Ultimate Developer Battle

Real-life developers get physical in our make-believe orgy of violence

With no intention of adhering to the 'age before beauty' rule, the youthful Raymond strikes first by strategically placing a pair of panties in the path of Molyneux. As he approaches, the unsuspecting Molyneux is trampled into a twisted pulp by a stampede of Raymond's stalkers - who just happened to be lurking in the area - as they make a frantic dash for the discarded knickers.
WINNER: Jade Raymond

Before facing off against the mighty Newell, the gnome-faced Jaffe decides to hammer out a hung-over blog post apologising for spilling the contents of his guts over Shigeru Miyamoto. However, he unintentionally enrages fanboys by joking that Nintendo makes him puke. This sparks a particularly fierce flamewar and Jaffe subsequently perishes in the blaze. Newell performs a victory dance on the ashes.
WINNER: Gabe Newell

The final showdown. Raymond arrives on a tsunami of flower petals, riding side-saddle and all ladylike on the back of a unicorn that leaves a trail of sparkly fairy dust from its rainbow-coloured hooves. She is literally glowing with beauty. Newell pilots a 10ft mech that farts napalm. The Newell-mech thumps forward but is instantly repelled by Raymond's secret weapon - a lethal anti-nerd agent fired from a gun made entirely of sequins and pink clouds. Unable to keep control, Newell staggers backwards and falls down some stairs. Dies. Raymond wins. The end.

Aug 28, 2008

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