Gamer confessions anonymous - Mayan Apocalypse edition

So at this point, should the ancient Mayan civilization prove prescient, we're all basically screwed. Assurances from NASA be damned, there's definitely going to be an asteroid that collides with Earth, or a portal to (Mayan?) Hell will be opening up imminently, or the number 42 will start start making some sense, or... look, there are a lot of ways this could go down. Point is, the moment is nigh.

All that being the case, we here at GamesRadar have a few things we'd like--nay, need--to get off our chests before the fated hour wipes all life away. Gaming confessions we vowed to take to the grave, your time has come. And just in case this whole Mayan calendar thing turns out to be the next Y2K, we're going to go ahead and keep these absolutely true confessions completely anonymous.

As far as my mother's concerned, the hole in my bedroom wall is just one freak, studious mishap. I tripped, fell, and a corner of one of my textbooks drove right through the wall. In reality... hunting cyclopes in Rathe Mountains was no joke for a young Gnome wizard in 1999. That goes especially so when said wizard is attempting to punch above his weight class, having just learned Bonds of Force and looking to kite a one-eyed fool. And that goes doubly so back in those early days of EverQuest, when everything was just absolutely broken to all hell.

So there I was, level 27, attempting to snare and zap towering level 29-32 giants with a spell that would randomly stop working. I'd kill three and die once, which would negate and then some everything I'd just gained. Like a gambler I kept at it, throwing good xp after bad, until, ultimately, I de-leveled to 26. At which point, overcome with rage, I punched a hole in my bedroom wall. Oops.

I once cried in a shower because of a bad Diablo II trade. I thought I was getting a Buriza-Do Kyanon (AKA burrito cannon) but the person I was trading with swapped it with a crappy, cheap unique weapon that looked similar. It wasn't. After I saw what happened, I cried in a shower.

Theres a 7-year gap in my gaming history (life?) because I spent an absurd amount of time in front of a computer MUDing. Not quite sure what that is? Think of Everquest, or any MMO out there, but without graphics. All text, all typing, ALL THE TIME. Thanks to this horrible addiction, I spent very little time with the N64 and the original PlayStation and missed out on several games that I probably should have played.

Instead, I logged thousands of hours of my life with this game, and Im not even quite sure now why I enjoyed it so much. I even got a few of my friends hooked, and were all in agreement that it was a massive waste of time. Eventually we all quit, but it wasnt easy. Its like Im talking about drugs or something.

I used to be a hardcore raider in World of Warcraft. Like, way hardcore. As in guild / raid leader hardcore. It was bad news. ANYWAYS. I've played since vanilla and raided in almost every expansion--except for The Burning Crusade, where I took a year-long hiatus. But before I did so, I gave my account to a fellow guildmate who wanted to play my Warlock. He continued to raid with it during my break, and had it decked out in some of the best gear at the time.

Meanwhile, my bank account was really hurting. I was damn near broke. So I did what any sane person would do: I called Blizzard, told the customer service rep that my account had been hacked, took it back from my ex-guildmate, and sold his (er, my) super geared Lock on eBay for $350. Easiest money I've ever made.

As a youth, I didnt have the money--or the self-control--to own a video game console until I was 10. My friends, however, had parents that lavished them with Game Boys, Super Nintendos, and N64s aplenty. One of my closest friends had an N64, and wed happily take turns playing games like San Francisco Rush and Wave Race. But sometimes, a fervent yearning to keep on playing would well up inside me. A need to grip the controller with two hands and never let go until it was time to leave.

These deep, dark feelings came to a head when my friend bought Mortal Kombat Trilogy on the N64. So intense was my need to master Sub-Zero and Noob Saibot that I refused to give up the controller, even after a loss. My selfishness was so bitterly vehement that it reduced my friend to tears, and he ran from the room to get comfort from his mother. Even as I heard him weeping from the end of the hall, I continued to stone-facedly play that stupid game. Jonathan, if youre reading this: Im so, so sorry for being a complete and utter dick to you that day.

Fighters Megamix had a secret card mode in it. To view it, you had to follow a ludicrously contrived set of instructions, after deleting your games saved data so that you could complete only certain courses in arcade mode and leave others blank. You also had to complete something like 1,500 moves in training mode. If you did all this and matched up two pictures correctly in this card minigame, you were presented with a CG rendered picture of Janet from Virtua Cop, sitting against a wall.

Do it again and shed be in the same pose, but in her underwear. A magazine at the time said Do it again and! which implied a naked Janet. At least thats the conclusion my teenage mind jumped to. But after all that palaver and finally completing the cycle for the third time it just went back to the fully dressed picture. Damn.

I have never owned a Super Nintendo Entertainment System. As the Nintendo fanboy that I am, it's shameful, but that shame runs even deeper. I did get to play every single one of the classic games on that system, just not through legal means--I pirated them.

The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past, Mega Man X, F-Zero, Super Mario World; I stole them all, and I'm not proud of it. I did eventually buy a lot of them on the Wii's Virtual Console. That makes up for it, right? Don't judge me.

I became painfully aware early in my life that my little brother could best me at pretty much any video game, and still can to this day. I dont like that fact, but I learned to live with it. I was less prepared for my mother to beat me, but when my family first acquired its NES, thats exactly what she did.

From the moment the system was switched on, the entire family was enchanted by it, but my mom was the one most committed to Super Mario Bros. While I struggled to finish 4-2, she was already flying past 8-3, on her way to beating Bowser. I felt deep shame at this, particularly when my school friends found out--thanks to my brother informing them. As time went on, my mom never adapted to polygons and 3D space, so I eventually surpassed her in most games. Yet to this day, she could probably save Princess Peach while I'm struggling with my first Lakitu.

So it's mid-January. I have a week off work. I've had a copy of Fallout 3 for months, but being the wise, conscientious soul that I am, I've decided to leave it in the wrapper until I have a bunch of free time. I've played Bethesda games before. I know their wily ways. I shall not make that mistake again. But tonight is the night.

I start at 9pm. After what feels like a few hours I look at the clock. Miracle of miracles, it's only 10:30. Have they done it? Have Bethesda finally perfected the formula for an RPG that actually gives you time back rather than taking it away? No. You see I then glance at the window and realize that it's the other 10:30. I've been going for 13 and a half hours and have not eaten, slept, pooped, or peed in that time. I'm suddenly very aware of all of those facts. So I do the obvious thing. I play until lunchtime and then go to bed. That pre-bed bathroom trip is a revelatory experience, I don't mind telling you.

So as you can see, a handful of us have rage issues. Some of us really can't be bothered with space-time. A few are probably sociopaths. Now you know, not that it matters. Because the apocalypse is a comin', most assuredly so. Anything you'd like to get off your chest before the end times arrive? Let us know in the comments.

And hey, just because the Earth is going away, it doesn't mean you might not also like to read about What would happen if the Pokemon rebelled? or The perfect video game team for halting the apocalypse.