The ultimate license
WWE is the most unique form of entertainment on the face of the Earth. It combines comedy, drama, tragedy, violence and body horror, all depending on the whims of megalomaniacal despot Vince McMahon. But if the product itself can straddle so many different genres, why cant the games? We always get simulations of the, er, sport, but what about the other bits?
Why cant we have a game that focuses on the backstage shenanigans? Or character-specific action games? Imagine something like God Hand with Daniel Bryan eh? Eh? In that vein, here are some other, more creative uses of the WWE license that could guarantee megasales and make good old Uncle Vince a billionaire again. As well as being far, far better than this year's official game. If youll excuse me, Im nipping off down the patent office to get these copyrighted immediately, so that he can buy them off me and I never have to work again.
Street Fighter vs. Mortal Kombat vs. WWE Universe
Lets start with an obvious one. WWEs got a roster full of outlandish loons in daft clothes. Capcoms combat sims also always have rosters full of outlandish loons in daft clothes. Its the perfect set up for the most devastating fighting game collaboration since Boogerman turned up in one of the Clayfighters. Imagine the bouts Ryu vs Daniel Bryan. Rusev vs Sagat. AJ Lee vs Chun Li. Sakura vs Sabu.
If they cant get Capcom, WWE vs Mortal Kombat would do. Think of all those WWE finishers with an ultraviolent twist. Daniel Bryan kneeing someone so hard their head blows up! Randy Orton RKOing someone so hard their guts explode! Bradshaws Clothesline from Hell dismembering and setting a man on fire! Eva Maries roll up, er eh... doing something. Besides, wouldnt every internet wrestling virg I mean fan jump at the chance to perform horrifying fatalities on John Cena? This is why the Attitude era needs to come back.
Mr. Ass Effect
The dynamic Nemesis rival system introduced in Shadow of Mordor could be a game changer for the industry. Of course, it could be used for something like Mass Effect, (rather than the 3 different coloured endings, you could get at least 4! Imagine!) but its much better suited for something like a WWE RPG. Think of all the random alliances and rivalries you could build up! When combined with a Mass Effect style Renegade/Paragon system youve got a potential best-game-ever candidate here.
Imagine youre playing a segment as John Cena and doing a feel-good promo with a bunch of starving Latvian orphans for charity. Its all lovely and heartwarming and youre getting loads of good karma points until *HEEL INTERRUPT* Cena clotheslines one of the orphans to rapturous boos everywhere. John Cena would kick out at two against a Reaper by the way. He wont even do the job for genocidal, omniscient death machines, the selfish bastard.
Sid Meiers McMahonization
It beggars belief that there hasnt been a Vince McMahon god sim before. Lest we forget, the man is almost definitely legitimately bonkers and wields his power like a child wields a super soaker. Playing as him? Again, weve got a best-game-ever candidate.
Alternatively, imagine playing a game where you could sack guys because you dont like the cut of their jib, or because theyre under 6 ft, or you dont like their dad. Imagine hiking up the price of merchandise to fleece your adoring fans. Imagine having limitless wealth to engage in madness, like booking the little fella in the bull costume to beat the Undertakers streak. All this, without any hint of a morality system, because well McMahon. Itd be the ultimate, freeform god sim.
Assassins Creed: New Jack Flag
New Jack is my favourite wrestler. Hes got a savagely poetic turn of phrase, he dives off balconies, and he smashes people over the head with weapons. Heck, he even killed some guys during his tenure as a real-life bounty hunter.
Now, diving off balconies? Killing people? Melee weapons? Why, its Assassins Creed! Now that Ubisoft is releasing 56 iterations every fortnight, its surely only a matter of time before WWE approaches the French publisher with this idea and makes millions. Plus, New Jacks a far more charismatic protagonist than all the Assassins Creed protagonists combined. The fact that he legitimately wallops septuagenarians with barbed-wire baseball bats and is still more likable than a noble bunch of pixelated assassins says it all, really. Also they could save time and money on development by eschewing the need for a proper soundtrack. Theyd just need to have Natural Born Killaz by Dre and Ice Cube on repeat. Constantly. Even when your console is off. Thats how they get you, you see? Them lizards.
Indie Wrestler: The Game: The Movie
Heres one for the haircuts and trousers brigade. Thisd be a Dear Esther-style affair, casting you as a struggling indie wrestler as he tries to make it to the WWE with a wife and six kids to feed. You wander around a barren wasteland looking for an indie show venue, talking to people who give you nothing but cryptic clues. All the while some mans narrating a load of poetry at you. The man could be Dusty Rhodes. He knows all about hard times, daddy.
Of course it would all be in pixel art and be funded by Kickstarter, and thered be a revelation that your character was dead all along, and the creator would shriek and swear at people on Twitter. Meanwhile, the rest of us would be playing a God of War-style action game starring Stone Cold Steve Austin. MASH X TO KICK! WHAM! STUNNER! BAH GAWD, AUSTIN DOES IT AGAIN!
Easily the most interesting new fella in WWE is Dean Ambrose. Hes the Jack Nicholson to John Cenas er, Donny Osmond? Anyway, his thing is to jump out and ambush people, especially his mortal enemy Seth Rollins. Hes jumped out of car boots, from under a desk and even out of a giant present to mess up his foe. He even set a trap for Rollins, causing him to be sprayed with green goo! What larks!
Now ambushing people? Setting traps? Mr. Ambrose sounds like someone Agent 47 would approve of! Imagine a game like Hitman but with 'The Lunatic Fringe' sneaking around and jumping out of things to beat people up. He could set traps too, and skulk around waiting for them to go off, before wandering away to his generic but catchy theme song. Because its a game, you could make them fatal too. Imagine him quietly putting anthrax in Big Shows Coco Pops or something.
Quite simple really. Randy Orton runs around a free-roaming city, RKOing pedestrians, cops and children. FROM OUTTA NOWHERE. 10/10, GOTY. And no cousin telling you to come see beeg American teetees with him.
Thatll be saved for the Dean Ambrose open-world game.
Too bad that's all we've got
But how about you? Inspired to mash up any WWE wrestlers present or past into new video game genres? Want to see Rusev in a Karnov remake? Sergeant Slaughter in the new Gears of War? Stick your suggestions in the comments.
And while you're here, check out our WWE 2K15 review to see how well conventional wrestling games are doing this year (clue: not very). Have a look at The Top 7 wrestlers who could only exist in video games too. Because why the hell not?