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We created four different virtual people and signed them up to various online dating sites. Why? We wanted to see if anyone out there was desperately seeking something enough to pursue any of our digitally-constructed lonely hearts. And, yes, they did receive attention from people who were looking for love. Here's what happened.
Above: The picture we put on her profile
What we wrote on her profile: "Hey, how's it going? I'm Sally, a massive tennis fan, amateur player and all around digital sports enthusiast. I don't really have time to socialise, as I'm out on the courts most days training. If I'm not knocking over drum cans with my balls, I'm getting sweaty trying to serve and volley into strategically-placed barrels. I recently entered my first amateur tournament and walked away with the title.
I won't lie, because so much of my life revolves around smashing balls, watching balls getting smashed and thinking about watching balls getting smashed, I don't really have time for the whole dating scene. I'm looking for some no strings attached, unadulterated fun. Time wasters need not apply. Do you think you can handle a hot, amateur star? Don't mind taking second place to my burgeoning tennis career? Then why not send me a message? I might just serve up some naughty fun."
Above: Our girl after a hard ball smashing session
Above: There's so much mystery and depth in those digital eyes
The emails Sally Slam received:
Sadly, we didn't get a chance to read all these. Sally Slam was officially purged from the interwebs when our account was deleted by the admin boffins.
Most chilling email:
Stiffy Dan (above) wrote: "Hey, you got MSN babe? I would like to chat to you a bit better than using this messaging thing. Also you can smash my balls around anytime. I'm up for some no strings attached fun if you are. Get back to me. xx"
Above: Johhny enjoying Blackpool beach in his profile pic
What we wrote in his profile: “Yo. I’m Johnny. Johnny Cage. But you can call me Mr. Johnny Cage… the third. Nah, I’m just messing with you… kinda. Anyhoo, I’m a part-time mixed martial artist, originally from Manchester. Recently, I’ve tried to get into the British UFC scene, but haven’t had much luck. Maybe it’s got something to do with me having tapped more than Fred Astaire during almost every match I’ve fought in. I’m a passionate sort and I’m never one to hide my emotions. Especially when I’m getting my ankle snapped by some seven foot skinhead from Ukraine.
I can’t lie. Years of squaring up against other men has given my face what you might euphemistically describe as ‘character’. I also foolishly emblazoned my chest with a Union Jack tattoo. It’s obviously something I regret and, as soon as I’ve saved up for the laser removal surgery, you can consider it gone. Why am I here? For companionship, really. And to make a connection with someone that doesn’t end with me in tears and with my pelvis shattered.”
Above: Our boy getting ready to fight in the ring
The suspiciously high number of emails Johnny Cage received within his first day on the site:
Maybe they just like Photoshopped pictures of really ugly game characters... oh wait, what's this? You just want us to pay an extremely reasonable fee to actually open any of the emails from these seemingly hot and horny and totally real girls? On second thoughts, we think we'll try and hook Johnny up with a friend.