Julio Cesar
The Character: The porky-but-loveable psychic copper from super-show Heroes, Matt Parkman.
What do they have in common?: Thought-stealer Parkman uses his superpowers to read the brains of enemies, just as Cesar reads the intentions of striker to stop goals from happening. Yeah, that’s pretty weak but they look exactly the same .
Franck Ribry
The Character: Dropped-baby-turned-mashed-patty-of-muscle Sloth, from ‘80s kiddie epic The Goonies.
What do they have in common?: Get ready to wince: both overcame childhood accidents (Ribéry’s scars come from a car crash suffered when he was two) to become heroes in later life. If eating a twinkie and screaming can be called heroic, and we say yes it can.
Carlos Tevez
The Character: The latest mean-ass Mexican portrayed by real-life hardman Danny Trejo: Machete Cortez.
What do they have in common?: Tevez angered Manchester United fans by crossing the city at the start of last season, and fans are likely to be similarly upset by the character Machete, who moves from the happy Spy Kids trilogy to this grizzly crime caper.
Cesc Fabregas
The Character: The talent-absorbing supervillain Sylar, as played by Star Trek’s Zachary Quinto.
What do they have in common?: Cesc is an excellent all-rounder, and like the clock-mending abomination he really keeps things ticking over in the middle of the park. He reads the game like Sylar reads minds, and eats brains at half time. Probably.
Mesut Ozil
The Character: Peter Lorre’s trembling child-killer Hans Beckert in Fritz Lang’s classic thriller M.
What do they have in common?: Both are naturalised Germans (Ozil’s family, as bleating world cup commentators tell us repeated, are Turkish, while Lorre moved to Berlin from his native Hungary) and Ozil killed England’s world cup dreams just as dead as those little girls in M.
