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Uncharted the movie: we help the director cast (and ruin the hell out of) Nathan Drake's flick

Good news, film fans and folk with more than passing man crushes on Nathan Drake. Alright, horrible ‘will make you want to shiv your own spine’ news. It looks like the upcoming Uncharted movie starring Mark Walhberg will be as schmaltzy as a Hannah Montana marathon. Director David O. Russell has been speaking about how he wants to emphasise the family dynamic in the film, now that Robert DeNiro and Joe Pesci have been cast to play Drake’s dad and uncle. He’s already got miscasting and horrible premises down to a fine art, but we thought we’d give him a few more suggestions so he can make Uncharted the biggest flop since Waterworld.

Before we get to O. Russell's quotes, though, just let the idea of Bobby DeNiro and Pesci playing Drake’s family sink in for a second.

For our moolah, the Bobster should adopt a Sully-style stash and pretty much copy all of the lovable old crook’s mannerisms for Nate Senior. Chuck a bit of fake tan on him, a dodgy Hawaiian shirt and a big-ass stogey, and the greatest actor of all time is good to go.


Above: Surely this'll be Bob's most iconic role since Raging Bull

And as for the world’s most tiny, stabby actor? We’d have him playing a character similar to Uncharted 2's ancient explorer Karl Schäfer. Can’t you just imagine the sweary, Kevin McCallister-stalker owning such a laid-back, unassuming role?


Above: Funny, how?

Anyhoo, in a recent interview with the Latino Review, O. Russell (who directed Three Kings and I Heart Huckabees) spoke about what excites him regarding the upcoming movie: “This idea really turns me on that there’s a family that’s a force to be reckoned with in the world of international art and antiquities… [a family] that deals with heads of state and heads of museums and meets out justice.”

He continues: “We’ll have the family dynamic, which we’ve done in a couple of movies now. And then you take that and put it on the bigger, more muscular stage of an international action picture, but also put all the character stuff in it. That’s a really cool idea to me.”

Hey, it could work, right? Just look at 1989 comedy Family Business. That was about a family of crooks and it didn’t totally blow. Plus, it had Captain Hook, Ferris Bueller and goddamn James Bond...


Above: Awwwww yeah

Now, lets just picture Marky Mark, DeNiro and Pesci together in a similar line-up.


Above: That shit’s got Oscar written all over it

Though David looks like he’s got this whole ‘ruining a beloved game character and franchise’ thing in the bag, we thought it best to give him a few more casting points that could really tip the flick over turkey-flavoured edge.

So, how about Paris Hilton as Elena Fisher?

Everyone's least favourite English fop (aka Hugh Grant) as rogue fortune hunter Harry Flynn?

Or perhaps Lindsay Lohan as borderline sexual predator Chloe Frazer?

And how could we forget Uncharted 2 big baddie, Zoran Lazarevic? If you'd like to see Stone Cold Steve Austin cast in the part, give us a 'hell yeah!'.

And finally, the absolute pièce de résistance, Justin Bieber’s partially foreign cousin as Tenzin Junior.

We’ll get our coats.

Dec 2, 2010


Topics

Sony WTF

44 comments

  • thefreakysurgeon - December 4, 2010 5:24 p.m.

    Justin Bieber’s partially foreign cousin as Tenzin Junior??!!!?! casting him would make the movie SO AWESOME! jklol talentlessness runs throughout the Bieber family.
  • DiegoUK - December 4, 2010 9:07 a.m.

    How about Ken Jeong as Eddy Raja?
  • Koolkat23 - December 4, 2010 3:16 a.m.

    As gamers we know that it will suck and i truly love Uncharted yet it seems destined to fail miserably. Still ty Gamesradar for a great laugh, those pics are just hilarious
  • MexicAntista - December 3, 2010 10:49 p.m.

    @ Ironarm Keenu Reeves was the first choice to do this movie, unfortunately he has made a full time commitment to play Spike Spiegel in the Cowboy Bebop movie. Uncharted fans loss is Cowboy Bebop's gain. And the Oscar for Best Actor in a Lead Role goes to...
  • Scaves - December 3, 2010 9:19 p.m.

    That photoshop of Lohan reminds me of KJ
  • NightCrawler_358 - December 3, 2010 8:25 p.m.

    Honestly i'd rather have them drop the movie now. Their ruining one of my favourite franchises, I say that Naughty Dog should make an animated movie. They made the motion comics right? Whoever did the comics should do an animated movie, Nolan North and all!
  • philipshaw - December 3, 2010 3:43 p.m.

    This film is going to suck big time
  • skyline19 - December 3, 2010 12:26 p.m.

    haha! 'bob' oh and HELL YEAH
  • SonyBacker - December 3, 2010 12:20 p.m.

    i dont think there has been a decent movie adaptation of a game (game - movie) well not a live action one to say the least. graphics are decent but storyline sucks as well as cast and director, then again i thought hitman was decent now amazing but decent. anyway just like paul waste of space anderson cast milla jovovich as the lead character because they are married, the director will hire marky mark as the lead character as he has written movies where mark has been in the cast such as the fighter, i heart huckabees, three kings, etc. could this be favouritism? as they are "best friends". i believe this film will be rated R in the states but 18 over here due to excess coarse and bad language, judging that marky mark will be the one spewing it. still feel nathan fillion would be a fitting lead role but apparently he is old according to people, as long as its no wrestlers or ufc people in here and uwe bol/paul anderson stay away. my prediction is they will release 1 trailer for this movie, people will see it then regret it. can david o' russell prove me wrong?
  • reaperman22 - December 3, 2010 7:03 a.m.

    .... why? if i had seen that description somewhere else an uncharted movie would be one of the last things i would think of, Drake doesn't have a family in the game for f*%^s, he only really has Sully and Elana
  • NanoElite666 - December 3, 2010 6:19 a.m.

    I've got a better idea. Let's just let Naughty Dog make the movie, because they'll invariably do a far better job, last about 10-12 hours as opposed to 2, have at least 3 times as many "HOLYSHITTHATWASAWESOME!!!" moments as Uncharted 2, and STILL be a better use of your money regardless of the $60 price of admission. I think, when this movie does come out, I'm going to force myself to go see it JUST to see how horribly bad it turns out. I mean, I certainly wasn't expecting it to be anywhere near the quality of the games, but seeing this has made me go "Ah crap..." just like Drake himself would.
  • Tranquilbez34 - December 3, 2010 5:41 a.m.

    I reckon Hugh Jackman could play harry Finn,Kristen bell as Elena, Rose Byrne as Chloe and Antonio Banderas as Tenzin, That'll work!
  • Flashinthepan - December 3, 2010 4:04 a.m.

    Apparently no one here has seen the Departed or Three Kings, because Wahlberg does a great job in both of those movies. I wouldn't say he's my top choice for Drake, but he it's not a bad pick either.
  • celticsfan645 - December 3, 2010 2:40 a.m.

    After mark was cast, i still had hope. He is a decent actor, and De Niro would make a great Sully. The hope i previously had was crushed, ground up eaten, shit out, burned, and the ashes of my hope was sent on a rocket into the sun.
  • AGENTJORRRG - December 3, 2010 2:06 a.m.

    WUT? Wahlbergs dad and uncle should be played by Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter and should hang out all the time.
  • nightcrasherx - December 2, 2010 11:23 p.m.

    in all seriousness, cant a petition be started to either stop this film, or get new writers or director? this cant continue unchallenged
  • nightcrasherx - December 2, 2010 11:21 p.m.

    I honestly don't understand what their thought process is. why, when you have a readily available source material, do you feel the need to change it. I mean isn't it it easier to use it? half your workload is done for you. and do they completely disregard fan feed back? i havent seen a single positve piece of feed back about these recent updates. this fucking shit aint logical
  • Yeager1122 - December 2, 2010 11:07 p.m.

    They should defineteley just throw time traveling somewhere in ther because everybody likes time traveling right?
  • mastersword369 - December 2, 2010 11 p.m.

    No! Jesus, and it was so easy! Uncharted seemed like the easiest film adaption ever, but apparently, the director has forgetten who he's making this for. It really doesn't make sense. He took something intended for gamers and made it a family film- yes, with a FAMILY audience- and decided to assualt them with a plot they wouldn't understand for 2 hours?
  • BlackElement17 - December 2, 2010 10:36 p.m.

    Christopher Walken needs to play the bad guy from the first game.

Showing 1-20 of 44 comments

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