halfway thruliet

Nicky is ahead in life
Jules is gonna be his wife
Cheering on the football team
Stop, he's not the ball, that's mean

Woooo! (repeat x 4)

Yeah! (repeat x 16)

A guy don't need no feet or toes,
Just sugar lips and pixie nose,
Do I want kids? I don't suppose...
As long as I have Nicky

(pause)

Hey Nicky,
Dont feel sicky
Im not picky
You're 1ft tall, but not too small
For a hicky

Red and blue and yellow too
Help me pick again for you
In fact Id gladly buy them all
To make you stay within the mall

I feel it in every nerve of my body
Every pore, every finger tip
Except that one, obviously
That ones numb a bit

Oh! Its 30 for a reason
At 30 most children survive
Oh! Its 30 for a reason
If I hadnt jumped on you, youd be alive

In my dreams
Im still pressing X to Jason
Eternally
Pressing X to Jason (and sometimes Shaun)

These days Im such a moody git
I simply cant get over it
Nor can I forgive myself
For crushing you under my massive weight

Oh! Its 30 for a reason
At 30 most children survive
Oh! Its 30 for a reason
If I hadnt jumped on you, youd be alive

WHYYYYYYYYYY
Jason, Jason
X, X, X, X, X,
Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason.

Jason.

How did you get across that road?
And how did you not realise you had crossed the road?
And why did you run across the road
When I told you not to?

I don't blame myself entirely
We taught you to cross carefully
Yet now its pointless pressing X
All it does now is select.

There isn't really a question I can ask here. Normally, I'd say something like 'but who did I forget?' or 'who built the pyramids?' or something like that. But I can't really ask you to write a song in the comments based on a video game character's emotional issues. But if you want to have a go, then nobody's going to stop you. Otherwise, feel free to say that it didn't rhyme consistently or Officer Barbrady couldn't have built the pyramids because he isn't thousands of years old. That's also fine.

And if you're looking for more, check out Video game characters' Valentine's Day Cards to each other and Video game characters' criminal records.