The Worst Celebrity Renders of All Time

Watch as videogames transform your favorite stars into unrecognizable monsters

Please explain how Patrick Stewart looks older in a 1993 NES game than he does now... fifteen years later. We wouldn't trust this doddering old grandmother to chew applesauce, let alone command an entire starship.

Going back a generation doesn't help. Did Spock recently finish tying the sheriff's daughter onto the railroad tracks? Or is he now part of some forgotten, but totally racist, 1940s wartime propaganda poster? Either way, we're offended. And a little creeped out.

Hey Captain Kirk, turn that glory-hole frown upside down! At least they got the top half of your face right. Sorta.

Here's another example, from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, in which nothing is technically wrong with the actor's render. The hair, the eyes, the glasses, the scar... nothing is out of place.

Except any semblance of a soul, pulse or personality, of course. This thing's not human; it's a robot, a mannequin, a wax statue. It belongs in a museum, or possibly a haunted house.

To be honest, we did catch (and capture) young Harry at one particularly hideous frame of a cut scene. Who knows if he or any other character in the game ever looks that bad again? Oh, that's right - we do.


Create your own James Bond character in three easy steps!

1) Construct vaguely humanoid shape out of cardboard tubes and boxes.



2) Print color photograph of your favorite 007 personality.
(Select lowest resolution to save ink and money.)

3) Apply paper onto model using tape, glue, gum or spit.

4) Congratulations - you're done! Now burn your monstrous creation before you scare the neighbor's children. Or, fill character with candy for a fun-filled siesta!

Is this character - from 007: Everything or Nothing - ugly? No, not at all.
Does this character resemble model Heidi Klum? No, not at all.

Does it matter? Considering her photo is printed smack dab on the front of the game box, yeah, we think so.



Next time you hear someone bitch about the gaming industry's slobbering and juvenile obsession with women, point them to a copy of CSI: Hard Evidence. Clearly, no effort was spent on the ladies in this game whatsoever. The renders of corpses and used condoms, on the other hand, are top-notch.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

I enjoy sunshine, the company of kittens and turning frowns upside down. I am also a fan of sarcasm. Let's be friends!

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