Germany’s (hell, the World’s) least favourite film helmer is the most hated man in games. You hate him. Most of Team Radar hate him. Your second cousin who once played House of the Dead II in college absolutely detests him. But with more Boll video game flicks in production - namely Zombie Massacre and Blood Rayne III - we thought it was time someone rode to the defence of the detested director. So get those mail bombs, strongest swears and pent up bile at the ready, as we defend the gaming equivalent of Pol Pot.
C’mon, are you really that precious about Far Cry, The House of the Dead and Postal? Did you really expect De Niro to be playing Agent G or Michael Mann to flesh out a compelling back-story for Jack Carver? Admit it; these games had shit, tacky plots to begin with, so what’s the problem with their movie versions following shitty suit. Boll’s not trying to kid anyone. He’s not banging on the nomination drum come Oscar season. All he’s doing is making ridiculously stupid films that are a hoot and a half to watch when you’re boozed up.
How many times have you watched a film and wanted that annoying ankle-biter of a sidekick to buy the farm in brutal style? Kevin McAllister, Jake Lloyd in The Phantom Menace, that little douche that opens his trap in the last five minutes of The Dark Knight; didn’t they all deserve death for crimes against cinema? But while Spielberg, Lucas and Nolan might all have secretly loved to off the shit sprogs, only Boll had the balls to follow through. Which he did in spectacular (and pants-pissingly epic) fashion in this Postal clip below.
You might hate him, but Boll could clearly give Roland Rat’s annoying ass. Despite receiving nothing but near universal derision for his gaming films over the last decade, the dude keeps churning more out. He’s never stopped to sulk or ponder a profession in frankfurter production. Instead, he’s defiantly kept making some of the most panned productions in the history of the moving image. You simply can’t keep an atrocious, hated artisan down.
Above: This is what Uwe thinks of Postal's 22 score on Metacritic
Chances are, you’ll probably hate us for writing this and may yet be willing to sacrifice small fuzzy animals to see us onset by some terrible Pagan plague. Granted, we might get a bit protective of our words and defend our views in the comments, but we’re not going to call you out for a knock-down-drag-out. But Boll is different. As happy at green-lighting laughable scripts as he is unleashing uppercuts; he'll gladly box anyone who says his movies are the shitZOR. And for that, he’ll always be our ‘balls made out of German granite’ better.
No matter whether you’ve been given the golden nod from the Academy or starred in the greatest gangster film ever, Uwe can always suck you in to star in his trash. You might be shit hot on awards night, but when those offers to play world-weary hitmen and world-weary postal workers turned hitmen run out, it’s Boll who’ll bail you out. Burt Reynolds, Ray Liotta, even Sir Ben Kingsley; the respected theps have all bowed at the alter of an Uwe paycheck.
Above: Awesome. Awesomer. Awesomest
Apr 7, 2010