City Of Angels (1998)
A remake of Wim Wenders’ 1987 film Wings Of Desire , this vehicle for Nicolas Cage and Meg Ryan is so solemn it hurts. With its angelic choirs and its soaring panoramas, it’s clearly out to create an ethereal mood. Instead, it’s cheesy, ridiculous and over-sentimental tosh.
The Italian Job (2003)
No Michael Caine? No deal. Though it’s got Charlize Theron lending the film a little South African sizzle, and some snazzy Mini Coopers, this Job hasn’t a hope at matching the wit of the masterful original. Small wonder its sequel, the woefully titled The Brazilian Job (cross those legs, ladies), has been stuck in production hell ever since.
Its Alive (2008)
“It's a terrible picture,” says Larry Cohen of It’s Alive , which features potentially the youngest serial killer ever – a newborn baby. Larry should know, he directed the 1974 original and has a writing credit on the remake. “It's just beyond awful. I would advise anybody who likes my film to cross the street and avoid seeing the new enchilada.” Listen to Larry, people, he knows what he’s talking about.
Halloween (2007)
Rob Zombie’s reboot of John Carpenter’s seminal chiller may feature the best Michael Myers mask since the first film (and that isn’t saying much), but Myers himself is a travesty. Unnecessarily filling in a complete backstory, Zombie takes much of the myth out of Myers and turns him into a boringly unkillable killer who’s built like a brick shit house.
Taxi (2004)
Queen Latifah gets behind the wheel and completely ruins any promise she had after earning all those awards/accolades for Chicago . Sure, this remake of the Luc Besson-scribbled film was financially successful, but critically it was kicked to the curb. Too right, say we.
Get Carter (2000)
Sylvester Stallone attempts to prove he can be as cool as Michael Caine was back in his heyday. Instead, he proves the opposite. Sure, Sly can carry a gun and wear a posh suit, but can he hit the same emotional notes as Caine? That’d be a no. Move along quickly, please.
Guess Who (2005)
Who’s more annoying? Ashton Kutcher or Bernie Mac? That seems to be the aim of the game with this remake of the 1967 film Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner . The warring, gobby leads merrily attempt to plug the gap left where the political comedy of the original flick once existed, but their squabbling does nothing but grate. Guess who thinks this film is rubbish...
One Missed Call (2008)
The horror movie obsession with phones continues apace in this rehash of the 2004 Japanese film Chakushin Ari. The fact that it wasn’t screened for critics before its release showed what little faith the filmmakers had in their product. True to form, One Missed Call was savaged by critics and audiences alike, and is now singled out as one of the worst J-horror remakes ever. Just hang up already.
Prom Night (2008)
The Jamie Lee Curtis original looks dated now, but its disco ball aesthetic isn’t without its charm. The same can’t be said for this cash-in remake, which simply takes the title and exploits it for a by-the-numbers slasher that isn’t even as good as some of the worst classic slashers. Criminally unscary.
Rollerball (2002)
So terrible that it’s only 3% fresh on Rotten Tomatoes, this Chris Klein-starring remake decides that the social critique of the original 1975 film is unnecessary and completely does away with it. What’s left behind is an aggressive and confusing waste of celluloid that struggles to overcome the fact that Klein is a painfully uncharismatic lead.
