Black Xmas (2006)
Poor Bob Clark, the director of the influential 1974 original Black Christmas , died the very same year this atrocity was unleashed on the world. A glossed-up reslash that fails to match even half of Clark’s films ingenuity, Black Xmas is a sorry example of slasher filmmaking at its absolutely worst. We’ve never missed a pissed Margot Kidder more.
The Stepfather (2009)
Gossip Girl ’s Penn Badley returns home from school to find his mum’s got an overfriendly new boyfriend who may have something of a dark side. Slated by critics, this remake of the 1987 flick lacks any discernable tension, and completely fudges the original film’s satire.
The Haunting (1999)
Full of CGI nonsense, there’s not a hint of the original Haunting ’s ability to get right under your skin in Jan De Bont’s woeful remake. Instead, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Owen Wilson and Liam Neeson are the ones getting right under your skin – but in an annoying way that makes you just want to scratch them out and watch a good movie, for heaven’s sake.
Clash Of The Titans (2010)
Much has been made of Titans' woeful post-conversion 3D, but the film’s problems started way before all that Avatar -piggy-backing hoo-haa. Like with the script, which sets out to be an epic, old-fashioned quest movie, but never tries its hand at anything new. Or the horrible CGI, which turns Medusa into a supermodel. Or Sam Worthington, who doesn’t have a character to play…
Bangkok Dangerous (2008)
Does Nicolas Cage hold the record for ‘actor who’s made the most (and most awful) remakes’? He must be up there somewhere. With this film from the Pang Brothers, he’s heading up another reboot, this time of the Pangs’ own Thai film of the same name. Sadly, they’ve improved the story none, and Cage delivers one of his most wooden performances ever. Which is really saying something.
The Grudge (2004)
A post- Buffy Sarah Michelle Gellar sticks to what she knows with this remake of the sensationally creepy J-horror – but with Joss Whedon nowhere in sight, her Grudge is boringly predictable and offers absolutely nothing new.
When A Stranger Calls (2006)
The 1979 original was a short film fleshed out into a feature, and it showed. The opening and closing scenes pack wallop, but the middle sags like an undercooked soufflé. This remake has a stab at the premise once more, updating the famous urban legend for modern audiences. Sadly, though it makes the right decision in unfolding events over just one night, its shocks are still outdated in a post- Scream world.
Death Race (2008)
The curse of Paul W.S. Anderson continues as he takes the 1975 Death Race 2000 and turns it into a Jason Statham vehicle. It took six years to approve a script, and one can only assume that the horrible screenplay that eventually got made only slipped through the cracks when Universal hurriedly scooped the film up after Paramount dropped it.
The Omen (2006)
Utterly pointless in every way, John Moore’s remake was clearly put into production in order to fit around a funky release date (6.6.06), but serves no purpose beyond that. Copying every single story beat from the original film, the only thing that gives this remake any edge is the presence of Mia Farrow as a devious nanny.
The Hitcher (2007)
Why would anybody attempt to upstage Rutger Hauer’s career-defining turn as a psycho hitchhiker in the 1986 Hitcher ? A post- Lord Of The Rings Sean Bean had clearly had his ego massaged enough to consider himself up to the task. Tellingly, he’s not, and the film relies on gore and cheap shocks instead. The result is a mess.
