Money doesn’t buy everything. It can’t buy you respect, love, or happiness...but it can buy you something so horrendously grotesque that it’ll make any guests you have shrivel up their nose in disgust, as if they’ve smelt the corpse of a deceased family pet and can now see it stretched across your PS4 as some sort of furry mangled decal. Ok, so I’m exaggerating a bit. But by jove, when trawling through Amazon I stumbled across some skins that make me question why, oh why you’d inflict these designs on a brand new console. Here are the worst.
Garishly gold
Are you an oligarch? Do you also have a toilet made out of pure gold? Do you have a menagerie of exotic animals that should really be allowed to roam free in the wild? Even if you answered no to all of those questions, fear not: buy this gold skin and you’ll be one step closer to an existence filled with diamond-infused face cream and fluted marble columns in your foyer.
Buy it UK: £4.88 from Amazon
Buy it US: $14.99 from Amazon
Why? Just...why?
I had to close this tab very bloody quickly indeed when my colleagues walked behind my desk, for obvious reasons. First off, why? Secondly, why tho? Objectification aside, maybe some people like to imagine they’re fondling the behind of a semi-undressed convict when they’re playing some game on their PS4. I don’t know. I don’t want to know. Just take the link and go.
Buy it UK: £7.99 from Amazon
Buy it US: $66.45 from Amazon
Scourge of vampires (and good taste)
Graveyards are your hangout spot of choice, you’re particularly fond of blood pudding, and you have absolutely nothing to do with the neighbourhood pets that have started to go missing. Sound familiar? If your answer is yes (with a nice, drawn-out sssss at the end), then you’ll probably feel affronted by this skin which depicts a vampire skull. If you’re a Helsing, though, this might be up your gothic-and-poorly-lit-cobbled street.
Buy it UK/US: £4.88 from Amazon
You’re on fire! Blue fire. And you’re a skull.
Oversized T-shirt: check. Chain on your jeans: check. Frosted tips: check. What could possibly be missing, I hear you ask? A skin for your PS4 that makes it obvious you’re a Bad Boy, of course. This flaming blue skull accomplishes just that, and is the perfect shade of blue to complement the particular shade of your Gatorade.
Buy it UK/US: £4.88 from Amazon
How much do you like energy drinks?
I’m getting a headache from looking at quite this many logos on one surface, overlapping each other, like I’m being sucked into an endless black hole of tangy fizzy energy drinks with a metallic aftertaste… who knows, maybe just looking at this skin will imbue you with a surge of energy strong enough to keep playing for nine more hours.
Buy it UK/US: £8.99 from Amazon
The 90’s called, they want their stickers back
Seriously, I’ve put them on hold but they’re refusing to leave a message, they want to talk to you directly. How can you blame them? This tubular skin has a bewildering variety of stickers that will confuse any baby boomer, including one printed with TTR97 (obviously code for some conspiracy...or just garbled nonsense), a winky smiley face that’s one blood smear away from being in Watchmen, and just the word ‘Mesh’ written in pink cursive. Even Elle Woods would be proud.
Buy it UK/US: £14.95 from Amazon
Adidas aficionado
You have the tracksuit. You have the sneakers. Hell, you maybe even have the Adidas trainers that have a bit of pizza stitched to the side. But what you definitely don’t have (but obviously need) to show your dedication to a brand is a bright blue, oddly pixelated skin for your PS4. I don’t know why the lines are all jagged, but what I do know is that it’s giving me a migraine as my eyes are trying to make them straight in my head but it’s NOT WORKING OUCH OUCH OUCH
Buy it UK/US: £11.58 from Amazon
We get it, you smoke weed
If you say ‘blaze it’ I swear to the Lord up above I will react in a wholly appropriate manner because you have the right to confess your love of the herb however you wish. You also have the right to buy this skin, even if it’s the equivalent of being so obvious about the veracity of the herbal substance that just looking at it would get you high. Eating the skin would probably achieve the same outcome, although in all likelihood it’s the toxic glue that would do it (the consumption of which I obviously do not recommend).
Buy it UK/US: £4.88 from Amazon
Money, money, money
Rather than buying this skin you could just put a great big pile of money on your coffee table to prove to your guests that you do, indeed, have currency that can be exchanged for goods and services. Or you could buy this skin, and stare Benjamin Franklin down as he eyes you with a faintly disappointed gaze that you’ve spent actual real-life money on it when you could have just withdrawn some $100 dollar bills and stuck them onto your PS4.
Buy it UK/US: $8.90 from Amazon
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