The worst dates in games

Valentine’s Day is nearly upon us and with its arrival comes the opportunity to capitalize on the human emotion that separates us from the robots: love. Don’t worry, we’re not going to show you sappy screenshots of Cloud’s date with Aerith or post printable cards of Princess Peach framed in a cheesy heart. There’s plenty of time for that later.

Instead, we’re going to celebrate the upcoming Hallmark holiday with some of the worst dates in games. Join us for a trip through the most embarrassing, uncomfortable, and depressing instances of romance gone wrong in games. If we’re lucky, we may even get to spoil a few endings for you in the process. Oh yeah, and happy effing Valentine’s Day!

You know that Wile E. Coyote will not catch the Road Runner. You know this, just like you know that any videogame date involving a man named Larry is doomed to fail. In this respect, Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude follows its predecessor’s pattern to a tee. It stars Larry Laffer’s nephew, Larry Lovage. He’s just as horny as his VGA forefather, but his dates are just as painful to play through as they were in the days of DOS.

Here’s what an average date is like in Magna Cum Laude. Notice the liberal use of lusty loading screens.

Above: Try talking to her and pilot your sperm past the obstacles

Above: Look at a loading screen

Above: Try talking to her. Again

Above: Look at a loading screen. Again

Above: Play a bad minigame. This one involves handing out fliers

Above: Look at ANOTHER loading screen

Above: Play ANOTHER bad minigame. This one involves painting the testicles on this bull statue blue. Some refer to this literary device as ‘foreshadowing’

Above: Look at ANOTHER loading screen

Above: We thought Larry was a man of action. Time to talk again

Above: We believe this is the fifth loading screen you’ve been exposed to so far

Above: If you were hoping for another bad minigame, your wish will be granted. Escape from the scientists with a horny monkey

Above: Oh. My. GOD! It’s another loading screen. At least this one’s different

Above: This is it, you’ve got what’s-her-face in your room. This is Larry’s moment to get lucky. Right?

Above: Oh no! Foiled by a masturbating monkey who ejaculates on what’s-her-face’s feet. C’mon. Who didn’t see that coming! 

Above: One last loading screen to rub it in before you can save your game