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Good news, film fans and folk with more than passing man crushes on Nathan Drake. Alright, horrible ‘will make you want to shiv your own spine’ news. It looks like the upcoming Uncharted movie starring Mark Walhberg will be as schmaltzy as a Hannah Montana marathon. Director David O. Russell has been speaking about how he wants to emphasise the family dynamic in the film, now that Robert DeNiro and Joe Pesci have been cast to play Drake’s dad and uncle. He’s already got miscasting and horrible premises down to a fine art, but we thought we’d give him a few more suggestions so he can make Uncharted the biggest flop since Waterworld.
Before we get to O. Russell's quotes, though, just let the idea of Bobby DeNiro and Pesci playing Drake’s family sink in for a second.
For our moolah, the Bobster should adopt a Sully-style stash and pretty much copy all of the lovable old crook’s mannerisms for Nate Senior. Chuck a bit of fake tan on him, a dodgy Hawaiian shirt and a big-ass stogey, and the greatest actor of all time is good to go.
Above: Surely this'll be Bob's most iconic role since Raging Bull
And as for the world’s most tiny, stabby actor? We’d have him playing a character similar to Uncharted 2's ancient explorer Karl Schäfer. Can’t you just imagine the sweary, Kevin McCallister-stalker owning such a laid-back, unassuming role?
Above: Funny, how?
Anyhoo, in a recent interview with the Latino Review, O. Russell (who directed Three Kings and I Heart Huckabees) spoke about what excites him regarding the upcoming movie: “This idea really turns me on that there’s a family that’s a force to be reckoned with in the world of international art and antiquities… [a family] that deals with heads of state and heads of museums and meets out justice.”
He continues: “We’ll have the family dynamic, which we’ve done in a couple of movies now. And then you take that and put it on the bigger, more muscular stage of an international action picture, but also put all the character stuff in it. That’s a really cool idea to me.”
Hey, it could work, right? Just look at 1989 comedy Family Business. That was about a family of crooks and it didn’t totally blow. Plus, it had Captain Hook, Ferris Bueller and goddamn James Bond...
Above: Awwwww yeah
Now, lets just picture Marky Mark, DeNiro and Pesci together in a similar line-up.
Above: That shit’s got Oscar written all over it
Though David looks like he’s got this whole ‘ruining a beloved game character and franchise’ thing in the bag, we thought it best to give him a few more casting points that could really tip the flick over turkey-flavoured edge.
So, how about Paris Hilton as Elena Fisher?
Everyone's least favourite English fop (aka Hugh Grant) as rogue fortune hunter Harry Flynn?
Or perhaps Lindsay Lohan as borderline sexual predator Chloe Frazer?
And how could we forget Uncharted 2 big baddie, Zoran Lazarevic? If you'd like to see Stone Cold Steve Austin cast in the part, give us a 'hell yeah!'.
And finally, the absolute pièce de résistance, Justin Bieber’s partially foreign cousin as Tenzin Junior.
We’ll get our coats.
Dec 2, 2010
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