Why Uwe Boll is awesome

Germany’s (hell, the World’s) least favourite film helmer is the most hated man in games. You hate him. Most of Team Radar hate him. Your second cousin who once played House of the Dead II in college absolutely detests him. But with more Boll video game flicks in production - namely Zombie Massacre and Blood Rayne III - we thought it was time someone rode to the defence of the detested director. So get those mail bombs, strongest swears and pent up bile at the ready, as we defend the gaming equivalent of Pol Pot.

He makes schlocky B-movie films of schlocky B-movie games

C’mon, are you really that precious about Far Cry, The House of the Dead and Postal? Did you really expect De Niro to be playing Agent G or Michael Mann to flesh out a compelling back-story for Jack Carver? Admit it; these games had shit, tacky plots to begin with, so what’s the problem with their movie versions following shitty suit. Boll’s not trying to kid anyone. He’s not banging on the nomination drum come Oscar season. All he’s doing is making ridiculously stupid films that are a hoot and a half to watch when you’re boozed up.

He kills bratty kids in his movies

How many times have you watched a film and wanted that annoying ankle-biter of a sidekick to buy the farm in brutal style? Kevin McAllister, Jake Lloyd in The Phantom Menace, that little douche that opens his trap in the last five minutes of The Dark Knight; didn’t they all deserve death for crimes against cinema? But while Spielberg, Lucas and Nolan might all have secretly loved to off the shit sprogs, only Boll had the balls to follow through. Which he did in spectacular (and pants-pissingly epic) fashion in this Postal clip below.

He clearly doesn’t give a f*ck what anyone thinks

You might hate him, but Boll could clearly give Roland Rat’s annoying ass. Despite receiving nothing but near universal derision for his gaming films over the last decade, the dude keeps churning more out. He’s never stopped to sulk or ponder a profession in frankfurter production. Instead, he’s defiantly kept making some of the most panned productions in the history of the moving image. You simply can’t keep an atrocious, hated artisan down.

Above: This is what Uwe thinks of Postal's 22 score on Metacritic

He’s willing to fight his critics

Chances are, you’ll probably hate us for writing this and may yet be willing to sacrifice small fuzzy animals to see us onset by some terrible Pagan plague. Granted, we might get a bit protective of our words and defend our views in the comments, but we’re not going to call you out for a knock-down-drag-out. But Boll is different. As happy at green-lighting laughable scripts as he is unleashing uppercuts; he'll gladly box anyone who says his movies are the shitZOR. And for that, he’ll always be our ‘balls made out of German granite’ better.

He gets respected actors to do brilliantly cringe-worthy crap

No matter whether you’ve been given the golden nod from the Academy or starred in the greatest gangster film ever, Uwe can always suck you in to star in his trash. You might be shit hot on awards night, but when those offers to play world-weary hitmen and world-weary postal workers turned hitmen run out, it’s Boll who’ll bail you out. Burt Reynolds, Ray Liotta, even Sir Ben Kingsley; the respected theps have all bowed at the alter of an Uwe paycheck.

Above: Awesome. Awesomer. Awesomest 

Apr 7, 2010


  • VermithraxDagon - April 15, 2010 5:48 a.m.

    Boll's first game flick, House of the Dead, was an absolute masterpiece! The scene where the group is shooting their way into the house with machine-guns, rifles, pistols, grenades and swords, and the slo-mo Matrix-cam is circling around them as they lay waste to the zombie horde intent on tasting their flesh is one of cinema's most epic. One of my all-time guilty pleasures. Boll! Boll! Boll!
  • Sabtos - April 10, 2010 1:13 a.m.

    Maybe they're trying to push back against the gaming industry because they don't want it to crack into their profits . . . ?
  • Sabtos - April 10, 2010 1:13 a.m.

    To that last point, I was always and will always be asking how does he get these actors, does he have something on them? Blackmail? I mean Jason Stathem as well, he may do some slightly cheesey action movies, but he's actually a decent actor. I just don't get what he holds over some of these actors to get them into his movies. Maybe it's an inside joke in the industry.
  • DriveShaft - April 10, 2010 12:20 a.m.

    I've only seen Postal and seeing Dave Foley naked has scarred me for life O.o
  • philipshaw - April 8, 2010 9:36 a.m.

    His films still suck but I agree that they are awesome if you drink and watch them
  • Samael - April 8, 2010 5:23 a.m.

    Nope. He is not awesome. He sucks and I will continue to hate him. Because of him, the chances of a good video game movie being made continue to get smaller and smaller. I don't even know why I'm commenting on this. Probably because it's a Meikleham article with actual writing, not just photoshops, which is a rare sight indeed.
  • TheSugarRay - April 8, 2010 3:18 a.m.

    Bolls gotten better at making movies. I remember not being able to watch bloodrayne, and I quit alone in the dark after five minutes. But I watched I almost respect his twisted work in Postal, and In the Name of the King with the bad specail effects is a better movie in my mind than the starwars prequels. (I always get long hard to say spam keys)
  • Slaanash - April 8, 2010 2:57 a.m.

    Yeah. Shit director is still shit.
  • RogueRED - April 8, 2010 12:07 a.m.

    @Hexar **Applause**
  • Link555 - April 7, 2010 11:57 p.m.

    what the hell, didnt the site write an article about how bad he was last year, and now hes ok....... rite
  • Cwf2008 - April 7, 2010 9:09 p.m.

    Is this the Week of Sarcasm now?
  • Cyberninja - April 7, 2010 7:32 p.m.

    he is not awesome in any way shape or form
  • Hexar - April 7, 2010 7:09 p.m.

    Looks as though advertising revenues are down this week for GamesRadar to the point where they'll take handouts from just about anyone. But oh where to begin with an article that rivals the shittiness that is Uwe Boll. "Admit it; these games had shit, tacky plots to begin with, so what’s the problem with their movie versions following shitty suit. Boll’s not trying to kid anyone." The key difference is that while the plot may have been nothing special in House of the Dead, Farcry or Postal, but they had one HUGE factor that film cannot replicate: gameplay! Lest you forget games are about control and are not solely driven by a plot and narrative as a film is. So while the story was entirely forgettable the game was not. Yeah Boll beat up Lowtax and those other guys who have dick experience in boxing, what an accomplishment. Remember when Seanbaby challenged him? Oh yeah that's right he backed down when he found out Seanbaby's weight and height (as well as his experience). Yeah he's willing to fight his critics all right, when it's a lopsided fight. Boll keeps making films because of German financing laws. His tax shelter keeps him financially able to keep churning out absolute shit. Take a guess how far he'd get without huge tax write offs. The bottom line is that some movies probably shouldn't be thrown up on the silver screen (and I mean that in the most literal sense of the word) let alone by someone who will do a piss poor job of it. Don't get me wrong to me a B movie film is a high quality flick; I go out of my way to watch Troma films for crying out loud! Yet I cannot stomach any of his films. At least we agree on one thing and that is that his film's ARE "ridiculously stupid films that are a hoot and a half to watch when you’re boozed up."
  • ventanger - April 7, 2010 5:14 p.m.

    What is this, Week Of Undeserved Love?
  • Chapmoin - April 7, 2010 4:15 p.m.

    Reason #1 has long been my favorite reason to champion Mr. Boll's work.
  • TheTygerfire - April 7, 2010 3:42 p.m.

    I don't care what you guys think, Postal is completely unfunny and the kid killing scene was ESPECIALLY so.
  • RebornKusabi - April 7, 2010 2:45 p.m.

    The thing I remember about all of that "boxing his critics" crap is that I remember reading that he was challenged to a boxing match from Sean Baby of EGM (who has some sort of training), Justin Leeper from Game Informer (who moonlit at the time as a professional boxer) and Roger Avery (Google him). He declined their "invitations"... take that as you will >_> He also has infamously talked **** about Eli Roth and Micheal Bay and they both just find him humorous and don't really care what he says.
  • sleepy92ismypsn - April 7, 2010 2:01 p.m.

    who the fuck is uwe boll
  • Geminiman82 - April 7, 2010 1:59 p.m.

    I would rather watch Street Fighter and Super Mario Brothers for the rest of my life if Boll promises NEVER to make another movie.
  • reaperman22 - April 7, 2010 1:17 p.m.

    man i haven't seen postal yet on the mere premise that its Uwe Boll and i didn't want to waist my cash but now i kinda wish i did. I remember watching in the name of the king not knowing he made it and found it one of the longest most boring pieces of crap i had seen and then read the cover and had to laugh at myself for expecting it to be decent

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