Useless game heroes who couldn’t save the girl

There are several sure-fire ways to check for heroic DNA in a video game character. An addiction to wearing tank tops (the more torn the better). Crew cuts so kempt you could grate cheese on their craniums. But the one thing sewn into the heart of every hero’s genetic makeup is an unwavering talent for saving the girl.

Above: Not a hero (we’re assuming the racoon’s a chick)

Sure, it might be a bit sexist, but it’s the only guarantee of true gaming heroism. Sadly, it’s a guarantee made null and void by the following bundlers, who all let the girl of their respective tales die… usually in horrible fashion.

Jackie Estacado (The Darkness)

Granted, Jackie isn’t the type of hero you’d introduce to your dear old mum. Firstly he’s a mafia hood, secondly the boy needs a haircut badly and, perhaps most importantly, he’s possessed by murderous demon tentacles. Sit him down in front of the TV, though, and his sensitive, not quite so murderous side, comes to the fore.

The girl he can’t save: Jenny

Kind, caring, with a wiseass edge to her, Jenny is one of gaming’s few believable, likeable love interests. Her most touching scene sees her make a birthday cake for Jackie, before they cuddle up on the couch together.

How he lets her die

Watches on helplessly as his sociopathic mafia boss Uncle Paulie whacks Jenny in brutal, drawn-out fashion. Honestly, Paulie’s such a vindictive bastard he makes Joe Pesci’s character in Goodfellas look like a loveable (if slightly stabby) tyke. Even for cold, uncaring husks of human beings like us it’s a heartbreaking scene of pointless violence. It also makes the player feel completely powerless, as the evil Darkness holds Jackie back, forcing him to watch his girlfriend’s murder.

Solid Snake (Metal Gear Solid 1 & 4)

Grizzled, brooding and hardened to both subzero temperatures and nuclear missile-packing robots of death, Solid ‘Dave’ Snake looks like the definition of gaming heroism. Rocking a mullet the way only a true man can, nothing can stop our boy from saving the day, smoking a cig and whisking the girl into the sunset in one deft, slightly sneaky motion.

The girl he can’t save: Meryl Silverburgh

Meryl is spunky, resourceful and lethal with an automatic weapon. It’s just a pity that resourcefulness can’t quite stop her getting sniped and captured by terrorists.

How he lets her die

Well, it’s kinda our fault as much as it is Snake’s. You see, Meryl biting it depends entirely on whether the player can endure several taxing button-bashing torture segments.

Give in to the torture and the tear-jerking fate in the video below awaits the doomed lovers. Blame our stupid, slow fingers if you will, but we’re pretty sure Snake was somehow to blame.

A more geriatric version of the solid one also lets Big Mama (his old man’s bit on the side) get impaled and die in Guns of the Patriots. And that one has nothing to do with our cripplingly slow chipolata fingers, honest.


  • SolPrincess - November 16, 2009 10:57 a.m.

    LMAO I need that Conker game. And yeah I thought from FF7, isnt it Aerith, not Aeris? Hmmm.... I saw Maria from GoW2 dying at my friends house...pretty sad sctually. And Leon from Resi2 so failed XD Good article though :)
  • coltwood93 - November 13, 2009 2:24 a.m.

    I think Colton and the Prostitute from "Gun" should be here
  • gmilf71 - November 10, 2009 8:54 a.m.

    Didn't niomi kind of deserve it, though?
  • Paxis - November 8, 2009 3:21 a.m.

    Zack beats Cloud.
  • phgreat1 - November 7, 2009 2:06 a.m.

    How you imply Solid Snake is a Useless Game Hero.
  • demonslayer76 - November 6, 2009 11:37 p.m.

    lol conker one thing you guys left out, Berri was aslo sucked out of the airlock with the ducttapeaphobic professor also, conker doesnt go back in time, he technicly hacks the game and spawns a katana to kill the alien a sequal would be nice, i wanna kill more nazi tedy bears and squirel zombies
  • doggyystyle - November 6, 2009 7:21 p.m.

    nice article!!!
  • Heyexclamationpoint - November 5, 2009 11:18 p.m.

    The FF7 entry made me laugh.
  • idlemindkiller - November 4, 2009 9:53 p.m.

    HAHAHA Cloud sucks!!!!!
  • Redeater - November 4, 2009 8:06 p.m.

    "Don't dis Cloud"???? Comments like MightyCrow's are the reason why i hate STILL hearing about ff7!
  • MightyCrow - November 4, 2009 5:45 p.m.

    don't dis Cloud! FFVII is awesome on PSP (psone classic)
  • Styrophoamicus - November 4, 2009 4:26 p.m.

    I agree with helix92, you should have added Trish. If you're good, she dies and tells you how proud she is. If you're bad, she dies and basically calls you selfish. And (SPOILER) it turns out that Cole from the future made it all happen. also, I lol'd at the pic of Travis Grady. Silent Hill Photobomb!
  • LeeCarvallo - November 4, 2009 2:11 p.m.

    I think this thread is quite sexist actually. Half these women do not actually fit the role of damsel in distress. Meryl, Ada, Berri, and Ashley, were strong characters who knowingly knew that they were facing danger. They should not be considered "girls" whose men needed to save them.
  • Brutus - November 4, 2009 9:52 a.m.

    rofl @ cloud!
  • Amatarasu - November 4, 2009 5:40 a.m.

    what about that chick from dead rising, not only does she die, she dies because frank bought a zombie infected seinor citizein into the otherwise...well safe safe house, AND she isn't realy dead,just zombified, and guess who kills her,again?
  • lovinmyps3 - November 4, 2009 4:45 a.m.

    Love the FF VII one. Made me chuckle. XD
  • smallberry - November 4, 2009 3:23 a.m.

    Awww Charlie you beat me to it. Well there is no love lost for Ashley Williams. She wouldn't put out for my female Shepard anyway.
  • bamb0o-stick - November 4, 2009 2:06 a.m.

    Max Payne: When Mona takes it to the head, and then another bullet in the sequel.
  • Smeggs - November 4, 2009 2:01 a.m.

    I let Ashley die, she's gotta be the biggest ass-hole you run into. at least the Reapers weren't picky when they wanted to wipe out all life. Anyone who hasn't seen it yet go look up Wrex's death scene on Youtube, she actually seems to enjoy splattering him on the sand.
  • kissmeimgreek - November 4, 2009 1:59 a.m.

    that conker section reminded me of something.... *ehm* "it sure would be great if now that okami finally got a sequel yall could focus on another game (since yall are obviously the reason why it got one) COUGH COUGH *conker 2* COUCH

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