30 Rubbishest Movie Character Names

There some amazing, descriptive or just plan tough movie names out there.

And then there are the mouthfuls that make you wonder what their creators were thinking when they came up with them.

Here's our definitive list of the stupidest movie monikers around...

Star Wars (1977)

The Rubbish Name: Grand Moff Tarkin (Peter Cushing)

Who He Is: He's the Empire's Big Dog aside from Darth Vader on the Death Star. It's implied he's even senior to the Sith Lord as he has the balls to talk back to him without fear of a throat-crushing punishment.

Okay, so maybe it's a title. But "Grand Moff"? Really? The Empire thought that was a good military term?

What He Sounds Like: The galaxy's swinging-est porn star and all-round ladies' man.

Given how wrinkly he is, we doubt it, but then look at Michael Douglas.

Disturbia (2007)

The Rubbish Name: Kale Brecht (Shia Labeouf)

Who He Is: A house-bound teen who, after one arrest too many is stuck in his room and notices a possible murder happening in his neighbour's house.

He decides to investigate, Rear Window-style.

What He Sounds Like: The sort of snooty, poetry-quoting jerk who gets in the way of true love for two acts in a romantic comedy, before the heroine decides she loves the spunky, blue-collar hero.

Think the sniffly violinist in Ghostbusters that Bill Murray mocks- that type.

Kill Bill: Vol 2 (2004)

The Rubbish Name: Beatrix Kiddo (Uma Thurman)

Who She Is: She mostly goes by the code name The Bride as part of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad, before she decides to quit and her old colleagues track her down to murder her.

But she escapes death and, lacking her real name, swears revenge.

What She Sounds Like: It's probably better she doesn't remember for a while - no one with her name could do what she does.

"Beatrix Kiddo" sounds like a comedy rabbit in an animated movie.

Next: Valentine McKee, Flipper Purify, Dickie Greenleaf


Tremors (1990)

The Rubbish Name: Valentine McKee (Kevin Bacon)

Who He Is:
One half of a team of good ol' boys who enjoys nothing more than knocking back beer and swinging odd jobs.

That is until gigantic subterranean creatures start snacking on the populace of his hometown in Perfection, Nevada.

What He Sounds Like: Old timey singer with a starring spot in Crusty's Jazz Lounge.

He can be found every Saturday night belting out tunes from eight
'till late and usually gets paid in cocktails.

Jungle Fever (1991)

The Rubbish Name: Flipper Purify (Wesley Snipes)

Who He Is: A married black architect who creates a storm of controversy with friends and family when he starts an affair with a white Italian woman (Annabella Sciorra)

What He Sounds Like : The preacher-turned dictator of a post-apocalyptic desert Nevada, who sentences wrongdoers in the community to gladiatorial trials.

He wears a lot of leather, since his film is from the 80s.

The Talented Mr Ripley (1999)

The Rubbish Name: Dickie Greenleaf (Jude Law)

Who He Is: Rich, spoiled playboy millionaire with a girlfriend (Gwyneth Paltrow) and luxury lifestyle.

He has the misfortune to befriend Matt Damon's Tom Ripley, a con man with a murderous crush on Dickie.

What He Sounds Like:
The cheeky, charming chappie thief played by Peter Sellers in an Ealing comedy.

After a spell in the slammer, Dickie's free to return to his old ways - but can he avoid the Bobbies while wooing a beautiful young librarian?

Next: Johnny Utah, Silken Floss, Knox Overstreet


Point Break (1991)

The Rubbish Name: Johnny Utah (Keanu Reeves)

Who He Is: An agent for the F! B! I! who is assigned to infiltrate and take down a successful gang of surfing bank robbers.

But he becomes conflicted when he gets a little too deep undercover and bonds with leader Bodhi (Patrick Swayze).

What He Sounds Like: A cowboy in the Old West who refuses to accept that the world is changing around him and the lawless ways of the past are vanishing along with the prairie.

Ironically, he was born in Kentucky.

The Spirit (2009)

The Rubbish Name: Silken Floss (Scarlett Johansson)

Who She Is: A weird sidekick to Samuel L Jackson's even freakier The Octopus.

She's a bondage-happy ice always happy to torture the hero (Gabriel Macht), but will strike out on her own if need be.

What He Sounds Like:
A brand of feminine hygiene product available at your local supermarket.

Promises to vanquish annoying odours.

Dead Poets Society (1989)

The Rubbish Name: Knox Overstreet (Josh Charles)

Who He Is: One of the Welton Academy students inspired by Robin Williams' Mr Keating to "seize the day", which he does by tracking down and snogging the girl he likes. Which leads to him being beaten up by her hulking boyfriend.

It all works out in the end, though.

What He Sounds Like: A henchman in a Bond movie - a massive, muscular type who is nearly impossible to defeat in single combat. His name is a pun on the fact that he can run through buildings.

Bond shoots him in the head. Problem solved.

Next: Solomon Vandy, Scut Farkus, Spurgeon Tanner


Blood Diamond (2006)

The Rubbish Name:
Solomon Vandy (Djimon Hounsou)

Who He Is: Heroic diamond miner trying to get back to his family who helps out Leonardo DiCaprio's reformed smuggler as they battle the illegal trade in slave-produced jewels.

What He Sounds: The villainous owner of a corporate chain who really, really wants the plucky environmentalist put out of his misery.

And he means now!

A Christmas Story (1983)

The Rubbish Name: Scut Farkus (Zack Ward)

Who He Is: A bully who spends his days making life hell for young Ralphie Parker (Peter Billingsley).

But one day, Ralphie snaps and, turning the tables on Scut, beats him up instead.

What He Sounds Like:
The nerdy sidekick in a gross-out comedy who thinks he's a ladykiller.

He ends up seducing a woman, only to learn she's a $1,000-a-night prostitute and has to get a side job to pay off her angry pimp, Daddy Biggles.

Deep Impact (1998)

The Rubbish Name: Spurgeon "Fish" Tanner (Robert Duvall)

Who He Is: Experienced older astronaut who agrees to one last mission when Earth is endangered by a huge bloody rock.

He ends up sacrificing himself to save the world.

What He Sounds Like: Cranky but lovable fogey who goes on an amazing adventure with a group of aliens who mistake him for their leader in disguise. He ends up having to pretend to be the commander when the creatures' evil foe shows up.

Coming soon to cinemas: Fake Me To Your Leader!

Next: Philo Beddoe, Chance Boudreaux, Dirk Pitt


Every Which Way But Loose (1978)

The Rubbish Name:
Philo Beddoe (Clint Eastwood)

Who He Is: A silly name for an otherwise awesome character - laid-back trucker and handy fist-fighter who loves women, beer and the odd scrap.

Hangs around with an orangutan called Clyde.

What He Sounds Like: The latin genus for a type of flatworm usually to be found living in volcanic tubes in the bottom of the ocean.

None of them have orangutans as companions. Or brains.

Hard Target (1993)

The Rubbish Name: Chance Boudreaux (Jean-Claude Van Damme)

Who He Is: Tough guy who helps out a woman (Yancy Butler) on the trail of her missing father.

He uncovers - and defeats - a human hunting ring. And he's just one of the very silly names in the film. Pik van Cleef? Frack? Really, writers?

What He Sounds Like: Gay Canadian hockey player who discovers true love while out on tour but must hide it from his homophobic team mates.

But when he shoots the winning goal for the championship, they all accept him for who he is.

Sahara (2005)

The Rubbish Name: Dirk Pitt (Matthew McConaughey)

Who He Is: Charming, treasure-hunting hero who is seeking out a lost Civil War battleship with his companions.

He gets mixed up with a UN doctor (Penelope Cruz) and a nasty African dictator (Lennie James).

What He Sounds Like:
The main underground attraction at Nag End On Sea's Cumley Caves.

To find it, first reach Little Shitley, then head east on the main road until you see the radiation warning signs.

Next: Count Laszlo de Almasy, Americus Nation, Evan Treborn


The English Patient (1996)

The Rubbish Name: Count Laszlo de Almasy (Ralph Fiennes)

Who He Is: Badly burned plane crash victim nursed back to health by Juliette Binoche's comely medical assistant.

He reveals his life in flashback, including a tragic love affair.

What He Sounds Like: Fanciful Eurotrash aristocrat who builds a theme park on sacred burial ground, the refuses to let the patrons leave even when they start dying in horrific ways.

Where The Heart Is (2000)

The Rubbish Name: Americus Nation (Mackenzie Fitzgerald)

Who She Is: The baby daughter of Novalee Nation (Natalie Portman), a girl abandoned by her boyfriend in a Wal-Mart who ends up giving birth there.

The pair become local celebrities and Novalee finds the help she needs and the friends she craves.

What She Sounds Like: Heroic plantation slave in a Steven Spielberg epic that works as a prequel to Amistad.

The Butterfly Effect (2004)

The Rubbish Name: Evan Treborn (Ashton Kutcher)

Who He Is:
Abused boy who discovers he has the power to alter the timelines.

But every time he tries to fix his past, he ends up damaging himself or his friends and family.

What He Sounds Like: A half-boy/half plant hero who befriends a lonely girl and has a series of adventures that are threatened when their fathers - an oak tree and a lumberjack - try to keep them apart.

Next: Forrest Taft, Chev Chelios, Cole Trickle


On Deadly Ground (1994)

The Rubbish Name:
Forrest Taft (Steven Seagal)

Who He Is: Environmentalist/action hero who is fighting to save the Alaskan wilderness and its Native American people from a nasty oil corporation.

The oil types are led by slimy bad guy Michael Caine, probably just thinking about the money he'll earn from the role.

What He Sounds Like: A wonderful sweet treat for kids of all ages, usually to be found at local fairgrounds.

Excess consumption can lead to rubber arteries and displaced knees.

Crank (2006)

The Rubbish Name: Chev Chelios (Jason Statham)

Who He Is: Professional assassin who must run around like a blue-arsed fly when a rival injects him with a poison that will off him should his heart rate drop.

He spends the film running around, having sex and trying to keep the adrenaline pumping.

What He Sounds Like:
Come to Chev Chelios' World Of Cars in South London!

We specialise in Volkswagons.

Days Of Thunder (1990)

The Rubbish Name: Cole Trickle (Tom Cruise)

Who He Is: Top gun maverick stock car driver who lives life on the edge, but finds his attitude gets him into trouble with other racers and his own team.

And injury leaves him struggling to rebuild his career and his life.

What He Sounds Like:
The nine-year-old main character of a charming but unsubtle family comedy who has a little problem with urine issues.

Next: Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez, Dizzy Flores, Rain Ocampo


Highlander (1986)

The Rubbish Name:
Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez (Sean Connery)

Who He Is: He sounds like the most Spanish character ever, which is of course why he's played by Shir Shean. With a Shcottish accent.

He makes it his mission to teach Connor Macleod (Christopher Lambert) the ways of the immortal.

What He Sounds Like:
The drug lord villain of a comedy where people spend ages trying to say his name, which the writer thinks is a really funny joke.

Audiences disagree.

Resident Evil (2002)

The Rubbish Name:
Rain Orcampo (Michelle Rodriguez)

Who She Is: One of a team of special security officers dispatched by the Umbrella Corporation to investigate why their science lab The Hive has gone quiet.

The reason? Everyone's turned into a drooling, angry zomboid thanks to a nasty germ warfare virus.

What She Sounds Like: The hippie mom in a group of friends who live, love and enjoy their children together but all have different theories on how to raise them.

Starship Troopers (1997)

The Rubbish Name: Dizzy Flores (Dina Meyer)

Who She Is: One of the space marines sent out to battle bugs in this satirical futuristic action fest from Paul Verhoeven.

She has her trademark boobs-out Verhoeven moment, then dies horribly. Couldn't have done it without you, Dizz!

What She Sounds Like: Wacky stripper who helps a gang of guys on a bachelor night find the true meaning of happiness.

No, not like that, you perv.

Next: Marion Cobretti, Pluto Nash, Goku


Cobra (1986)

The Rubbish Name: Marion Cobretti (Sylvester Stallone)

Who He Is: He's the cop planning to clean up his town and take down a ruthless gang of neo-fascist thugs.

We can guess why he likes being known as Cobra, given that he has a silly first name.

What He Sounds Like: Slightly loopy Posh gal in a tale of romance and pedigree dog breeding.

Can she win Crufts with her Schnauzer/Shih Tzu cross-breed?

The Adventures Of Pluto Nash (2002)

The Rubbish Name:
Pluto Nash (Eddie Murphy)

Who He Is:
A nightclub owner who investigates who blew up his place on the moon.

Even the stupid name couldn't help this comedy.

What He Sounds Like:
The narrator behind a series of quirky stories as he tracks his life across the decades.

The filmmakers are later sued by the team behind Forrest Gump for plagiarism.

Dragonball Evolution (2009)

The Rubbish Name:
Goku (Justin Chatwin)

What He Is: The standard hero-with-a-destiny who discovers he's one of the few people who stands between a nasty alien type and ultimate power.

His hair is even sillier than his name.

What He Sounds Like:
You know that sound cats make when they've got a particularly troublesome hairball working its way up their gullet?

That sound exactly.

Next: Sookie Sapperstein, Jonnie Goodboy Tyler, Bob Lee Swagger


Igby Goes Down (2002)

The Rubbish Name: Sookie Sapperstein (Claire Danes)

What She Is: The on-again, off-again lover of our hero (Kieran Culkin) who isn't exactly happy with her lot and with the fact that he sleeps around.

What She Sounds Like: The villain's girlfriend in crazy comedy where everyone has alliterative names.

Battlefield Earth (2000)

The Rubbish Name: Jonnie Goodboy Tyler

What He Is: The human slave who starts to lead his companions on a crusade against the evil, invading Psychlos, led by John Travolta's be-dreadlocked fiend.

It's just one silly element in an awful, awful film.

What He Sounds Like: Champion American Football player who must overcome a seemingly crippling injury to get back on the field.

He does.

Shooter (2007)

The Rubbish Name: Bob Lee Swagger (Mark Wahlberg)

What He Is: Troubled former marksman who spends his days living in exile but who must spring back into action when he's informed someone is trying to kill the president.

And then he's framed for the attempt, which prompts him to go back on the run.

What He Sounds Like: Small town shyster and gambler, loved by ladies, but loathed by local law enforcement.

Sadly, he's the son of the mayor, so they can't touch him.

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Freelance Journalist

James White is a freelance journalist who has been covering film and TV for over two decades. In that time, James has written for a wide variety of publications including Total Film and SFX. He has also worked for BAFTA and on ODEON's in-cinema magazine.