Citizen Zane

With the Total Recall remake looking like a box-office flop, is Hollywood finally going to sit up and realise that there is no point in remaking a movie, the original of which people still love?

There’s no part of me that’s interested in seeing new versions of RoboCop , The Evil Dead , Starship Troopers , Highlander or Time Bandits .

I mean, TIME BANDITS , how do you even remake that? There’s not a second of that movie that doesn’t have a part of Terry Gilliam’s soul in it.

But unlike some, I’m not opposed to the idea of remaking films in general.

Gareth Edwards taking on Godzilla is exciting, not least because the monster’s last outing featured Matthew Broderick using a pregnancy test on giant-lizard pee.

Why they didn’t go with Broderick’s exclamation: “He’s pregnant!” as the tagline is a mystery.

Dredd is another welcome remake. And before anyone starts saying the Stallone version wasn’t that bad , let me present you with the following evidence: a) it was and b) it had Rob Schneider as the comic relief. In a Judge Dredd movie. Exactly.

I know, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure.

Maybe you didn’t like the original Highlander , but you loved the concept and think Ryan Reynolds playing Connor MacLeod is a super, awesome, swell idea. You’d be wrong, but maybe you think that.

However there are some movies that would benefit greatly from the remake treatment. Movies that had great ideas, but couldn’t deliver the spectacle to go with them.

Here are two movies begging to be remade...

REMAKE IDEA #1: ROBOT JOX (1990)

Directed by Stuart Gordon (who went on to make the rather sublime Fortress ), this is a brilliant low- budget sci-fi.

In a post-apocalyptic future where war has been outlawed, America and Russia settle disputes by having two blokes climb inside massive robots to fight to the death.

It’s basically Rocky IV with massive robots.

The acting is terrible, the effects are dated, but what a premise... Did I mention the massive robots?

Maybe Guillermo del Toro’s Pacific Rim will satisfy my craving for mechanoid carnage but if not, this needs to happen.

REMAKE IDEA #2: ARENA (1989)

From the same studio that gave us Robot Jox – the now defunct Empire International Pictures – came this rather wonderful concept.

It’s basically the Cantina in Mos Eisley reimagined as a huge floating space station complete with a fight-to-the-death sport that takes place in an, er, arena.

The first ever human combatant is attempting to win against some formidable aliens. Watch the trailer online and you’ll see the potential.

I realise both my suggestions involve sport, but what can I say, I caught the Olympic bug.

Although, despite my newfound appreciation for all the perfect human athletes, I would’ve still rather watched Mo Farah racing against a grotesque cyborg minotaur called Horn.

Seriously, watch the Arena trailer.