Approximately the same length as The Lost and Damned, Gay Tony should contain around 20 missions. As part of our hands on with the DLC, we got to play through four – Dropping In, For The Man Who Has Everything, Going Deep and Sexy Time – all crammed to the gills with high-powered new weapons, fresh vehicles and, above all, a sense of riotous abandon that we haven’t really seen from GTA since the latter stages of San Andreas back in 2004. You’ll find each one described in extensive detail below but, being frank, it’s actually the missions we didn’t play that we’re most excited about.  

Ballad 1: Dropping In...

Remember Rodislav Bulgarin, Niko’s Balkan nemesis? We always wondered what happened to him in GTA IV, since we never actually got to kill him – but a quick check on a police computer following the main game’s completion lists the guy as ‘deceased’. We suspect that, sometime during The Ballad of Gay Tony, we’re gonna have to ice the gimp – but for now Luis has been ordered by Tony to team up with his henchman Timur. See, Bulgarin is looking to acquire The Rampage, Liberty City’s ice hockey team. The brief? Storm the penthouse office high up in a skyscraper and ‘persuade’ the team owner to sign his business over to Rodislav.

If ever there was a mission to illustrate the high octane, seriously mental nature of The Ballad of Gay Tony it’s this one. It all kicks off with Louis and Timur in a chopper flying towards the ‘scraper, at which point we parachute out (oh yes, they’re back) and skydive, Roger-Moore-in-Moonraker style, onto the roof of the building (nobody does it better, after all). As we steer towards our target, the full beauty of Liberty City surrounds us. Man, this is still a damn good looking game. Nipping down into a maintenance stairwell, we whip out one of the DLC’s many new weapons – Rockstar’s riff on the classic Belgian P90 submachine gun – and start flushing out security with a few well-timed bursts. The impact of the Euphoria physics engine has hardly diminished in the 16 months since GTA IV’s original release, especially when you’re spraying about 900 rounds-per-minute.

After exiting the stairwell (but not before covering our backs with another addition to our arsenal, sticky bombs) and entering the inner sanctum, we can’t help pausing to take in the swanky office decor, all polished tongue-and-groove flooring and strobe lighting – markedly different from The Lost and Damned’s gritty clubhouses and bars, but equally as impressive. Rockstar reckon they’ve really pushed the boat out in terms of their interior visuals, and we’re in no mood to disagree. After a moment’s peace, the alarms start blaring, the sprinkler systems go off and Luis gets rushed by a small army of security guards. With glass paneling shattering all about us and the body count rising by the second, it’s obvious that Gay Tony’s legacy in the GTA IV universe isn’t going to be high camp and dubious sexual practices but utterly over-the-top fire fights and moments straight out of an 80s Schwarzenegger movie.

Stepping over the corpses, we track down our victim – a suitably cowering suit. But Bulgarin’s in no mood to parlay – and instead of the compassion Niko was often able to display to potential victims – Luis is all about making a statement. One ED-209 moment later, said exec is plunging towards a melon-splattering death on the sidewalk below. But the mission isn’t finished yet. As further security teams rush to the scene, Luis takes the only practical route outta there, right through the window! Parachute still strapped to our backs, we make an impressive leap of faith before neatly parachuting onto a moving truck with a huge mattress on its trailer. Rockstar told us that if we’d missed the target (a distinct possibility) we’d have faced another bodyguard confrontation owing to our botched exit strategy. Lesson #1 in the world of Gay Tony – don’t f**k with Bulgarin.

Ballad 2: For The Man Who Has Everything

Before the mission kicks off, Rockstar allow us to seek out one of The Ballad of Gay Tony’s clubs. Hercules is off-limits for the time being, so we head to Maisonette 9 to check out some of the new club management minigames. Sadly, it turns out they’re not actually incorporated into this particular build yet, but we’re given the general gist – and it sounds like a dead ringer for some of the shenanigans promised in the now-defunct Midway’s not-yet-defunct-strictly-speaking idiot simulator This is Vegas. Although wet t-shirt contests are strictly off the menu (boo, we like hexagonal nipples on mannequin game girls), tasks will involve getting the dance floor kicking off, pouring champagne and roughing up copious amounts of troublemakers.

On to business. Remember all the fun sniping peeps in the construction site from the Deconstruction For Beginners mission in that classic title, Grand Theft Auto IV? Playboy X might be history (unless you decided to kill that poor schmo Dwayne instead, shame on you) but you’re not done with the place. Instead, you’ll be meeting up with The Ballad of Gay Tony’s answer to the irrepressible Brucie, Yusef – played by everyone’s favourite Arab comedian, Omid Djalili. Yusef’s a real estate billionaire who also happens to be a nutjob, and he wants to ship a bona fide Liberty City railway carriage back to the Middle East as a present for his pal. The council isn’t having any of it, but for a man who operates above the law who gives a damn? Luis evidently doesn’t, anyway.

Our brief: head to the nearest overpass, wait ‘til said train whooshes under and leap on top of it. The first bit is simple, all we have to do is tap the X button at the right moment and the jump itself is automated. Making our way along the carriage roofs, we’re assailed from all angles by police choppers and marksmen situated at passing stations. It’s really tricky to target them all because the train is moving, so before long bullets are whizzing about Luis’ ears and despite being loaded up with body armour and the GTA IV equivalent of the real-life AA12 Automatic Shotgun we’re left feeling distinctly vulnerable. Handily though, you’re able to drop flat with a click on the left stick to gain some temporary cover and get your squeaky bum under control.

Roughly seven choppers, four stations and about 20 married-with-kids officers later, mental Yusef appears overhead in a bespoke helicopter, Luis disconnects the front carriage and the entire thing is airlifted off into the sky. Mental. Lesson #2 in the world of Gay Tony – money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a city council train carriage.