Sidekick Simons prank
Opening up about addiction
The Moment: In his autobiography, Alan opens up about his Toblerone addiction in a chapter entitled ‘My Drink And Drugs Heck’, in which he describes the circumstances that led to his breakdown and saw him drive barefoot to Dundee.
Most Quotable Line: “I got home and had a can of bitter and a sleeping tablet.*
*The drink and drugs of the chapter title.”
Dan The Man
The Moment: Alan invites the new agony aunt from Playboy magazine, Danielle Forrest, on to his chat show and is clearly smitten with her sexual wiles, asking for a kiss on her “little round mouth” to begin the interview. Things then go wrong when Alan discovers that a fact that she never tried to keep secret: she used to be a man.
Most Quotable Line: “Your hands are a give away. You’ve got great big flapping hands, like a bloke. You could be a goalkeeper!”
Knowing Me Knowing Yule
The Moment: An ill-conceived Christmas special of Knowing Me Knowing You , which the BBC were contractually obliged to film and air despite Alan's previous onscreen transgressions. It was a chaotic end to his television career, which saw him grow increasingly irritated at the double entendres of cross-dressing cook Fanny Thomas ("Ooh, pardon!") and ended with him punching a man in a wheelchair with a roast partridge on his fist.
Most Quotable Line: “Tonight’s show is coming live from BBC television centre where we have built an exact replica reproduction of the interior of my house. Please don’t take that as a greenlight to go to Norwich and burgle my actual house…”
Alan Partridge at the races
The Moment: In sports presenter mode for The Day Today , Alan Partridge provides drizzly coverage of the 6.30 Queen Henry Stakes - “which is generally regarded as the litmus test for Derby form. Jockey folklore says that if you cock up the Queen Henry, you might as well ride the Derby on a cow”. His look at the betting stakes and subsequent commentary is made all the funnier thanks to the horses having names like ‘Diabetic Charlie’, ‘Massive Bereavement’ and ‘Two Headed Sex Beast’.
Most Quotable Line: “Don’t know what that is. Ha ha – hope it’s not a dead horse. They’re certainly not going to fit it in the back of a Volvo 340. Actually, I hope it isn’t a dead horse. Sorry.”
Child prodigy
The Moment: For his Knowing Me Knowing You radio show, Alan interviews child prodigy Simon Fisher – along with his dad John – who picks up on frequent grammatical errors and reasoning in Alan’s questions. Needless to say, our host snaps and eventually hits the young child.
Most Quotable Line: “John, do you ever sit alone at night by the fire with your head in your hands and think to yourself ‘God have mercy on my soul, I’ve created a monster’?”
Cone off the rails
The Moment: When Alan is captured on CCTV stealing a traffic cone, radio nemesis DJ Dave Clifton makes fun of Partridge during their radio session handover. But Alan soon has enough, telling Dave to "fuck off" live on air and, in a rare winning moment for Alan, he explains that, as the time was 7:01, technically he was a guest that Dave failed to control.
Most Quotable Line: "Read the small print on your cone-tract"
Cheeky monkey
The Moment: Alan uses his power as chat show host to shine a spotlight on a talent he discovered at a summer cabaret while on holiday in Bournemouth – man that “made me laugh quite literally like a drain”. Joe Beasley and Cheeky Monkey – the awful, amateurish ventriloquist that then comes out gives a performance that goes down like a lead balloon. Alan claps him off early and then gets into an awkward and angry conversation with him afterward.
Most Quotable Line: “You’ve got a big problem. Your act is really poor. If you’ve got any sense of dignity, you’ll leave the stage. I’ll make sure you get a round of applause, now quit while you’re ahead.”
Alans Makeshift Table
The Moment: With his house under construction, Alan hosts a makeshift business meeting with the South African boss of a prize-giving event to discuss "pyrotikniks". The pair talk over a toilet door precariously balanced on a Black & Decker Workmate, while light is provided by a chandelier made from free mini-torches. Things go from bad to worse when Alan asks about making jokes in his speech and then misinterprets his guest's heavily accented response of "You can't!"
Most Quotable Line: “Well there’s no need for that! I only want to do a couple of jokes.” Followed by: “You’ve done it again! You’ve said it again! Just because I’ve got a shit table?”
Kindred spirit Dan
The Moment: When Alan meets a like-minded individual named Dan, who shares similar views on coffee, cars and the Daily Mail, Alan is smitten with the thought of a new best friend. So when he sees Dan at a distance later on, he goes to some effort to get noticed for a wave.
Most Quotable Line: “Dan! Dan! Dan!... Dan! …DAN! DAAAN!... Dan!...”
