7 Possible Plots For Indy 5

Indy IV and Transformers star Shia LaBeouf has spilled the news that The Beard has "cracked" a plotline for the next Indy movie.

There's still a long time to go until shooting might start, though.

So, before George Lucas gets his clammy hands on the treatment, we not-so-humbly present our own thoughts on what Dr Jones & Son might do next...

1. Indiana Jones And The Tediously Topical Financial Riff

The plot: A prequel, set in 1920s Depression-era America.

Behind the local job centre, a mysterious hooded figure spins out-of-work Indy a curious tale about there having been THREE stone tablets handed to Moses on Mount Sinai, rather than two.

The missing third slab allegedly contains a formula for predicting financial trends eons into the future.

Indy must venture into the network of sub-Sinai caves to retrieve it before the relatively new-fangled Nazis, also on to the rumour, get there first.

The twist: The hooded figure shows up midway through Indy’s mission, and reveals himself to be a senior Vatican official who also seeks the formula for the exclusive benefit of the Roman Catholic church.

The climax: It all goes tits up and Indy is forced to sacrifice the tablet in an erupting volcano - along with the evil Vatican stooge and a busload of mini-Hitlers - in order to escape.

In a 1937 epilogue, a second wave of recession hits America hard. (At which point, cinema-going students of economic history around the world go “Ooh, clever!”)

Next: Indy In Space...

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2. Indiana Jones And The Space Between Spaces

The plot: In a direct sequel to the events of Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull , the alien mindbenders return to silence the witnesses to their intergalactic weirdness - namely Indy, Marion, Mutt and Oxley.

Our heroes are caught napping and whisked away, only to discover that Mac and the Soviets, far from having been destroyed by events in the temple of Akator, are captives in the alien netherworld.

They must form an awkward union if they are to survive and escape, but it seems at least one of the party has been turned to the grey side...

The twist: OMFG MAYBE IT’S INDY!!

The climax: Whew, it’s not Indy. It’s Mac - he dies, the others all escape and hold an awkward sort of celebration dinner back on earth, during which the Soviets promise to end the Cold War. (Which turns out to be an evil lie).

Next: Dinosaur Indy...

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3. Indiana Jones And The Derivative Dinosaur Place

The plot: Mutt and his friends go looking for a lost island on an adventure of their own, and landed themselves in about 58 kinds of shit.

Sent to save them, Indy notices that it’s 58 kinds of weirdly oversized shit.

What could be laying these massive bum-eggs all over the place? Surely it’s nothing to do with that ominous roaring in the distance?

And where IS that wayward Mutt, anyway..? Oh, and then some Nazis arrive too. AND some Soviets.

The twist: In a Lost-meets- Wizard-Of-Oz -type mindwarp, we discover that the terrifying ‘creatures’ stalking our heroes are the fictional creations of a demented Nazi Scooby Doo villain, intent on keeping the island free from nosey parkers while he uses it to breed an evil Aryan master race.

The climax: The Soviets are mad with the Nazis for not telling them, and decide to take the island for themselves - cue back-up (zombie?) Nazis...

In the ensuing bloody scrimmage, Indy and Mutt make their escape in a papier-mâché T-Rex head.

Next: Groovy Indy...

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4. Indiana Jones And The Ill-Advised Chronological Leap

The plot: It’s 1967, the summer of love.

Indy is an old - but surprisingly hip - lecturer on campus, having hung up his adventuring boots once and for all.

Or has he?

When all his students start embarking on increasingly deranged trips, he suspects a sinister strain of black hash that’s been flooding the dorms recently, and decides on one last mission...

...to the weed fields of Afghanistan, where a bewildering plot cooked up by evil Bin Laden Sr involves lots of being chased through caves.

The twist: Features quite heavily, alas, along with the Mashed Potato and the Funky Chicken.

Critics struggle with the franchise having taken a sudden Austin Powers-like direction.

The climax: Fields upon fields of burning cannabis, with a victorious Indy looking on impassively while hundreds of Taliban types roll around in fits of stoner giggles, despite their seething rage.

Indy returns to college one cool cat.

Next: Voodoo Indy...

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5. Indiana Jones And The Resident Evil 5-Like ‘Is It Racist?’ Nervousness

The plot: Something about voodoo and zombies and stuff, in the remote mud-hut villages of Africa.

In fact, let’s just plunder the Resident Evil 5 game wholesale for this one. An icky parasite has been chewing its way into the minds of townspeople, turning them into mindless slaves to their own insatiable blood-lust.

But there’s no weird side-plot involving the black market sale of biological weapons because that’s a) too realistic for Indy and b) too likely to get Paramount sued by Capcom.

In this case, it’s a weird side-plot about the black market sale of, umm, a haunted ivory chalice or something.

The twist: At one point, Indy is infected with a parasite too, meaning that his cabal of assorted helpers have to shackle him up in the back of their Jeep and race him to a desert shaman.

The climax: Indy escapes and goes on a massive killing spree, and it all ends in nauseating tangles of knotted viscera and glistening fountains of claret seeping into the sand.

Next: Lego Indy...

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6. Indiana Jones And The Lego Indiana Jones

The plot: A rip in the (surprisingly poorly stitched, it seems) fabric of time and reality pits the real Indy against his block-headed counterpart from the toymaker’s merch tie-in of the late 2000s.

A bit of a Batman Returns situation ensues, with Lego Indy winning over the press and real Indy’s reputation on the slide.

But only the real Indy knows that the Lego doppelganger has ulterior motives - to make the whole planet bow to his cruel, right-angled ways.

The twist: We venture to Ancient Egypt, where the mystery of the pyramids’ construction is finally cracked wide open. Three guesses...

The climax: An eye-popping live action/Microsoft crossover sequence, whereupon real Indy has to enter the terrifying pixel realm of Lego Indiana Jones on the Xbox 360, defeat his nemesis, then escape from the console before the red ring of death seals him in forever.

Next: Toddler Indy...

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7. REALLY Young Indiana Jones

The plot: A prequel-tastic leap back through the decades, echoing the creepily dubbed Three Men And A … franchise.

Li'l Indy is 3, and has escaped from his pushchair during a daytrip to the local museum, where he ends up playing an active role in foiling the would-be thieves of a priceless Fabergé egg.

The twist: All of Indy’s traditional accoutrements are replaced with suitably juvenile versions - instead of a fedora, it’s a bonnet. Instead of a bullwhip, a strawberry bootlace, etc.

The climax: A gripping sequence in which he outwits a thief by hiding inside a model Homo erectus and, staggering jerkily towards the criminals, making them believe the legend that the Fabergé egg has spooky mystical powers.

As the dust settles, everyone stands around laughing at an appalling pun for an uncomfortably long time.

Baby Indy winks to camera. Roll credits.