The Flintstones (1994)
The Credit: A joke that started out quite subtle and amusing (replacing Universal Studios with "Univershell") quickly gets tired when we're told we're watching "A Steven SpielROCK production."
If It Was Madder: They'd force everybody to go prehistoric, so that John Goodman would have to be billed as John Mudman.
Brassed Off (1996)
The Credit: The film's composer, conductor, orchestrator and music producer: Trevor Jones is also rightly credited as "Person With Most Credits."
If It Was Madder: Ewan McGregor would take on extra jobs as a producer, a runner, a caterer and a best boy simply in order to steal Jones' title.
Star Wars Episode 2: Attack Of The Clones (2002)
The Credit: Michael Smith is credited as "Javva The Hutt." This isn't a joke; Smith actually runs a coffee bar of that name at Industrial Light & Magic.
If It Was Madder: If everyone applied this credits policy, Starbucks would be the most prolific name in moviemaking.
Caveman (1981)
The Credit: Embarrassment by proximity, as Richard Moll has to share his credit with unlikely stablemates.
"The Critters: Abominable Snowman .... Richard Moll / Tyrannosaurus Rex .... Himself / Big Horned Lizard .... Himself / Pterodactyl .... Herself / Howling Lizard .... Himself."
If It Was Madder: Moll would have been invited to do a cameo in Jurassic Park .
Dead Man Walking (1995)
The Credit: Tim Robbins pays back-handed compliment to Steenbeck by revealing that "This Film Was Edited On Old Fashioned Machines."
If It Was Madder: Robbins was inspired by The Usual Suspects ' editor John Ottman, who had wanted to add a credit to say that his film was "edited on a piece of shit Steenbeck."
Phantasm II (1988)
The Credit: The copyright notice gets meta as audiences learn that "violators will face severe civil and criminal penalties and the wrath of the Tall Man."
If It Was Madder: They'd make another sequel to Phantasm in which the Tall Man actually gets a job policing copyright infringement.
The Killer Elite (1975)
The Credit: It's hard to tell if this one is a joke or a pompous legal declaration.
"This film is a work of fiction. There is no company called Communications Integrity NOR ComTeg and the thought the C.I.A. might employ such an organization for any purpose is, of course, preposterous."
If It Was Madder: All of Sam Peckinpah's films would include something like this. "There is no Wild Bunch and the thought that General Mapache might employ such an organization for any purpose is, of course, preposterous."
Deuce Bigelow Male Gigolo (2000)
The Credit: In possibly the film's best joke, the American Humane Association is teased with the declaration that "Only one fish was harmed during the making of this film. But he feels better now."
If It Was Madder: We'd learn that the fish was harmed during one of Deuce's appointments. Now there's a mental image you're not going to get rid of for a while.
Curse of the Queerwolf (1988)
The Credit: Probably the sickest joke at the expense of the ubiquitous animal rights disclaimer, as we're told, "No dogs were harmed in the making of this film... We shot them all at the wrap party."
If It Was Madder: The producers would have to add a terse addendum under orders of the American Humane Association to confirm that they were joking.
The Battle Of The River Plate (1956)
The Credit: A possible reason why movies never used to credit everybody.
"There are hundreds of invisible people behind every film. Behind this one there are thousands. We would like to thank them collectively, for if we named them all there would be no room for the film."
If It Was Madder: All films would carry this disclaimer and the unions would go on strike.
Scarface (1932)
The Credit: In a far cry from the remake's ultra-violent bling, 1930s audiences were given this somewhat po-faced lecture:
"This picture is an indictment of gang rule in America and of the callous indifference of the government to this constantly increasing menace to our safety and our liberty. Every incident in this picture is the reproduction of an actual occurence, and the purpose of this picture is to demand of the government: "What are you going to do about it?". The government is your government. What are YOU going to do about it?"
If It Was Madder: It would go on. "Seriously, you can't just walk home and forget about what you've seen. Write a letter, pick up the phone, demonstrate outside your senator's office. Do something!"
The Informant! (2009)
The Credit: In homage to Airplane! the opening caption informs us that, "While this motion picture is based on real events, certain incidents and characters are composites, and dialog has been dramatized. So there."
If It Was Madder: On-screen captions throughout the movie to tell us explicitly where this untruths are.
Coming To America (1988)
The Credit: There's a long tradition of acknowledging fictional entities in credits, but possibly the subtlest shout-out is this film's thank you to the Zamundan film authority.
If It Was Madder: The Zamundans would later go on to help finance The Usual Suspects , Dodgeball and Inception .
Fatal Attraction (1987)
The Credit: Bizarre syntax, as the simple matter of acknowledging that Fatal Attraction was the writer's reworking of his own TV movie somehow unravelled into: "Screenplay by James Dearden, for the screenplay based on his earlier screenplay."
If It Was Madder: Why not go the whole hog and say, "The film, based on the film that was made and then had a new ending shot after test audiences didn't like the original ending."
The Naked Gun 2 1/2: The Smell of Fear (1991)
The Credit: The answer to that question you'd always wanted to know. "What the Hell is a Grip? ... Person responsible for maintenance and adjustment to equipment on the set."
If It Was Madder: A full-blown job spec detailing a grip's key responsibilities and sample day-in-the-life.
Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult (1994)
The Credit: Never mind who did the film's make-up, somebody's wasting their car battery!
YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE: WILL THE OWNER OF A BLUE HONDA ACCORD, LIC.# Z2W435, PLEASE REPORT TO THE PARKING LOT. YOUR LIGHTS ARE ON. THANK YOU.
If It Was Madder: By chance, that exact combo of car and registration belongs to an audience member somewhere in Idaho, last seen legging it from the cinema.
Ocean's 11 (2001)
The Credit: How do you make your biggest star stand out in a cast full of stars? Steven Soderbergh takes things back to basics by "introducing Julia Roberts as Tess."
If It Was Madder: The sequel would feature a subplot in which Tess has to impersonate Julia Roberts. But that would be silly.
Moonraker (1979)
The Credit: Apparently, this 007 movie was filmed at "Pinewood Studios (London) and on location in Italy, Brazil, Guatemala, U.S.A. and Outer Space!" Sure, Cubby Broccoli, we believe you.
If It Was Madder: All Bond movies would be like this - "Filmed on location in Blofeld's volcano lair, just because we blew it up."
Clerks (1994)
The Credit: The familiar cry of a thousand zero-budget, made-on-the-hoof indie films, as "Initial Incompetent Sound Editor" Scott Mosier is joined in the credits by "Accomplished Sound Editor" James Von Buelow. As for the boom operator? "Whoever grabbed the pole."
If It Was Madder: Believe us, this is only the start of Kevin Smith's adventures in movie credits.
Genevieve (1953)
The Credit: Years before the Americans started getting silly, us Brits were piling on the dry wit. A case in point:
For their patient cooperation the makers of this film express their thanks to the officers and members of the Veteran Car Club of Great Britain. Any resemblance between the deportment of our characters and any club members is emphatically denied - - - by the club.
If It Was Madder: In small type, right at the bottom of the screen: "...the boring bastards."
Monty Python's The Meaning Of Life (1983)
The Credit: Finally, somebody remembers to thank the fish.
"The Producers would like to thank all the fish who have taken part in this film. We hope that other fish will follow the example of those who have participated, so that, in future, fish all over the world will live together in harmony and understanding, and put aside their petty differences, cease pursuing and eating each other and live for a brighter, better future for all fish, and those who love them."
If It Was Madder: The credits would single out one fish in particular - Wanda - as one to watch.
Dogma (1999)
The Credit: Kevin Smith redefines the dictionary.
Disclaimer: 1) a renunciation of any claim to or connection with; 2) disavowal; 3) a statement made to save one's own ass; 4) a foresaid word for not being blamed later. Though it'll go without saying ten minutes or so into these proceedings, View Askew would like to state that this film is from start to finish a work of comedic fantasy, not to be taken seriously. To insist that any of what follows is incendiary or inflammatory is to miss our intention and pass undue judgment; and passing judgment is reserved for God and God alone (this goes for you film critics too... just kidding). So please before you think about hurting someone over this trifle of a film, remember: even God has a sense of humor. Just look at the Platypus. Thank you and enjoy the show. P.S. We sincerely apologize to all Platypus enthusiasts out there who are offended by that thoughtless comment about Platypi. We at View Askew respect the noble Platypus, and it is not our intention to slight these stupid creatures in any way. Thank you again and enjoy the show.
If It Was Madder: Oh, believe us, Kevin Smith gets madder. Wait 'til you see what he does on the credits of Clerks 2 .
The Old Dark House (1932)
The Credit: Cashing in on Frankenstein fever, the producers add a note to explain that: "Karloff, the mad butler in this production, is the same Karloff who created the part of the mechanical monster in " Frankenstein ". We explain this to settle all disputes in advance, even though such disputes are a tribute to his great versality."
If It Was Madder: They'd try to persuade us that it was a different Karloff.
Robocop (1987)
The Credit: "This motion picture is protected under the laws of the United States and other countries and its unauthorized duplication, distribution or exhibition may result in civil liability and criminal prosecution by enforcement droids." Omni-Consumer Products must be a supplier to Hollywood.
If It Was Madder: They'll be employing ED 209 as an Assistant Director next.
What's Up Tiger Lily? (1966)
The Credit: While Woody Allen watches a stripper do her thang on the left hand side of the screen, the credits roll down the right until we get this message:
And if you have been reading this instead of looking at the girl, then see your psychiatrist, or go to a good eye doctor.
Cue an actual eye test.
If It Was Madder: The credits would jump out of their right-hand berth and head over to the live-action to cover up the stripper's dignity.
Z (1969)
The Credit: Writer Jorge Semprun and director Costa-Gavras dispense with subtlety in their political drama about Greece's military dictatorship: "Any resemblance to actual events, to persons living or dead, is not the result of chance. It is DELIBERATE."
If It Was Madder: Costa-Gavras would attend screenings personally with a megaphone.
Hot Shots! (1991)
The Credit: After transfixing us to our seats with credits which include a recipe for brownie toppings and 'Things To Do After The Movie,' it ends:
IF YOU HAD LEFT THIS THEATRE WHEN THESE CREDITS BEGAN, YOU'D BE HOME NOW.
If It Was Madder: It'd add: "OH WELL, YOU MAY AS WELL SLEEP HERE FOR THE NIGHT. WE'RE SURE THE THEATRE MANAGER WON'T MIND."
An American Werewolf In London (1981)
The Credit: An oft-copied gag making probably its finest appearance: "All characters and events in this film are fictitious. Any similarity to actual events or persons, living, dead, or undead, is purely coincidental."
If It Was Madder: The film would be "based on a true story."
Scream (1996)
The Credit: Wes Craven got revenge for his chosen location pulling out of a verbal agreement days before shooting, by adding a sarcastic "No thanks whatsoever to the Santa Rosa City School District Governing Board" to the closing credits.
If It Was Madder: Wes Craven uses all of his films' end credits to deal with his personal issues.
Airplane! (1980)
The Credit: The king of daft credits, including: "Author of A Tale of Two Cities - Charles Dickens," "Foreez - A Jolly Good Fellow" and (a gag repeated in most Zucker / Abrahams / Zucker movies) "Worst Boy - Adolf Hitler."
If It Was Madder: Hitler would gradually get promoted from film to film until he was running the whole crew.
Monty Python And The Holy Grail (1975)
The Credit: The greatest opening credits in cinema history, as rogue Swedes takes over the film ("Mynd you, møøse bites Kan be pretty nasti") and the producers scramble to find responsible subtitlers. A sustained five-minute gag, the best thing is that it only happened because the film was under-length.
If It Was Madder: Impossible, frankly. Just when you think they can't go any further, they give the director credit to:
40 SPECIALLY TRAINED ECUADORIAN MOUNTAIN LLAMAS 6 VENEZUELAN RED LLAMAS 142 MEXICAN WHOOPING LLAMAS 14 NORTH CHILEAN GUANACOS (CLOSELY RELATED TO THE LLAMA) REG LLAMA OF BRIXTON 76000 BATTERY LLAMAS FROM ""LLAMA-FRESH"" FARMS LTD. NEAR PARAGUAY and TERRY GILLIAM & TERRY JONES.
