Dead Poets Society (1989)
The Ponces: A group of students at an elite private school endeavour to revive an extinct society - The Dead Poets Society.
The D.P.Soc is concerned with self-expression, inspiration, raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.
Us uncultured swine would much rather join the Bowling Soc. Or Ultimate Frisbee!
What If They Were Rappers? If the Dead Poets Society were rappers, they'd probably be Blazin' Squad.
They've got heartfelt lyrics, even if they're rubbish ones. Brimming with teen angst.
The Ponce: Henry Chinaski (Mickey Rourke) is a washed-up nobody who spends most of his time at the bar.
When he's not gluggling whiskey he's submitting poems and short stories to magazines. One day, he is discovered.
However, he's not interested in a life of wealth and influence. He just wants scotch and fisty-cuffs.
He likes his fisty-cuffs.
What If They Were A Rapper? Chinaski would be Snoop Dogg.
Although he's not much into bling, he's proper laid-back and has quite a potty mouth.
The Basketball Diaries (1995)
The Ponce: Jim Carroll (Leonardo DiCaprio) isn't that poncey really - he lives a life of heroin, crime and prostitution.
But he does write poems. There's no escaping the fact that that's really quite sissy.
Jim's life takes a nose-dive when he gets into drugs, though he finds an outlet in writing, and this helps him dig himself out of the drug hole.
What If They Were A Rapper? Carroll would probably be Eminem, and he would go on and on about his crappy childhood and druggy mum.
He looks sulky and self-indulgent enough to pull it off.
Shakespeare In Love (1998)
The Ponce: If you don't know who he is, you're a moron.
Joseph Fiennes' bard is intensely passionate about his writing. Just look at that beady Medusa-stare. That is intense.
What If They Were A Rapper? 41 years ago, in West Philadelphia, William Shakespeare was reincarnated: born and raised as Will Smith.
On the playground was where he spent most of his days. (Sorry.)
They're virtually identical in style, versatility and star quality. Them Wills rules.
Blue Car (2002)
The Ponce: "Meh, meh, meh, I'm so depressed, I hate my life and I want everyone to know about it. Wah."
(An extract from Meg [Agnes Bruckner]'s poetry book.)
When Meg's whole world falls down around her, she wallows in self pity and enters a poetry contest so that she can let other people know just how miserable she is.
As it turns out, the English teacher who encouraged her to enter was just trying to get her into bed. And he succeeded! Result.
What If They Were A Rapper? Meg would probably be one of those 'rappers' out of Linkin Park. Just annoying and shit, really.
The Ponces: Gwyneth Paltrow and Daniel Craig star as troubled couple Sylvia Plath and Ted Hughes in this laugh-a-minute romp.
Both are melancholy and wistful, staring, forlorn, into the middle distance as they contemplate their next poem.
The moral of the story: Poets should never go out with poets. In fact, poets shouldn't really go out with anybody.
Poets seem to enjoy being alone. It means that they can be as miserable as they like and there's no one to tell them to cheer up.
What If They Were Rappers? They'd be Lil' Kim and The Notorious B.I.G. Just because.
We're sure Sylvia wouldn't mind dancing around with nipple tassels on.
So I Married An Axe Murderer (1993)
The Ponce: Commitment phobia is commonplace amongst young men. Poet Charlie MacKenzie (Mike Myers) is one such young man.
So it's sod's bloody law that, when he finally plucks up the courage to settle down with a woman, it turns out she's an axe-wielding, homicidal maniac.
That's what you get for dawdling. Bloody wet-blanket poet ponces.
What If They Were A Rapper? Charlie's kinda cheeky. He's a bit of a rascal. A dizzy rascal.
Which is why we're gonna say Wyclef Jean.
The Disappearance of Garcia Lorca (1996)
The Ponce: Around the beginning of the Spanish Civil War, Frederico Garcia Lorca (a real person, but in the film played by Andy Garcia) went missing.
It turns out he was murdered, probably by Spanish Nationalists. Which is very sad, of course.
It might be too cruel to call Garcia Lorca a ponce. But we can certainly call Andy Garcia's Garcia Lorca a ponce.
He wears a white tux and bow tie. And he cries into his floppy fringe. Man up, jeez.
What If They Were A Rapper? Garcia Lorca would have to be Saul Williams. A bit more refined than the usual "bitches & shizzle" tosh.
Tom & Viv (1994)
The Ponce: T.S. Eliot (Willem Defoe) had an unfortunate marriage.
He had only been married to Vivienne Haigh-Wood (Miranda Richardson) for a couple of days when he found out she had a weird lady problem.
It was a lady problem which, in the end, made her utterly insufferable.
Of course, it gave Eliot the chance to get emotional and write lovely delicate things. Precious.
What If They Were A Rapper? No rapper would stand for lady problems.
Jay-Z had 99 problems but we're pretty sure Vivienne's gynecological disorder wasn't one of them.
Total Eclipse (1995)
The Ponces: Rimbaud and Verlaine (Leonardo DiCaprio and David Thewlis) are 19th-Century French poets.
As such, they mope around in a state of perpetual ennui, drinking wine and eating soft cheese.
They get so upset at each other that Verlaine shoots Rimbaud in the shoulder. Drama queen!
We'd like to see how they'd fare doing REAL work. On a building site, or a fishing trawler. Getting those hands dirty.
What If They Were Rappers? They'd definitely have shot each other dead within ten minutes of screen time.
10 Things I Hate About You (1999)
The Ponce: She only writes the one poem, but Kat Stratford (Julia Stiles) makes quite an impression.
In her poem, entitled "10 Things I Hate About You", she lists the reasons why Heath Ledger's Patrick Verona is such an arsehole.
Except she doesn't really mean it. It's quite slushy really.
She showed promise - starting off as a gritty, grumpy old shrew - but the poet within found its voice, and she turned into an utter sap.
What If They Were A Rapper? Missy Elliott is quite ballsy. Kat should take a few leaves out of Missy's book.
The Libertine (2004)
The Ponce: The Earl of Rochester was a rotten old scallywag.
Renowned for drunkenness and debauchery, dirty deeds and STDs, and lots of other D-words, Johnny Depp's Roch is the rogue of the bunch.
He's the closest a 17th century poet could get to being rock & roll, though he does wear some poncey clothes.
Get a haircut, man!
What If They Were A Rapper? The Earl is 100% Shaggy.
We're sure he must have used the sentence "it wasn't me" a good few hundred times before.
Even if it was prefixed by "hey nonny-nonny".