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The Crazies
If They Were On Your Bus: You'd have no escape. Sorry about that.
Article continues belowStill, if you regularly commute at rush hour in central London, you probably wouldn't notice the difference.
Patrick Bateman
Psych ward: American Psycho (2000)
Symptoms of insanity: Business card envy; liking Phil Collins; being as fastidious about butchering his victims as he is about his honed 'n' toned looks
If He Was On Your Bus: Face it, Bateman wouldn’t be seen dead on a bus… unless he was on the prowl for a victim.
Your only defence: put Huey Lewis and the News onto your ipod and turn it up loud enough for him to hear Hip To Be Square .
Martin Riggs
Psych Ward: Lethal Weapon (1987)
Symptoms Of Insanity: Suicidal grief; psychotic rage; dislocating his shoulder as a party trick.
Oh, and a mullet - classic sign of madness, that.
If He Was On Your Bus: Hasn't the poor guy got enough to worry about without making him take public transport?
He'd probably try to take the wheel and crash the fucker. For a laugh.
Frank Booth
Psych Ward: Blue Velvet (1986)
Symptoms Of Insanity: Addicted to gas; entourage of sallow-faced drag-acts; sadomasochism (clue: he’s the sado-).
If He Was On Your Bus: You'd clock him straight away, sucking on gas through a medical mask.
But you wouldn't get really worried until he started yelling out, "Baby wants to fuck" and attacking other passengers.
Amelie Poulain
Psych Ward: Amelie (2001)
Symptoms Of Insanity: Housebreaking to rearrange people's belongings; sending a garden gnome on a round-the-world trip; encouraging colleagues to shag in the workplace
If She Was On Your Bus: She looks sweet enough, but that dopily benign smile hides a devious streak.
You’d end up engaged to a random stranger across the aisle, or agreeing to give Amelie all of your cash so she could buy Whiskas for stray cats.
Mr Blonde
Psych Ward: Reservoir Dogs (1992)
Symptoms Of insanity: Going on a kill-crazy rampage on the slightest provocation; having a conversation with an ear he's just sliced off a cop.
If He Was On Your Bus: For starters, he'd ask the driver to put on K-Billy's Super Sounds of the 70s.
Pray the driver likes his retro classics, otherwise Blondie's liable to get trigger happy. Bam-Bam-Bam-Bam.
The Joker
Psych Ward: The Dark Knight (2008)
Symptoms Of Insanity: Deliberately crap make-up job to hide facial wounds; sociopathic anarchist tendencies; lethal sense of humour.
If He Was On Your Bus: A few well-chosen comments, and he'd have the two aisles at each other's throats.
Get off the bus when he does. He's probably primed a bomb to go off if the passengers don't go all Lord of The Flies on each other.
Norman Bates
Psych Ward: Psycho (1960)
Symptoms Of Insanity: Hatred of blondes taking showers; dressing up as his dead mother; dressing up the skeleton of his dead mother.
If He Was On Your Bus: Depends who sits next to you. If it's Norman, the worst you'll get is awkward small talk about cages and stuffed birds.
If you get his mother , on the other hand, we recommend frisking 'her' for concealed weapons.
Chip Douglas
Psych Ward: The Cable Guy (1996)
Symptoms Of Insanity: Stalking; blackmail; fondness for medieval jousting.
Worst of all, he has the cruellest torture known to man - the power to cancel cable.
If He Was On Your Bus: He’ll sit next to you, strike up a conversation, offer you candy.
Whatever you do, don’t accept – or you’ll never get rid of him.
Travis Bickle
Psych Ward: Taxi Driver (1976)
Symptoms Of Insanity: Inappropriate dating venues; desire to wash the scum off the streets; unaware his haircut looks ridiculous.
If He Was On Your Bus: He's a taxi driver. If he's taking the bus, chances are he's getting organezized to do something mental.
Best to keep quiet. If he thinks you're talking to him, he won't shut up about it until he's ready to kill.
