Video game characters' complaints at the doctor's surgery

It's pretty much inevitable that everyone has to visit their doctor at least every once in a while. We did so recently, to have a joypad removed by the nurse after a particularly fiery LAN match in Battlefield 3. Nasty business, really.

But it got us to thinking: What would it be like if video game characters visited the doc? What would their complaints be? Let's take a look at the doctors' confidential notes...

Jill is a young, physically fit member of the S.T.A.R.S. team. She's avoided getting eaten by zombies and managed to survive the mansion. But there's just one thing she wants to talk to her doctor about...

Doctor's notes: Patient is suffering from palpitations, which she says seem to kick in whenever she approaches a door. She is also very jumpy, which leads me to suspect she has been through a traumatic experience. However, such heart problems may require surgery, in which case patient has expressed a preference for keyhole surgery. Worryingly, patient has also suggested that she, the ‘master of unlocking’ perform it herself. She also requested that her medical notes be written up on a typewriter "in case anything happens during the operation". I have had her restrained for her own safety.

Poor old Snake. Quite literally, in fact. His body's accelerated aging has caused no end of aches and pains, causing him to go and see his old friend Dr Naomi Hunter. Prescription: One pack of co-codec-amol.

Doctor's notes: "Patient is suffering from artificial aging brought on by genetic research. He has rheumatism, arthritis and a grouchy mood. Years of tobacco use have left his voice husky and gruff. Suggested he start a programme to help him quit, but he just made sexually suggestive comments in my personal direction and literally ingested a packet of cigarettes during the appointment in order to ensure they could not be taken from him. Dropped one of the cigarettes in the process and took far too long picking it up, which he assures me was just because his back aches."

Larry has only one thing on his mind and it sure ain't money. But, whether he's successful in his pursuits or not, he's likely to find himself with some 'problems' sooner or later. So he's taken a trip to see his doctor to address a few complaints...

Doctor's notes: Larry is suffering from calluses on his right palm; have suggested a pumice stone to remedy this. Also claims his eyesight is deteriorating, although I can find no supporting evidence. Have referred him to a specialist to check. Mr Lovage is also complaining of groin strain, dehydration and appears to be suffering from a potassium deficiency. He assures me his diet is fine, so have asked him to keep a food diary. He has asked for it to be laminated.

Doctors have to keep things confidential, so the fact that Axel is a vigilante won't be reported to anyone. But that doesn't mean the catalogue of injuries isn't exasperating for a doctor. Check out this little lot...

Doctor's notes: The patient has cauliflower ears, a broken nose, broken jaw, cheekbone and two black eyes. He also has a stab wound, broken shoulder from what looks like a baseball bat judging by the bruising and a previously undiscovered epileptic condition brought on by the disco effects in Level 2. He eats plenty of fruit, but suffers from massive indigestion through trying to digest entire roast chickens without even chewing. Suggested chewing his food and adding some herbs if his food is unpalatable. He explained that he has tried that, but then ‘wreaks of sage’.

Nintendo's star plumber gets into all sorts of crazy situations, many of which result in some minor ailments. His tennis elbow flares up every few years, as does whiplash from reckless go-karting. But it's his platforming exploits that have particularly concerned the doctor this time...

Doctor's notes: Patient is suffering from a bad case of food poisoning after eating fungus he "found in the ceiling". I suspect he has consumed some hallucinogens with long-lasting effects through such culinary excursions, as he keeps babbling something about a princess and ‘The Mushroom Kingdom’. His weight seems to fluctuate massively as he gorges himself on said fungal growths, becoming massively bloated each time, which he says lasts ‘until his next hit’ which I can only assume is indicative of a deep-seated drugs problem. Have referred him to Dr Fils-Aime for some Vitality Sensor treatment.

Adventuring is all well and good, but the physical peril and exertion required is massive. It's amazing Sully is even still on his feet, in honesty. But besides the more trivial scrapes Nathan inevitably picks up along the way, it's his gunfighting that worries his GP most of all...

Doctor's notes Patient is absolutely plastered in gunshot wounds. I have referred him to a specialist unit and suggested he be put into a medically-induced coma. Patient explained that the wounds (and I quote) "only hurt for a few seconds while my vision turns black and white, then there’s no more pain". I explained that this is his body accepting its impending demise and shutting down, leaving him with a feeling of euphoria before the inevitable happens. Patient considered this, realised the severity of the situation and responded with ‘ah crap’, which reminded me he was due a prostate examination. Prostate was normal.

Life can't be easy when you're a pink blob that can inhale anything. There must be a load of places you just can't go. Like a thumb-tack factory. Or a 4th of July celebration. Or a sharp object amnesty. But you should probably be very careful around your doctor's surgery too...

Doctor's notes: Patient has been suffering from smoke inhalation. And fruit inhalation. And random object inhalation, whether animate or otherwise. Previous prescription for an inhaler did not help as patient inhaled his inhaler. Suggested course of action at present is for surgery to deal with doctor inhalation. Yes, I have been inhaled. Please send help.

There are many, many video game characters, each with their own GP. Yes, even Kratos. And Aeris from FFVII. Although there's not much that can be done for that booboo... But anyway--Who else would you like to see in the surgery? We might revisit it again one day, so let us know who would make for an interesting patient.

And if you're looking for more, check out Video game characters' school report cards and If video game hardware was dug up in a thousand years.